It’s here! The tree is up in Rockefeller Center, the stores are already loaded up with all the decorations. It’s the holiday season!
This year, I have decided that, instead of giving people what they want, I am going to give them what I feel like giving them. Remember the shitty gifts you used to get as a kid? Ugly clothes, lame ass toys and the like? Oh, I do. I recently came to the realization that I have spent my adult life trying to be a thoughtful gift giver, never wanting to have anyone experience the disappointment of a lame gift from me. But apparantly, no one else lives by this principle.
It’s a cliché to say that “it is better to give than to receive”, but it’s true to the extent that people like you and me can force our ideas, opinons, and tastes on our friends and family. So, join me in imposing the following items on your unsuspecting loved ones this holiday season. Plus, from the looks of the picture, the holiday is based on a big imposition anyway. Looks like a lot of fun there. Ahem.
For the Mom Who Has Everything
Like any good boy, I love my mom. But it can be said that the woman has some crap taste in music. In fact, I was not only subjected to the awful records she liked, but I was always told to turn my own music down! So, mom, you get the best rock record of the year as your gift. And turn it up. I can’t hear it. No, louder. LOUDER. Thank You.
For Your Grumpy Dad, Before He Gets Drunk
Not that you need the instructions, douche bag.
For The Man In Your Life
Pour yourself a scotch, honey. Mmmm. After a long day, what tastes better than a glass of delicious brown elixir? I’m gonna go grab my wire saw and my acupuncture set. Be right back.
For The Girl Of Your Dreams
I have an idea. For once in your life, do you think you could dress in something I find attractive? No? Well, then how about this stupid eskimo Santa Claus hooded thing? Knock yourself out.
For The Roommate
I invented a gift for you! It’s homemade! It’s called the ‘Clean Up After Yourself-inator’! Enjoy!
For Your Siblings
That’s OK, I didn’t get you anything either. But keep having kids so I can go broke every holiday keeping the spoiled brats ass-deep in Elmo merchandise.
That’s my list. Thank god for the internet, it makes everything so much easier!
Happy Holidays Everyone!