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Comparative Badassitude

Comparative Badassitude

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Vanity Fair’s Oscar blog had a hilarious award derby of its own: “Ultimate Badass” of 2007:

There are three main contenders: Bardem’s Chigurh, in No Country for Old Men; Daniel Day-Lewis’s Daniel Plainview, in There Will Be Blood; and Johnny Depp’s titular Sweeney Todd. But how to determine who is the most diabolical of this unholy trinity? Fortunately, I’ve devised a handy point system that rates each evildoer’s actions in a variety of categories: 20 points for the most badass, 15 for the second most, and 10 for the third most. This requires – SPOILER ALERT! – divulging many, many major plot details. So if you’ve seen all three movies and desire a highly unscientific accounting of comparative badassitude, read on; if not, consider yourself warned.

Check out the results after the jump:

BODY COUNT
Daniel Plainview: 2 (10 points)
Anton Chigurh: 12 (20 points)
Sweeney Todd: 12 (20 points)

MOST BRUTAL MURDER METHOD
Daniel Plainview: bludgeons victim with bowling pin (10 points)
Anton Chigurh: strangles victim with handcuffs (15 points)
Sweeney Todd: throws victim into flames of baking oven and slams the door (20 points)

MOST HORRIBLE ACT COMMITTED AGAINST A LOVED ONE
Anton Chigurh: Not applicable. He loves nothing and no one (10 points)
Daniel Plainview: His negligence causes his adopted son to go deaf; he then blames the boy for his handicap, and later tells him he is a bastard and claims never to have cared for him (15 points)
Sweeney Todd: Slashes his beloved wife’s throat without realizing who she is (20 points)

SIGNATURE BADASS LINE
Sweeney Todd: “How ’bout a shave?” (10 points)
Anton Chigurh: [Flips coin.] “Call it.” (15 points)
Daniel Plainview: “I drink your milkshake! Sllllurp! I drink it up!” (20 points)

HOW CAN HE BE STOPPED?
Sweeney Todd: by a 12-year-old boy (10 points)
Daniel Plainview: by drinking himself to decrepitude and death (15 points)
Anton Chigurh: he cannot be stopped (20 points)

EXTRAORDINARY ACT OF BADASS DETERMINATION
Sweeney Todd: escapes from an Australian penal colony and makes his way back to London to exact revenge (10 points)
Anton Chigurh: walks away from a car accident with a bone sticking out of his arm, having fashioned a sling from a boy’s T-shirt (15 points)
Daniel Plainview: after falling down a mine shaft and breaking his leg, manages to find a piece of silver ore, clamber out of the shaft, and drag himself for miles along the ground into town, where, still lying on his back, he sells the silver before seeing a doctor (20 points)

FINAL TALLY
Anton Chigurh: 95 points
Daniel Plainview: 90 points
Sweeney Todd: 90 points

There you have it. As with the potential appeal of hemp clothing, Woody Harrelson got this one wrong, too.

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