Fear

Fear

Tomorrow I have to get up and trek my away to West Montreal to defend my thesis. I don’t know which is more important to me at this point: this degree or not having to do that tomorrow. Maybe I shouldn’t have decided to take up every season of Project Runway in the past month. I just keep picturing that set up, with me sitting on the stage with my 140 pages of bullshit and the academic translation of Nina Garcia telling me how she wonders how I got into this program in the first place. I just keep reading this one line in the thesis examination manual over and over again:

Four decisions are open to the examining committee, voting to be based on a simple majority. The thesis can be accepted as submitted, accepted with minor modifications, accepted with major modifications, or rejected.

Meanwhile, I could actually be preparing myself. Today was supposed to be my prep day, but instead, I decided to use a bunch of drunken photos of me and some friends by the giant cross on Mont Royal Saturday night and make a fake commercial for a Christian rock group:

Making THAT is how I decided to cap off six years of post-secondary education. And writing this. I just feel like either its happening or its not tomorrow, and no re-reading of something I’ve written myself is going to change that. Honestly, I know deep down it will be fine. But getting up in front of a bunch of extremely educated people and defending something you spent so much time writing that you grew to resent and eventually hate it sounds really unpleasant. I also have a tendency to revert to puberty voice in these situations, and experience nausea, unfinished sentences, and mispronounced words.

And I also fear the feeling when its over and have to truly face the fact that its all done and I have to start acting a little less lost. We’ll see..

Anyway, I’ll probably be blog-lite the next week or so as I prepare to move. TIFF’s around the corner, and that will likely be my full time return.

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Comments

Hafar

Use the “Picture ’em all naked” technique. Works every time!

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