It’s officially here! The Film Nerd’s Superbowl has finally arrived, and we hope you have been sufficiently worked into a lather for the most glitteriest evening of the year: the Oscars. Hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway will hopefully inject some youthful vigor into what is shaping up to be a rather predictable affair. This ain’t no “Hurt Locker” vs. “Avatar” year, guys. The bigger awards seem to be a lock, many deservedly so, however, any upsets will at least lively up the proceedings. If you haven’t read our last Oscarbation piece with predictions and analysis, definitely check it out. “The King’s Speech” is the heavy favorite, sweeping the late momentum away from “The Social Network,” with its traditional Oscar friendly fare (overcoming obstacles, British actors, period costuming), and the Weinstein PR juggernaut.
The red carpet is starting up so here we goooooo!!!
7:04: Woohoo Tim Gunn is on the red carpet! So much better than addled Kathy Ireland last year.
7:07: Tim Gunn manages to be both a class act and a sassy diva with Mila Kunis. Seems like they are making the preshow a little more formal than usual, what with the special backstage interview green room.
7:08: Freakin’ Hailee Steinfeld. The girl at 14 is more poised than I am at 28. Adorbs. Maria Menounos just scared her shitless making her look down the gauntlet of photogs. NICE, Menounos.
7:09: Jesse Eisenberg next to Robin Roberts is a hilarious height comparison. Can the man comb his hair up for once?
7:11: Cuba Goding Jr. has the third best acceptance speech as voted online. Yep. It’s pretty good.
7:15: Amy Adams didn’t mention Christian Bale when she said “everyone’s here” about “The Fighter”… hmm should we read into this?
7:16: Menounos freaking out Jennifer Lawrence by making her look down the photog gauntlet too. Damn Menounos! Jennifer looks SMOKIN’ hot. She’s hilarious.
7:17: Btw, Jeremy Renner mentioned he is shooting “The Avengers” in the summer.
7:18: Ugh Russell Brand. His mom is cute though.
7:21: Melissa Leo looks awesome. Nice to see something a little daring. From the looks of it, I hope these ladies brought their fashion A game to the Oscars, not that horrid mess that was the Golden Globes.
7:21: No I am not interested in seeing how long it takes Justin Timberlake to walk the red carpet. Here’s my guess: a long time.
7:22: AWWWW, PS 22 chorus is the cutest thing ever. Love that are doing a package on them. Can’t wait for the performance. They are singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” tonight, I think my ovaries might explode.
7:30: “Mominees” are talking about their nominated kids. Okay, okay, I’m going to drink the damn Kool aid, I can’t resist manipulative heartwarming shit like this. Mark Wahlberg’s mom is amay-may. Predictably, James Franco’s mom is foxy as hell.
7:33: Dammit Mark Ruffalo’s awesome wife. I am jeallie. I will try to avoid too much “OMG HOT” talk. It’s gonna be hard, not gonna lie.
7:36: Ben Menkiewicz (yes, of those Menkiewiczs) does a little analysis and predicts the Supporting Actress category is pretty much open, despite Melissa Leo’s sweep of the other awards, and the online poll chooses Helena Bonham Carter. Would be unfortunate if those “for your consideration” ads she took out really cost her the little gold man.
7:40: Scar Jo reveals that many Oscar attendees bring snacks to the event. She lost the Bride of Frankenstein hair and says she’s excited to come back for the “The Avengers.”
7:41: I don’t care how far Justin Timberlake has gotten on the carpet!
7:42: Rico Rodriguez interviews people at the Governor’s Ball. Damn you ABC and your cuteness manipulations. I can’t resist a chubby child!
7:44: Matthew McConaughey says “I have a new movie coming out… I’m in it.” Great job, McC.
7:45: Oh dear, Annette Bening needs to eat more cheeseburgers… this skinny look has aged her a million years. Warren Beaty is incoherent.
7:46: Anne Hathaway and Valentino. He’s awesome. Check out “Valentino: The Last Emperor” asap, peoples. Anne’s got some blonde highlights that look strange. She’s got her White Queen from Alice in Wonderland look going on.
7:50: Non Oscar topic: ABC showed an ad for Charlie Sheen’s interview and he says, “I’m on a drug and it’s called Charlie Sheen!” BEST. EVER. Never change, Charlie Sheen. Never.
7:53: How tall is Robin Roberts? She is towering over everyone, even Mark Wahlberg. Wahlberg predicts at least 2 awards for “The Fighter”. Um yeah, Christian and Melissa.
7:53: Geoffrey Rush and Colin Firth are on a man date. Why does Geoffrey Rush have a shaved head? No Phillip Seymour Hoffman Oscar beanie?
7:55: Reese Witherspoon just came into the green room from the set of “Hairspray” with that bouffant. Interviewer lady asked “how long did it take you to arrive to the decision to wear Armani Prive?” It’s a damn dress, not rocket science. This green room is weird, Reese is super quiet and mumbly. She says she saw “Water for Elephants” and it’s great. WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT, WITHERSPOON.
7:57: RDJ looks classic and handsome. No kooky glasses this time around. He and Jude Law are presenting Visual Effects and Editing.
8:03: This isht isn’t starting for another 30 minutes! Damn you Oscars!
8:04: Okay, the Globes trend was forest green, and the Oscar trend is Valentino red: Jennifers Lawrence and Hudson and Anne Hathaway.
8:04: Oh tired and pregnant Natalie Portman. She looks a lot better in plum than in that rose monstrosity from the Globes. Should have left the curtain pull earrings at home.
8:06: AHHH James Franco is already starting the weirdo act with the lame green room lady. She just asked if he’s getting extra credit for hosting the Oscars. FACE. PALM. This lady works for Vanity Fair? So many awkward pauses!!! She got Franco’d!
8:10: Sandy B in Valentino red too! It’s a trend, people. She said she just finished her first day of shooting recently… “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close”? “Gravity”? What is it Sandy?!
8:10: Ben Menkiewicz is back to talk about Best Actor. He just compared Colin Firth to the Green Bay Packers. Football? What? I don’t follow this analogy.
8:15: Woops, totally forgot Nicole Kidman was nominated for best actress tonight. Her flat wispy side bangs are not working for me. Dress is nice though.
8:17: Oh Gwyneth. She says her fashion advice is to not go to far into the avant garde while wearing a shiny gold futuristic alien dress. Also says she wants to do a duet with Jay-Z. Please stop, Gwyneth.
8:18: Jebediah Bale in the house! What is the beard for? Just for fun? I liked the long Jesus hair better.
8:25: Yes…. we’re inside the theater with Hugh Jackman!
8:26: And Tom Hanks and Roberto Begnini win the #2 and #1 acceptance speeches. Very cute, yes, hopefully someone climbs on a chair tonight.
8:27: GAHHH Green Room of Mumbles. Why does this room make everyone quiet and weird?! This Vanity Fair lady interviewer is lame!
8:28: Tom Hanks is presenting the first award! Weeee! Supporting Actress, right?
8:30: Almost there!
8:33: And we open with a rousing Best Picture montage! Nice effect there, Academy.
8:35: James Franco and Anne Hathaway insert themselves into “Inception” to gain Alec Baldwin’s tips on hosting. And they jump into the rest of the Best Picture nominess. Very…. MTV Movie Awards…
8:37: Morgan Freeman: “Alec invites me to narrate his dreams… because I have a soothing voice.” Ha!
8:39: And it turns out it’s James Franco’s dream! Of course this means they end up in a DeLorean to get to the Oscars.
8:40: Anne looks wonderful in her white dress, naturally. Ha, she says to James “you look very appealing to a younger demographic as well.” Got to love the meta stuff. Franco is delightfully Franco-ish and smirky.
8:43: More mom and grandma stuff. Franco and his grandma have the same haircut. And grandma says she’s psyched that she saw “Marky Mark”. You and me both, girl.
8:45: Ok…. they are going off script here. There’s a “Gone With the Wind” tribute and now Tom Hanks is talking about art direction and cinematography. He’s presenting Art Direction. Is this usually first?!?!
8:47: Booooo…. “Alice in Wonderland” takes Art Direction. How is this steaming pile an Oscar winning film now?! And can anyone tell me why they are changing up the order here? I have no idea what’s going on, hold me I’m scared.
8:50: “Inception” wins for Cinematography! Yay Wally Pfister, but, take your glasses off your head. His speech is endearing. Nice to see “Inception” getting some early love after all the snubs they got in the noms. Total upset over Roger Deakins, Oscar pools are being destroyed and we’re only 20 minutes in!
8:54: FUCK YES KIRK DOUGLAS!!! He’s awesome, even in this advanced stage. He’s skeeving on Hathaway, gotta love the Douglas spirit is still alive and kicking.
8:56: Kirk Douglas presents Supporting Actress to… oh dear the Helena Bonham Carter crazy reaction shot is going strong…. and these acting packages are long…. okay…. present the award… to… oh dear Kirk Douglas is still going on…. why is he talking about about Australians thinking he’s funny…. these ladies are on the edge of their seats…. and I am too… dear god man I don’t care that Colin Firth is laughing!!! The winner is…. Melissa Leo!
9:00: Kirk hits on Melissa as well. Seriously the best part of this already weird night. Melissa Leo does the traditional befuddled and bewildered acceptance speech. She’s all speechless and breathless. OMG SHE JUST DROPPED AN F-BOMB!!!!! Ahahahahahaha nice finger on the bleep button ABC. Melissa is straight up babbling about nonsense. Oh god she got all fervent at the end. Cray cray acceptance speech that will be all over the blogs tomorrow.
9:04: Justin Timberlake just copped to being Banksy. Nice. But why is animated now? They keep screwing with the order and it’s throwing me. These crazy young and hip Oscars. Mila Kunis pulls a Douglas… and eventually presents the Animated Short to “The Lost Thing.”
9:07: Time for the animated feature! Oscar goes to… jesus everyone’s going to do this Douglas delay thing tonight… “TOY STORY 3”!!! No surprises there.
9:08: Is this seriously the first commercial break. Oy.
9:09: My dream is Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem in white tie and white dinner jackets dancing together. Thank you Oscars. They present Best Adapted Screenplay to Aaron Sorkin for “The Social Network” OBVIOUSLY. Sorkin namechecks Paddy Chayefsky right off the bat. Sorkin’s speech seems rehearsed. And geez, is David Fincher ever NOT intense? Sorkin’s getting played off but he still takes the time to name Armie Hammer twice.
9:20: And now onto the best Original Screenplay… Oscar goes to “The King’s Speech.” Yup. Not a surprise there. David Seidler can’t find the mic, but he’s charming nonetheless. “The King’s Speech” train begins, but seriously, screenplay for this movie?
9:26: Hathaway is a tux singing “On My Own,” and she’s calling out Hugh Jackman for not dueting with her. Gal can SANG.
9:28: Franco in Marilyn Monroe drag. Obvs. This “young hip” Oscars just got Franco’d. Add one more Charlie Sheen joke to the bucket.
9:29: Helen Mirren is so ridiculously hot and Russell Brand is so awful. The Best Foreign Film goes to “In A Better World,” no surprise since it won the Globe as well. Sorry, “Dogtooth”!
9:32: Reese Witherspoon and her ponytail present Best Supporting Actor to… Christian Bale! No surprises there!
9:35: Gotta love Bale’s black on black look. Great speech, he references Melissa Leo’s F-bomb and his own meltdown in one sentence. And a nice Dicky Ecklund shoutout with a great shot to Dicky. Bale is wonderful, a long overdue award.
9:42: The president of the Academy and the president of ABC show up to say that the Oscars will be on ABC until 2020. Great, thanks for the update.
9:43: Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman present a retrospective of the history of sound and music in film, with an orchestral montage of some great scores. Always gotta include “Star Wars.” The award for best score goes to…Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross for “The Social Network!”
9:47: I WANNA FUCK YOU LIKE AN OSCAR (stole that from Kevin, btw). When we were 14 did you ever think you’d see Trent Reznor in a tux accepting an Oscar?
9:48: Scar Jo and Matt McC present the award for sound mixing. God their schtick is weird. And the Oscar for the award that no one can ever really explain goes to… “Inception”! Bongggg BONNNNGGG.
9:51: Sound guys shout out Chris Nolan big time. Scar and McC present sound editing. Again, find me the person who explains the difference between these two awards. The award goes to “Inception” again! It’s a different guy this time. Again, big Chris Nolan shout out.
9:58: Elvin faerie queen Cate Blanchett presents makeup and costuming… the nominees are hilarious and Cate says, “that’s gross.” HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS WE NOW LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE “THE WOLFMAN” IS AN OSCAR WINNING FILM!!!!!!!!
10:00: I’m glad to see Rick Baker’s silver ponytail is still in splendid shape.
10:01: Shut the front door, “Alice in Wonderland” wins again for costume design. Gotta love when costume designers wear something wacky, and this lady delivers with the black lace gloves.
10:05: In a montage reminding us how bad most movie songs are, Barack Frickin’ Obama shows up to stump for “As Time Goes By.” And Kevin Spacey intros Randy Newman (snooze).
10:06: If I never see that cad Randy Newman performing at the Oscars again, it will be too soon. Eventually, it will just be a montage of Randy Newman performing his various songs at the Oscars over the years.
10:08: Hey guys, don’t worry Mandy Moore is alive and well and not kidnapped to Ryan Adams’ basement. She and the guy from “Chuck” sing the song from “Tangled.” Put on a damn jacket, guy from “Chuck.” Um are there only two nominated songs?
10:14: Amy Adams and Jake Gyllenhaal present shorts. Amy can’t let go of Jake’s arm. Don’t blame you, girl. Doc short goes to: “Strangers No More.”
10:18: Best live action short goes to “God of Love,” this guy is amazing. How old is he? He wins the award for Unknown We’ll Be Talking About Tomorrow. Franco shouts out NYU in reference to that guy. Nice.
10:21: Auto-tuned remix of popular films of this year. WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!? This is not the VMAs, Academy. Did someone just see the Antoine Dodson autotune video? Young and hip Oscars is not happening.
10:22: PLEASE WELCOME OPRAAAAAHHHHHH to present best doc. The Coens and Geoffrey Rush are bored by Oprah. The best doc goes to “Inside Job”!!
10:25: Wow, “Inside Job” guy makes a bold political statement about financial executives not being in jail 2 years after the fraud that caused the financial crisis.
10:29: Everyone’s favorite Oscar host Billy Crystal gets a standing o just for showing up. He jokes about the show running long (I MEAN COME ON PEOPLE) but instead he presents a package about the first televised Oscars. Jeebus. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE STILL TALKING ABOUT BOB HOPE.
10:33: I take that back, can we reanimate Bob Hope to host the Oscars? I’m pretty sure Franco is high. Ick, but why must they digitally make him introduce RDJ and Jude Law? Creeeepppyyy.
10:34: RDJ rips on VFX dudes, and Jude rips on RDJ’s former drug daze. Best presenters of the night, by far. The Oscar goes to “Inception”! Nice! They are getting some love tonight!
10:37: Now it’s time for Best Editing… the Oscar goes to “The Social Network”! HELLo hottie in the glasses, why is your wife wearing sunglasses? And David Fincher lighten up already!
10:44: Jennifer Hudson is here to introduce the last best song noms. Florence Welch and A.R. Rahman perform the song from “127 Hours.”
10:47: God NO, just stop G. Pa. Please stop pretending you are some down home chick. I do have to appreciate the 80s-tastic white mic.
10:48: And the winner for Best Song goes to… Randy Newman. BO-ring. But wait, this is the 20th nomination but only 2nd Oscar for Newman? Odd! The more you know shooting star! Thanks Oscar announcer. Newman’s speech is nicely unhinged and weird. Did someone slip something into the punch bowl? I’m looking at you, Franco.
10:55: Oh GOOD GOD, Celine Dion singing “Smile” for the Death montage. THEY CAN’T INTRO A DAMN DEATH MONTAGE. I need a little prep here.
10:56: I am so pissed they don’t allow applause during the Death Montage anymore. How am I supposed to know who everyone is most sad about?! Also Tony Curtis should have gotten the money shot at the end. Lena Horne gets the money shot. Halle Berry comes out to talk about how she was the first black performer to sign a major studio contract, because we’ve seen such a great representation of diversity tonight.
11:03: Hathaway is wearing shiny purple and intros Hillary Swank to introduce Kathryn Bigelow to present Best Director. There are so many levels of introductions, it’s a damn Inception of presenters. Good lord Bigelow is tall. I hate her dress but I love her movies! HOLY SHIT TOM HOOPER WINS. WTF X A MILLION!!!!!!!
11:06: Could Tom Hooper be any stiffer? Thankfully he references the “Triangle of ManLove,” which makes me happy. Still FINCHER WUZ ROBBED.
11:08: I really need Annette Bening to get a new hairstyle. The “Crazy Al Pacino” is not working for me. She intros the package for the We Didn’t Want To Show These Live Lifetime Achievement Awards.
11:10: Francis Ford Coppola, Eli Wallach and Kevin Brownlow get to come out for some reason before they cut to commercial. What??! I bet it’s awesome hanging out with Eli Wallach and Kirk Douglas. I want to hear their stories.
11:14: Jeff Bridges comes out to present Best Actress. A win one year and a nom the next, nice, Bridges. JB does some little intros for the ladies, and the ladies are LOVING it.
11:16: From the waist up, Jennifer Lawrence looks like Pamela Anderson in Baywatch, and I mean that in the best way possible.
11:18: And our first look at lovely sparkly elf Michelle Williams of the evening. She’s lovely. Why didn’t we see more Michelle?
11:19: Natalie Portman takes it! No surprises there. Her speech is… predictable. Oh Jesus she has to shout out the baby daddy Benjamin, she’s always gotta be like, guess what I’m preggo by this dude! We get it, Portman!
11:22: Ha! Hathaway flubs and tells everyone to drink at home. Intros Sandy B to give the Best Actor award. She also gives a delightful intro to all the mens. She calls out Jeff B. to give another guy a chance, already. Sandy’s always so disarmingly funny.
11:25: And the Oscar goes to… Colin Firth! No surprise. I bet you 10 bucks he talks about his love for Geoffrey Rush or the triangle of man love.
11:28: Colin Firth just wants to dance but he’s so uptight and British he just can’t. Come on, dude, this isn’t the King’s Long Pause. Spit it out!
11:30: How weird is it that Tom Hooper is sitting in the audience holding his Oscar? That seems weird. Don’t they have a table? A cubby? Put it under your chair? I lost the bet about the triangle of man love, disappointed.
11:34: Steven Spielberg is here to present Best Picture! Weeee. So they decided to do a montage of all the films to the actual King’s Speech. Are they just letting us know it’s winning?
11:38: And the winner is… “The King’s Speech.” No fuckin shit. Where is Fincher? I need to see his face right now.
11:40: You know what, I’m super glad the producer of ‘King’s Speech’ thanked his boyfriend. America needs to hear that.
11:41: PS 22!!!!! They are the bestest ever! Singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” And now all the Oscar winners are coming out behind the chorus. Hathaway is doling out high fives. SHE WOULD.
11:44: Okay, y’all. It’s been fun but it’s time for bed. Hope you enjoyed the liveblog, and I’m NOT going back and checking for typos now, so please don’t leave me any mean comments about that. Love you, thanks for reading, thanks Kevin and RP for the backup, and GOOD NIGHT.