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Review: ‘The Big Bang’ Starring Antonio Banderas Is More Like A Bad Lay

Review: 'The Big Bang' Starring Antonio Banderas Is More Like A Bad Lay

Why is it that all hard boiled detectives in movies have to have the standard-issue growly deep-voiced monotone? Are there no soprano private investigators? The throat lozenge market would make a killing catering their ads specifically to people like P.I. Ned Cruz, the hero of this Friday’s “The Big Bang,” a silly noir pisstake hitting DVD soon after its theatrical run.

Cruz (Antonio Banderas) is about to hang it up after another long night of raspy interrogations and seedy client visits when he’s visited by Anton (Robert Maillet), a hulking Russian boxer who claims his girlfriend has gone missing. Cruz would usher this man out of his office if Anton didn’t reveal that the missing girl is also currently nursing $30 million in diamonds. Maillet, last seen as the wordless thug who chases the title character of “Sherlock Holmes,” appears frequently throughout the narrative, and sharing scenes with a number of talented character actors, he has a chance to assert himself as a compelling onscreen performer. He does not take full advantage of this chance.

Cruz’s journey leads him to New Mexico, and soon he realizes that Lexie is somehow involved with billionaire Simon Kestral. Kestral had secluded himself in the desert with a young physicist prodigy, dedicating his money towards finding the Higgs-Boson particle (or, the “God Particle”) and using it to create… well, it’s there in the title. Kestrel is played by Sam Elliot, one of many respected actors in the film who relished the opportunity to ham up a storm without any of those pesky “auteurs” telling them to clam up. As such, it’s hard to take him seriously through a blinding-white Edgar Winter toupee that makes him resemble an extra in “Gentlemen Broncos.”

The somewhat liberal logic of the film partly stems from Cruz himself, who narrates the entire affair for a trio of men who demand to know what became of the diamonds. It seems like some sort of holding cell, but the desperation of these men makes this shakedown seem just a bit shady. It doesn’t help that Cruz appears punch-drunk and possibly concussed, having soaked up enough information about the God Particle that his predicament is borderline philosophical. Which allows three fine actors (William Fichtner, Delroy Lindo and Thomas Kretschmann) to go through the motions by repeating variations of, “Stop jerking us around, you handsome Latin treasure!”

It’s unclear how TV producer-turned-director Tony Krantz managed to wrangle such a cast for a confused genre trip like this. Even Banderas spends the film wondering how he became a leading man candidate for stuff like this (Tom Jane, presumably, wasn’t available), assuming a low growl is able to excuse a characterization that makes him the rube when dealing with some, and supernaturally in tune with others. The inconsistency becomes so distracting in Banderas’ performance that you begin to suspect, in addition to the loopy quantum physics and cartoony crime underworld, that his character has a possibly supernatural side where he’s playing all sides of this con for saps. It’s a genuine career-low. Congratulations to Bill Duke, James Van Der Beek and Snoop Dogg, who only appear in one scene each and somehow maintain their dignity. Oh, wait, Van Der Beek has tantric sex with a midget jester and Snoop plays a porn producer named Puss? Nevermind then.

“The Big Bang” feels like five below-quality film ideas shoved together, each one possibly funny on the page, but played straight by Krantz, who loads his movie with ugly indoor shadows and an inexplicable avalanche of dutch angles. Every moment of failed camp plays like High Drama, with the pieces in this elaborate chess game constantly clashing against each other in an attempt to add meaning to a story that is less a cohesive narrative and more of a free association exercise. Closing with an apocalyptic car chase, “The Big Bang” finally realizes there’s nowhere to go but down, eschewing the unconventionality of the earlier moments for a closing ten minutes that wouldn’t be out of place in a standard Hollywood actioner. Which is a disappointment. Because at that point all the movie had going for it was that it was “different.” [D-]

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no, bill fichtner is not this movies saving grace! What saves this movie is all the wise cracks banderas makes at his expense (if you can decipher his heavy accent).

Gabe Toro

I will subscribe to your newsletter, Anadish.

Anadish Kumar Pal

Can Higgs boson explain momentum, inertia and moment of inertia? Can it explain gyroscopic effects? Can it explain dark matter? LHC cannot announce a breakthrough because there is none from their side; rather, they are now working on an exit plan after the USPTO screened my application for two months under secrecy review. Quite probable that LHC got a whiff of what was brewing at the USPTO.

The actual discovery of gravity’s exact mechanism along with that of dark matter has already taken place, way back in autumn 2010. I know from my theoretical understanding that it is impossible to find any traces of Higgs boson as a quantum particle in the Hadron collider, neither can it show the existence of dark matter. Some details of my discovery of how gravitation exactly works are on ; details of how it is produced in the framework of quantum mechanics has been disclosed to the US Patent Office and is to be published by them as a patent application. I consciously did not report to any peer-reviewed journal, fearing discrimination, because of my non-institutional status as a researcher. I had filed the US patent application (US 13/045,558) on March 11, 2011, after filing a mandatory Indian patent application on January 11, 2011.


Ok, ok, so this obviously isn’t a very good movie… but some bad movies are worth watching. I just need to know one thing:

Assume I saw Drive Angry 3D (I did) and loved it, despite the fact that it was undeniably terrible. Now, assume that the primary reason for my loving it was William Fitchtner (it was).

With that in mind, would it be worth it for me to sit through this? Or is it so dreadful not even the mighty, god-like Bill Fichtner can save it for me?

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