Currently in a tight neck-and-neck race with Roland Emmerich‘s “Anonymous” to be the stupidest movie of the fall, “The Three Musketeers,” which sees “Resident Evil” director Paul W.S. Anderson cunningly reboot Alexandre Dumas‘ legendary characters for the 21st century by trying to make it look as much like “Resident Evil” as humanly possible, is looming on the release schedule. We’ve already seen one truly terrible trailer for the film, and now, with the film’s October release date coming closer, Summit have released the first one-sheet for the film, via Yahoo.
Design wise, it’s going for a “Raiders of the Lost Ark“/”Star Wars“-esque look, albeit not hand-painted, an admirable idea, but one that’s not quite worked out in execution, to say the least. No one comes off well here, but we’ve decided to rank the humiliation levels of the principle cast members: who will be the most embarrassed when they walk past the one-sheet in a theater?
9. Juno Temple/James Corden/Til Schweiger/Freddie Fox — Because they’re not on it.
8. Ray Stevenson — The “Rome” veteran is essentially replicating a pose from his short-lived time as “The Punisher,” but considering his shaven head and pistol, you wouldn’t tell that to his face.
7. Mads Mikkelsen — The ice-cool Dane has already survived “Clash of the Titans” unscathed, so his embarrassment threshold is pretty high, and he manages to sort of pull off the silly eyepatch he has to wear. On the down side, the poster’s odd sense of proportion makes him look the same height as Milla Jovovich‘s shinbone.
6. Christoph Waltz – The “Inglourious Basterds” actor has an Oscar, and was the best thing in the otherwise painful “Green Hornet.” Even if his Cardinal Richelieu is wearing a suit of armor over what appears to be some kind of Lady Gaga fetish outfit, he’ll be fine.
5. Matthew MacFayden – The “Pride & Prejudice” star’s fighting posture is distinctly less hard-man than his colleagues, looking more like a dancer than a fighter. He’s also facing a different direction than his fellow cast-members, as though he was unable to resist the allure of Milla Jovovich’s corset.
4. Logan Lerman – The young actor, playing D’Artagnan, actually pulls off a fairly respectable heroic posture. Or at least, he would if his sword hadn’t been photoshopped in a way that makes it look like he’s shining a flashlight on his crotch.
3. Milla Jovovich – On the one hand, Jovovich’s partner is the film’s director, Paul W.S. Anderson, so she had no choice but to appear in this. On the other, she’s keeping up the “Resident Evil” vibe by looking a bit like a corpse, and is positioned in such a way that Waltz and herself look like Orlando Bloom’s European-actor-themed shoulder pads.
2. Luke Evans – He might be one of the most in-demand actors around, only just missing out on “The Bourne Legacy” and “The Great Gatsby,” but Unconvincing Ninja Pose + The Photoshopped Impression That He’s Lit His Fart In Order To Kill A Pair Of Borrowers = hardcore embarrassment.
1. Orlando Bloom – Look at that face. Look at the way that his earring is positioned to give the impression of a Christmas decoration being hung off his moustache. Of course, if the on-set interview below is anything to go by, Bloom was Richard Harris-level drunk throughout the entire filming, so he may have no recollection of being in the film at all, saving him the humiliation.
“The Three Musketeers” lands in theaters, in look-at-how-many-swords-we-can-point-in-your-face 3D, on October 14th.