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Watch Conan O’Brien’s Commencement Speech, Where Nietzsche Meets the Cartoon Network

Watch Conan O'Brien's Commencement Speech, Where Nietzsche Meets the Cartoon Network

Want the satisfaction of graduating without all the pesky course work? Watch Conan O’Brien’s very amusing commencement speech delivered at Dartmouth over the weekend.

Among other things, he pronounces the Conan Doctrine, whose tenets include: “All bachelor degrees will be upgraded to masters degrees, all masters degrees will be upgraded to PhD’s, and all MBA students will be immediately transferred to a white collar prison.”

And he offers a more serious, entertainingly framed life lesson built on his experience losing the Tonight Show and moving on. A snippet:

“I learned a hard but profound lesson last year and I’d like to share it with you. In 2000, I told graduates ‘Don’t be afraid to fail.’ Well now I’m here to tell you that, though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it. Nietzsche famously said ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ But what he failed to stress is that IT ALMOST KILLS YOU. Disappointment stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is disorienting. What Nietzsche should have said is ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning.’”

Here’s the whole address. You can read a transcript at the Team Coco site.

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