Hey, guys! Brett Ratner here. You know, the Ratmeister? Sir Rats-A-Lot? King Rat? Ratty Boom Boom? RAT@T? Rat-A-Tat-Tat? B-RATZ? The Ratlantic Ocean? Ratatouille? Rat The Mountains Of Madness? Rattack The Block? Ratlas Shrugged? Hayley Ratwell? Rat Damon? Rat Long Last Love? Director of the Academy Award-nominated “After The Sunset?”* There we go.
* Editor’s note: “After The Sunset” was never nominated for an Academy Award. Or, indeed, any awards.
When I’m not romancing supermodels or directing box office smashes like my hilarious new movie “Tower Heist” (opening in all good theaters November 4th), I like to produce movies for other people. Did you see “Paid In Full“? “Running Scared“? “Code Name: The Cleaner“? “Skyline“? They all came into existence thanks to my shepherding, and it’s the kind of track record that makes people sit up and take notice. Off the back of the box office success of my latest movie as producer, “Horrible Bosses,” and the “Snow White” movie I’m producing for Tarsem right now, I got an interesting offer. You might have read some cool news in The Hollywood Reporter. No, not the trailer for my hilarious new movie “Tower Heist” (opening in all good theaters November 4th). I’m gonna produce the Oscars!
That’s right, The 2012 Academy Awards are gonna be a Rat Films production! I won’t be on my own, though: the Academy thought that Don Mischer did such a good job with the ceremony this year — autotuning “Twilight“? That’s almost as hilarious as my hilarious new movie “Tower Heist” — that he’s coming back to produce with me, as well as directing the ceremony. I’m not one to blow my own horn (I’ve got plenty of aspiring actresses who’ll do that for me! Yeah, you know what I mean!), but Don told THR “His enthusiasm was just overwhelming.” And, I can tell you, it was!
Also, Academy CEO Dawn Hudson said, “We just had an instinct that he would have a fresh point of view for the show. He’s young, he’s enthusiastic, and mostly he comes with a deep, deep love of movies. Brett is such a renowned cinephile, and such a student of this industry and of the Oscar shows. He knows the ins and outs of the shows from the beginning of time. He has a very broad sense of entertainment, a great sense of comedy, and he’s a showman.” Ah, man, I’m blushing!
Now some of you might be worried that I don’t have enough experience with Oscar-type movies — after all, I make movies for audiences, not for snobby critics and Academy voters. But don’t forget, my movie “Red Dragon” was the prequel to the Best Picture-winning movie “The Silence of the Lambs,” and “prequel” is Spanish for “better than the original.” Also, “reboot” is Spanish for “awesome.” Plus, I know a thing or two about serious subject matter, because my ex-fiancee ran over a nine-year-old kid with her car.
I love Old Hollywood — I live in Ingrid Bergman‘s old house, he’s so awesome in “True Blood” — so that’s going to be a key part of the show, and there’ll be plenty of comedy, like in my hilarious new comedy “Tower Heist.” We’re keeping a lot of what we’re planning under wraps, but I want to get you guys excited, so here’s ten things I can reveal about this year’s show, which will be on February 26th at the good old Kodak Theater in Hollywood, U.S.A.
1. As I’ve taken over from Matthew Vaughn, who was going to produce, but dropped out at the last minute, I’ll be following his blueprint closely. So, yes, that means that Vinnie Jones will still be presenting the In Memoriam reel, guys! (And remember, “X-Men: The Last Stand” was the biggest grossing movie in the series, and it wasn’t set in the boring olden days!)
2. Otherwise, the ceremony will be a shot-for-shot remake of when Michael Mann produced the show in 1986. But with more Anthony Hopkins!
3. The Best Foreign-Language Film category will be replaced by Best Remake Of A Foreign-Language Film.
4. More exclamation points! It won’t just be ‘Best Picture’, it’ll be ‘Best Picture!!!!’ Oh, and we’re increasing the field of nominees to 50.
5. The MTV Movie Awards are so much cooler, so we’re following their lead and adding a few more categories. We’re still nailing the list down, but on the short list are Best Horrible Boss, Best Heist In A Tower, and Most Eagerly Anticipated Snow White Movie Without The Word ‘Huntsman’ In The Title!
6. Viewers love it when hot young actresses win awards — just look at Natalie Portman who won last year (although she was pregnant, gross). So this year, we’re introducing a swimsuit round to the Best Supporting Actress category. Time to hit the gym, Viola Davis!
7. We know there’s been a lot of talk about the hosts, but we’ve got a real treat for you this year. Yes, Turtle from “Entourage“, and Tea Leoni, star of my hilarious new movie “Tower Heist“!
8. Spike TV are going to broadcast the show this year, just after a very special episode of “Deadliest Warrior” investigating who would win in a fight between a ninja and Brett Ratner. Spoiler: it’s me, guys!
9. Noah Baumbach‘s going to do a script polish, like he did on my hilarious new movie “Tower Heist”! It’s the only way we could get on-stage patter more awkward than the chemistry between James Franco and Anne Hathaway last year!
10. Jack Nicholson‘s not invited. That dude totally cockblocked me at the “Catfish” premiere. Fuck that dude.