Last month it was announced that “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” and “Real Steel” producers Don Murphy and Susan Montford had inked a contract with Cartoon Network to develop a live action movie of the animated cartoon, “Captain Planet.” Now, if you ever happened to be babysitting a four- to eight-year-old during its early ’90s run, you’re aware that “Captain Planet” was irony-free and/or perhaps earnest in a way that no longer exists in children’s cartoons. Even in the early ’90s before slacker culture had set in, “Captain Planet” was the fey, milquetoast hero of children’s cartoons especially in comparison to the reference-heavy and very self-aware “Tiny Toons” and “Animaniacs” (the former would begin in 1990, the same year as ‘Planet’).
Essentially, ‘Planet’ was a do-gooder environmentalist superhero with zero nuance and personality other than “hey kids, drink your Ovaltine and save trees!” without nary the faintest wink. So when the live-action project was announced this past July, we sort of shook our heads. But now, thanks to Funny Or Die, screenwriters won’t have to spend too much time breaking the script. The perfect way to make a “Captain Planet” movie has arrived. The ingredients are this: Don Cheadle as the Captain, and playing him as a bifurcated, two-layer character: 1) A raging sociopath who will smilingly stop at nothing, turning babies, puppies and school children into trees and 2) a violent gangster who will turn on his own fellow Captain Planet fey-ites if they try and stop his eco-friendly world domination.
Hollywood, this shit is a) more interesting and funny than half the projects you announced in the last three weeks and b) already all mapped out for you. Go forth and make millions. You’re welcome, signed Funny Or Die. The awesome video below.