Let’s start off by talking about those reviews. I find it surprising just how low the Rotten Tomatoes score is for “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1,” because some of those bad reviews are from people who were at least stunned and amazed, while too many others are just sheep going with the expectation of promise of a negative and probably snarkily written review. And what’s the point of them anyway? Few critics would admit to enjoying parts of this silly soapy melodramatic fantasy even if they did, and they don’t and won’t affect the audience anyway, Twi-hard or otherwise. I went into the film cold with some knowledge but never having seen a “Twilight” movie and I surprisingly enjoyed it quite a bit. Other honest peers and friends share the fascination at least, and it’s these people (MSN’s Glenn Kenny, A.V. Club’s Alison Willmore, Indiewire’s own Eric Kohn) that ought to make you more curious if you’re not a fan, especially if you’ve dismissed the series blindly. I know people hate the truly contrarion critics out there, but one should always look at the minority opinions of movies. In the case of “Breaking Dawn,” for instance, they make talking about the movie a lot more interesting. See my Conversation post on “Breaking Dawn” buzz at Movies.com for proof.
2. What if the “Twilight” characters were real?
I leave it up to you to write the essay on what the stories would really be like if Bella, Edward, Jacob and the rest existed in real life. For now, take a look at Noah Griffith’s somewhat creepy slideshow gallery at Screen Junkies titled “If ‘Twilight’ Characters Were Real People.” It’s all for a laugh, as much at goth kids as the “Twilight” franchise. And real life Edward is the very opposite of the prettiest boy in the world. He’s more like the real life Beavis.
3. How does the “Breaking Dawn” birth measure against other film’s nasty deliveries?
For MTV Movies Blog, Eric Ditzian lists “10 Other Gruesome Baby Births,” which includes movies like “The Hills Have Eyes 2,” “Men in Black” and a double shot of David Cronenber with “The Brood” and “The Fly.” This one seems most comparable to the scene in the new “Twilight” movie:
“Freddy Got Fingered”
When Tom Green finds himself in a hospital room next to a woman in labor, his OBGYN instincts have him asking the baby to take his hand, biting through the umbilical cord with his teeth, and trying to “wake up” the baby by swinging it like a lasso above his head. Tom Green is not a doctor. Nor should he be allowed to write, direct and star in a movie.
4. Is Bella’s pregnancy too long?
Contrary to what some inattentive critics think (ahem, Roger Ebert), the gestation period for Edward and Bella’s baby is not nine months. It’s more like a few weeks, about the equivalent of a mouse (but not a vampire bat, which is pregnant almost as long as a human). If this still seemed too long for you impatient viewers, here’s a nice new parody of “Breaking Dawn” just for you. Also answered: did it take Bella too long to get pregnant? should Bella have had more children? what if Bella had a kid with Jacob? should the “Twilight” movies have more farts? Here’s “Breaking Dawn: The Untold Story”:
5. Was Edward really a virgin, too?
And now another parody video that answers Bella’s question of whether or not Edward is also a virgin and whether she’s truly the one he’s been waiting for over the past century. Nope. An old flame comes back to ruin things:
6. The best “Twilight” parody of all time
How do the above parodies measure against those of the past? We’ll have to wait until K.Thor Jensen revisits his UGO list of “Best Twilight Parodies” years from now. Included are spoofs from “Saturday Night Live,” “Jimmy Kimmel Live!”/”The Jersey Shore” and “Funny or Die.” At the moment, his number one is the borderline offensive “Rise of the Man Wolf.” I still much prefer the second one, though, so here’s “The Twilight Puppet Saga” for old time’s sake:
7. What do we learn from “Breaking Dawn Part 1”?
If you ask Entertainment Weekly critic Lisa Schwarzbaum, the answer is this: “marriage feels like a life sentence, weddings are miserable events, honeymoon sex is dangerous and leaves a bride covered in bruises, and pregnancy is a torment that leads to death in exchange for birth.” If you ask PopMatters’ Bill Gibron, you get a list of “The 10 Insipid Things We Learn in ‘The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1′”. One of the things reminds me that I (and others) would actually love to see the extended version of the wedding as its own film, “Bella Getting Married” or something. More toasts, I say, not less, and more bearded cellist! Gibron says:
Vampire Weddings Allow for Too Many Toasts
Everybody it seems, from Bella’s previously under-utilized mother to a couple character BFFs get to stand up in front of everyone at this shindig and make some of the worst nuptial speeches ever. One even sings a song so cheesy that guests confuse it for hors d’ oeuvres. While funny in a kind of “aren’t these people dumb” sort of way, it more or less explains why Dracula never got hitched—the reception is just endless…and awful.
8. What movie weddings would you like to attend?
Speaking of “Rachel Getting Married,” the film lands on a list at Cinema Blend of “8 Movie Weddings We’d Rather Attend Than Edward and Bella’s.” Also included: “The Godfather,” “The Philadelphia Story” and “The Wedding Singer.” While I’m not surprised none of the monster weddings I listed yesterday are included — no, wait, who wouldn’t want to attend the Muppet wedding over any of these? — I didn’t expect to see “Very Bad Things” on there. The reasoning:
No event churns out awkward moments as consistently as a wedding. You can’t feed two hundred people of various ages and outlooks with booze and expect to get by without an inappropriate toast, a bridesmaid wipeout or a married dude hitting on a college girl. These faux pas might be hard to watch at the time, but they tend to both get funnier and inspire conspiracy theories later on. Often these I-wonder-what-happened-between-those-two conversations are baseless, but if ever there was a time for letting one’s imagination run wild, it was during and after Kyle and Laura’s wedding in Very Bad Things. He started out with four groomsmen. In between the bachelor party and the ceremony, one died via a murder-suicide and another was run down by a car. Just moments before the I-Dos, a third disappeared amidst shouts from the back, leaving poor Charles lonely and isolated opposite four bridesmaids. I have no idea what the hell would have gone through my mind were I in attendance, but I imagine the inter-guest conjecture would have been epic. I wish I was there, even though that longing probably makes me a horrible person.
9. How to hate “Twilight” while liking Robert Pattinson
Pajiba’s Dustin Rowles hates the “Twilight” movies (“a pimple on the ass of humanity”) but he offers up some evidence for why Robert Pattinson should be appreciated in spite of his most famouse role. From his intro to the illustrative argument in “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the RPatz”:
It’s hard to separate the movies, the fans, and the global hype from the actors themselves. Now, I’ve seen Taylor Lautner interviews: That guy is as dumb and dull as he is in his movies. But Robert Pattinson? I wouldn’t quite put him in the man-crush column, but he’s amusing, a clever English bloke working a job that he clearly hates. The longer the series goes on, and the fewer possible repercussions, the more sh*t he talks. I’m convinced that no one hates Twilight as much as Robert Pattinson, and the enemy of my enemy is a multimillionaire who gets to sleep with Kristen Stewart every night.
10. Will the “Twilight” movies hold up in decades to come?
Amanda Dobbins predicts the next-generation fate of the “Twilight” series at Vulture. As a newly converted…umm, I wouldn’t say fan…I have to assume some people will rediscover the films at least for camp enjoyment twenty years from now. Dobbins says:
a big part of the Twilight movie experience is the frenzy — the weird tattoos, the insane fan sites, the are-they-or-aren’t-they-dating speculation. (They are. Even that fun is over.) After Breaking Dawn: Part 2 — the final half of the final book — that hysteria will fade away. Movies like Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings live on because people watch them alone, after the commercial brouhaha dies down. Twilight watched alone is just a poorly lit staring contest between two strange-looking dudes (neither of whom will be famous, if recent box office earnings are any indication). It’s like the boy band of successful movie-to-book franchises — no one lusts and shrieks more passionately than its fans, but eventually they will put the R-Patz and Lautner posters in the trash, next to the David Cassidy, New Kids, and N’Sync posters of yore. The next generation will likely want pinup boys all their own.