Morning Pour is your daily stop for quick links, news commentary and trend-spotting. Here are your ten topics for Wednesday, November 16, 2011:
1. “Mirror, Mirror” is a bad apple
That was the consensus after the trailer for Tarsem Singh’s goofy Snow White movie, “Mirror, Mirror,” appeared online yesterday. How does someone make a worse fairy tale movie than “Enchanted”? Why does everyone find it necessary to speak in English accents when storybook classics have no nationality? Julia Roberts could be so much more enjoyable, I bet, if she wasn’t struggling so bad with the voice. The other day someone tweeted that Tarsem and Julie Taymor should just do it already. I don’t know about that, but they’re definitely a similar kind, each a visually imaginative filmmaker who I once loved and now despise. I’d make a “Losing my Religion” joke now, but that’s really more of the kind of lame humor that would fit in Melissa Wallack and Jason Keller’s script. Maybe there’s even one in there somewhere after that trillionth dwarf-related “say hello to my little friend” bit. They might as well have reference to a cherry with seven dents in it. Or is that too raunchy for this kind of immature disaster?
2. Ivan Reitman is making a Michael Jackson biopic
Some find it weird that Reitman is producing a biopic about the King of Pop. I’m mostly outraged that it’s been less than ten years and they’re already remaking “Man in the Mirror: The Michael Jackson Story.” Okay, that movie was terrible, but is it really possible for any portrayal of Jackson to be taken seriously after so many parodies and bad TV movies? Which of Reitman’s regular actors would be best as the lead, Bill Murray, Kevin Kline or Arnold Schwarzenegger?
3. Princess Leia Trashes “Star Trek” and William Shatner
Carrie Fisher doesn’t seem to have ever actually seen any “Star Trek” film or TV series, but that doesn’t stop her from criticizing its lack of truly “special” effects. She also says the fact that Sarah Palin like the franchise is enough of a point that it’s bad. Watch the “Star Wars” actress shit talk in the video here:
4. Cleopatra Gump
Eric Roth could end up rewriting the Angelina Jolie-led “Cleopatra,” which means it will probably do as “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” did and just play like a redo of “Forrest Gump.” Run, Cleo, run, far away from this repetitive plotter!
5. What if “Mrs. Doubtfire” happened in real life?
You should be reading Joe Piccirillo’s Movies.com column, “Fiction vs. Reality,” on a regular basis, but I wanted to spotlight the latest because it deals with a movie I’ve never ever been able to accept as plausible at all. And I’ve had a special issue with “Mrs. Doubtfire” going on twenty years now: how do we accept that Robin Williams had to sit in a makeup chair for hours and hours each day for the role, yet his character does not? It’s one of those things where seeing the “making of” really spoiled the whole thing for me. At least it inspired a great running gag on “Arrested Development,” which showed just how ridiculous an idea the movie’s plot is. Also, I hope this makes things up to the woman who was disappointed I didn’t include “Doubtfire” in my list of actors who played women (because Doubtfire is not a real woman).
6. What’s the most dangerous job for movie characters?
Speaking of characters who watched over children, it’s a wonder ‘Mrs. Doubtfire’ wasn’t murdered in the end. Topping a list at ShortList.com of most dangerous movie jobs (in the movies, not for the movies), above mountain climber and cheerleader is babysitter:
For such a poorly-paid gig, on-screen babysitting can be extremely hazardous work. Gory horrors such as Halloween, The House of the Devil and When a Stranger Calls all find innocent teenage child-minders having to contend with blade-wielding psychopaths in order to earn their paltry $6.50 per hour. And there are no prizes for guessing what happens to the babysitter in zany 1991 black comedy Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead. (Spoiler: the babysitter dies).
I guess this is a good place to take a look at the latest red band trailer for “The Sitter”:
7. Stockholm syndrome in the movies
Linked to the recent release of “In Time,” The A.V. Club counts “22 films where women fall in love with their kidnappers,” which might be the only place you’ll ever find “The Sheik,” “The Cannonball Run” and “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” on the same list. I’m now reminded that it’s been too long since I last watched “Buffalo ’66.” From this film’s entry:
Gallo does away with all the Stockholm Syndrome stuff almost immediately by framing Ricci’s wide-eyed, jejune attraction to his frazzled, lanky, lupine character right from the start. The suggestion seems to be, “How could you not be attracted to Vincent Gallo? Or at the very least fascinated by him?” (After all, it’s been established that he’s well-endowed.) This would be nasty, misogynist stuff if Gallo didn’t play it so expertly.
8. Will Joseph Gordon-Levitt Date “Cute Cancer Girl”?
26-year-old Lindsey Miller, who has pancreatic neuroendocrine cancer, is becoming an Internet celebrity today. She posted a video on YouTube asking out actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who she saw portray a cancer patient in “50/50.” Do it, Joe. She can take you for a ride on her scooter…
9. Follow-up: Brad Pitt isn’t retiring anytime soon
No surprise there. He revisted the claim, saying, “I wasn’t putting an exact deadline on my expiration date (as an actor) but I just see it coming and I do have an interest in the producing side.”
10. Should Ricky Gervais host the Golden Globes again?
It’s not as heated a discussion as last week’s Oscar host shuffle, and it could all be a promotional stunt, but there is some debate regarding whether to bring back the roasting Gervais or go with no host at all. I’d like it to be Gervais joined by Louis C.K., Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock. And no awards, just another session of HBO’s “Talking Funny” special.