"The Hunger Games," opening this Friday, is the story of a dystopian future where teenagers, two from each of twelve districts, are forced to fight to the death in a sadistic reality television series (I think it's called "Teen Mom"). Seeing the film at a press screening earlier this week, surrounded by dozens of film critics and journalists — and then getting trapped with them afterwards in a wild, frenzied scrum to retrieve our cell phones — made me wonder: who would win The Hunger Games for film critics?
Granted, the scenario is totally implausible. I mean, c'mon: 24 working film critics from all over North America,? Where are you going to find 24 employed film critics anywhere? Nevertheless, I put the question to Twitter, and Twitter responded with some really hilarious answers. Here are my favorites:
WHO WILL WIN THE FILM CRITIC HUNGER GAMES?
"Manohla Dargis, slinging arrows from highest tower, often with devastating accuracy."
"In an actual fight-to-the-death contest, I suspect not having a human soul would finally come in handy for Jeff Wells."
"Easy. Pauline Kael. Because her slavish minions would fight on her behalf, as they have done for decades."
"Master aggregator David Hudson, who knows all of our strengths and weaknesses."
"[GENE] SHALIT. He can hide weapons in 'stache like Captain Caveman."
"But the key to survival is to get people to like you. (Had the film actually been about that I might have liked it.)"
"Movies like 'Jack & Jill,' 'Bucky Larson,' and 'The Devil Inside.'"
But there was one runaway winner for the title of predicted victor of the 1st Annual Film Critic Hunger Games. One man who no one, critic or cinephile alike, wanted to meet in armed combat:
"Armond White. He waits for everyone to battle it out then makes the victors watch his top 10 of the year."
"Armond White. No one is more grizzled and vicious. Also his surprise back stabbing would put him at the head of the pack."
"Armond White would say something so absurd, such as 'Jonah Hex' > 'True Grit,' that your brain stops working. Then he'd stab you."
So congrats Armond! You may not be the most cantankerous critic in America, but you are apparently the one people who follow me on Twitter consider the most deadly. Which is probably an even more prestigious fake prize.