As 2013 fades into the record books, Vulture takes a moment to remember the movies we won’t miss with its annual worst-of poll. The results have a lot of by-now familiar faces, but the individual ballots are great fun to peruse, especially those with comments, where critics take their parting shots at some of their least-loved. (I know I enjoyed my own kiss-offs to Don Jon and Prisoners.) Here are just a few:
Ali Arikan, RogerEbert.com, Dipnot.tv
Movie 43. It’s not funny; it’s not iconoclastic; it’s not juvenile. Instead, it is a cynical artifice, like a dildo with a Mickey Mouse face at its business end. Come to think of it, Movie 43 could have used a Mickey Mouse dildo or two …
David Fear, Nashville Scene
Epic. Maybe the post–Toy Story animated-movie renaissance has inflated our expectations, and we now expect a certain standard re: storytelling, characterization, sophistication, appealing to young and old, etc. But in a year of mondo crap-animation features (The Croods, Planes, Turbo), no long-form toon felt more like demographic pandering and cynical corporate buck-mongering than this hodgepodge of stock fantasy elements, lame comic relief, celebrity-voice miscasting, and generic moralizing than this Fox joint. Or, for that matter, made you feel so unclean that you needed to take a Silkwood shower afterward.
Ed Gonzales, Slant
Blue Caprice. A superficial depiction of the Beltway sniper attacks, racist in its portentous style and denial of moral complexity.
Michael Koresky, Reverse Shot:
Only God Forgives: Oedipal “themes,” Kubrickian pomposity, and a script that sounds like it was written by your annoying 12-year-old cousin who just started watching R-rated movies. More abject garbage from contemporary cinema’s biggest trash peddler with delusions of grandeur.
Carrie Rickey, CarrieRickey.com
Spring Breakers. My 17-year-old daughter said it best: “Pedophile porn.”
Rene Rodriguez, Miami Herald
Grown Ups 2. Opened with a deer peeing on Adam Sandler and went downhill from there. You know you’re in trouble when Taylor Lautner is the funniest member of an all-star cast of comedians, and he’s only in the movie for five minutes.
Alynda Wheat, People
Frances Ha. Somehow, the irrepressible charm of the least-capable mammal in New York was lost on me. I dig Greta Gerwig, but Frances Ha is little more than an explication of how good it is to be blonde and cute when one lacks talent, focus, maturity, drive, accountability, problem-solving skills and an innate sense of self-preservation.
Vulture’s Worst Movies of 2013
1. A Good Day to Die Hard
2. Grown-Ups 2
3. Movie 43
4. The Big Wedding
5. After Earth
6. The Lone Ranger
7. Only God Forgives
8. Oz the Great and Powerful
9. The Counselor
10. The Internship