Was I the only one watching new lesbian drama THE OSCARS on Sunday night? Seriously, whilst all o’ y’all were looking at the outfits/losing your virginity/menacing the co-worker who predicted “Mr Hublot” I was sitting there agog at all the lady drama! Who says the Oscars are only for gay men? There’s a reason Ellen presented, my friends. She wasn’t there to preside over the distribution of golden men or give out pizza to rich people, she was there to keep all the dyke drama in check. Don’t believe me. You’ll see….
(I should mention in advance last Sunday was the first time I stayed up all night to watch the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Awards. It wasn’t long until I realised it would be the last (unless next year they just leave the camera on Meryl Streep for four hours and then I might consider it). Rather than gnawing off my own hand and trying to feed it to my cats, I turned instead to fantasising. It was the only way not to transmute into a bubbling goop of rage. So Ls and Gs you might have been watching capitalist democracy’s torturously long “Lifetime Achievement Award” but this is what I saw, and in my head, it’s all true. Think of this as a “How I Got Through The Oscars” column. If you were similarly afflicted tell me how you made it through below! Or just tell me how dumb and frivolous I am, I can take it!)
1. J Law and Lupita trump Grammys, Marry on Red Carpet
You’ve all seen the pics of these two play-fighting over the Oscar, but that wasn’t the only wrestling that went on that night (j/k, don’t sue). Seriously, if Cinderella had been accompanied by this exact picture, I would have spent a hella lot more of my youth poring/pawing over fairytales. Always ones for upping the ante JLaw and Lupita were clearly like “Fuck you, Grammys!” and just married the hell out of each other right there on the red carpet. I heard Lupita’s bro even got one of those sketchy internet priest certificates and officiated! Look at that sweet onlooking child. She’s clearly witnessing herself some nuptials! And the entire thing missed by a complacent international press.
2. Ellen swoops in on JL
(photo source: http://www.redditian.com/r/funny/1zo288)
Because, like me, you believe everything you read in the tabloids you’ll know that ELLEN AND PORTIA ARE ON THE ROCKS. Well here’s your proof. Her new g/f for the evening, Glenn Close, clearly went from suspicious to scandalised (get it! Hi Kerry!) in the space of a few flirtatious seconds. Oh, Ellen. Didn’tchahear? JLaw got married to Lupita just a few moments ago!
3. Wait, what? Woah, Cate.
(photo: REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni via http://www.christianpost.com/gallery/lupita-nyongo-cate-blanchett-70080.html)
Damn, Girl, moments ago you were tying it down with Jen and now an Oscar later and you’re cosying up to the winning Australian. “Leave her”, Cate whispered. And from this it looks like Lupita did:
(photo source: http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/news/a555356/lupita-nyongo-jared-leto-celebrate-oscars-in-backstage-academy-portraits.html)
4.) Not too heartbroken to throw stares Taylor’s way, huh, Jen?
(photo source: www.panempropaganda.com/movie-countdown/?currentPage=3)
Tearstained Lawrence, moved by the news that her wifey went down under…
Cue heartbreak song with JLaw’s name encrypted within it in a few months time.
5.) Meanwhile, Lesbians Who Look Like Pharrell Williams sent a rep to the Academy Awards
(photo source: Reuters via http://www.hollywoodtake.com/pharrell-oscars-2014-hat-and-shorts-happy-or-hilarious-watch-adorable-video-performance-famous-37597#)
Does this even exist? It should! It’s hot! I’d totally homepage that.