This week, nearly twenty years after the sequel that nobody wanted, Nikki Finke reported that plans for “Father of the Bride 3” are in the works, with a narrative apparently focused on lead character George Banks’ objection to his son’s engagement to a US Navy Seal. Because how better to use gay people’s stories than as a vehicle for a straight man to rediscover his own tolerance for a third time?
Thankfully, Steve Martin came along and shot the rumors in the foot. Without confirmation or otherwise, it’s hard to know where things stand. But if you were unsure how you felt about Hollywood finally handing us some decent, high-profile LGBT representation by resurrecting a long-dead franchise that mainstream audiences long forgot about, allow us to tell you how we feel.
Queer cinema deserves better. So do LGBT audiences. Whether ‘Father of the Bride 3’ ever happens or not, it’s an all too believable prospect, and could set a worrying trend. If you don’t believe us, then read our crystal ball predictions below, despair, and keep those pink pounds in your pocket!
1. Honey I Turned The Kids
After admitting that the original concept was “franchise-limiting” for only allowing the kids to get bigger or smaller, Disney Studios have a Eureka moment – Rick Moranis’ infamous shrink ray causes a hormonal balance that turns his kids gay! The film is accused of an outdated morality and of monetizing gay panic, but is a hit across middle America.
2. It’s Super Complicated
We had such high hopes for this one! In this cynical and embarrassingly tame sequel, Meryl Streep questions her commitment to Steve Martin when she meets pie-baking supremo Alfre Woodard at a bakery convention. If you thought the croissant-making scene in the original was demographically-targeted wish fulfilment porn, just wait til you see the moment Woodard and Streep make late-night lemon meringue pie. We wish that was a euphemism.
3. You’ve Got Male
Back in the 90s, the idea of a romance starting out over email was cute. But in the 21st century, that is no longer going to cut it. This time round, Tom Hanks resumes email contact with Meg Ryan. Only it’s not Meg Ryan – it’s Hugh Jackman, operating under a fake avatar! The film struggles to find a target audience, but becomes a camp classic in later years.
4.Armageddon 2: Sodom & Gomorrah
Executives were unsure how to cash in on the success of this 1998 hit until they had a brainwave: time travel. In this miserable attempt to mash up the disaster genre with the biblical epic, Bruce Willis goes back to the land of Canaan to save a group of Old Testament homosexuals from near-certain death… but not before a supremely gratuitous “last night on earth” valedictory orgy.
5. The Lord of the Rings: A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Mordor
If you thought Peter Jackson had wrought every possible minute of footage out of Middle Earth, you were wrong. Taking the constant jokes about what really went on between Frodo and Sam during their epic journey to Mordor as an excuse to churn out another 3 hour epic, the narrative is most glaringly padded out with an infamous 42 minute rimming scene which succeeds in disappointing gay and straight audiences alike.
6. Saving Mr Banks 2: Inside Poppins’ Handbag
The original film may have spent a year and a day delving into P.L. Travers’ back story, but some viewers were disappointed it made no mention of her intriguing bisexual past. In this lesbian-pandering sequel, Travers returns to Hollywood to go over some contractual details regarding rights and subsidiaries, with the gripping narrative punctuated by flashbacks to her hot romances with Jessie Orage and Madge Burnand, led by an admirably game Emma Thompson.
7. How to Lose a Gay in 10 Days
If you thought the original film had a ridiculously contrived premise, wait for this highly illogical reboot – Kate Hudson bets her friend that she can’t date a guy without turning him gay… only to bump into queen of the scene fashion designer Matthew McConaughey, whose friends tell him he is so camp, no woman would ever believe he is straight. The concept doesn’t actually make any sense, and nor does the title, but the film takes in over $200 million worldwide.
8. Legally Blonde 3: Proposition 8
In a ham-fisted attempt to make a long-dead franchise relevant, Lucy Liu and Salma Hayek co-star as a politically correct couple hoping to get married in California. The pair’s bitchy exchanges ultimately overshadow Reese Witherspoon’s attempt to resurrect her most popular character, with talks for a spin-off sequel currently underway.
9. Dirty Dancing 3: Leather Bar
Figuring that everyone who loves this film is probably a gay man anyway, executives conceive this awful-sounding musical romp, starring Mark Ruffalo and David Oyelowo as good time boys who like their disco grooves with a dose of crotchless chaps. Following a disastrous release, the film tries to make light of its record-breaking set of Razzie nominations, but ultimately fails at that, too.
10. Ace Ventura: Lesbian Cat Thief
Playing off one of the most tired stereotypes out there, this is truly the sequel nobody asked for. After originally casting Alison Janney as the titular cat thief and Kathy Bates as her scheming girlfriend, Warner Bros got cold feet and recast the roles with Kate Upton and Megan Fox, adding a hastily rewritten scene at a cat shampoo parlor. An infamous box office flop, the concept ultimately only found success in a Funny or Die parody sketch starring Janney and Bates. The sketch is currently unavailable for legal reasons.