Review: ‘True Blood’ Season 7, Episode 7, ‘May Be The Last Time’: Oh, If Only That Were True

Review: 'True Blood' Season 7, Episode 7, 'May Be The Last Time': Oh, If Only That Were True

Guys, everyone can relax! "True Blood"’s greatest mystery has been solved. We finally know how Bill met his wife. You know, Bill’s wife? The one who died in the 19th century and whose name I can never remember because WHY WOULD I??? Anyway, her name is Caroline. I know this now, thanks to this episode’s remarkably unnecessary flashbacks. Do the "True Blood" writers know that they don’t have to fill the whole hour? There were plenty of episodes of "Deadwood" that only ran to the 50-minute mark. Do they think HBO will charge them some sort of tax if they don’t hit the 60 minutes by any (boring) means possible?

If there’s a running theme in this episode, it’s that everyone is Bon Temps is miserable. I guess they’ve reached their breaking point in having endless traumas heaped upon them by unseen puppet masters/showrunners: Sam is seriously considering leaving town, and Arlene confesses that she’s only pretending to be happy. Andy admits he feels powerless to protect his family, which fair enough, considering they are in constant danger. Everyone in Bon Temps should probably follow Nicole’s lead and get the hell out of Dodge.

READ MORE: Review: ‘True Blood’ Season 7, Episode 6, ‘Karma’ Takes the Fast Lane to Boring Town

VAMPIRE KEITH WATCH: Arlene finally has an erotic Keith dream! Can I just take a minute to say what a good performance Carrie Preston has given as Arlene all these years? This is a character who has often been unlikeable, yet Preston has really gotten me invested in her happiness. Anyway, Keith eventually arrives at Bellefleur’s for real, is totally understanding about Arlene’s Hep V positive status, and sweetly slow-dances with her. Vampire Keith is a good dude, despite his tendency to wear sleeveless jean jackets.

Violet spirits Adilyn and Wade to her actual sex dungeon, so that the happy couple can make use of all of Violet’s sex toys. Surprisingly, this leads to a pretty cute scene, as Adilyn reads Wade’s mind to find that he’s as disinterested in all the marital aids as she is. They giggle nervously and Wade admits he’s a virgin. It’s all very sweet, and reminded me a bit of Jessica and Hoyt’s consummation way back in season 2 (the show’s best season!). It all goes pear-shaped when the sun goes down, as Violet shows up to murder them in a ridiculously ugly dress — it’s Jessica to the rescue, presumably next episode.

Speaking of Hoyt, he’s back in town with his hot Alaskan girlfriend, Brigette, in tow. He still doesn’t remember Jason, but Jason immediately gets a boner for Brigette, and OH MAN am I invested in Jason and Brigette having sex. C’mon, imagine how hilarious that would be! "I mind-wiped my best friend so he’d forget I banged his girlfriend, but then I banged his next girlfriend as soon as they came back to town." That would be CLASSIC Jason Stackhouse. This is the sort of stupid/genius "True Blood" idea I can get behind.

Over in Pam and Eric Land, Sarah’s sister admits Sarah is the Hep V cure right before Eric kills her for no reason, eliminating their one lead. It’s cool, though, because now that Yakamoto knows Sarah is the antidote, he plans to synthesize her blood into a new curative, NuBlood, and he wants Eric to be the new product’s spokesperson. Please, "True Blood," allow Eric to live long enough to film his first commercial spot for NuBlood. Do me this solid and I will forgive you… well, not everything, but a lot.

Yakamoto is able to find Sarah, thanks to satelites. Wait, what? Look, I’m as concerned about our surveillance state as anyone (ok, probably not as much as Glenn Greenwald), but I don’t think you can just type "Sarah Newlin" into a computer and have a satellite immediately spot her.  Regardless, Sarah spends the episode yelling at hallucinations of her past lovers, including shirtless Jason (you’re welcome, ladies) and her old husband Steve, because this is Cameo Season, dammit. Why is Sarah hallucinating? As the great philosopher Master Shake once said, "Why is anything ANYTHING?" Let’s just go with "She’s crazy."

Sookie and Jessica spend the episode fretting about Bill’s rapid illness. "Why is it happening so fast?" asks Sookie. "Because we’re already on Episode 7 and we need some dramatic stakes," Bill does not reply, sadly. Sookie gets so desperate she pleads for Rutger Hauer to appear, and he does, just to tell Sookie that Bill is all wrong for her. You’re preaching to the choir, buddy.

Rutger Hauer gives his own version of the "theromdynamic miracle" speech from "Watchmen" and tells Sookie to forgive herself. Somehow this convinces Sookie to burst into Bill’s house and have distinctly unerotic sex with him in front of a fire.

I’m honestly surprised they pulled the trigger on the Sookie/Bill romance so soon, since that’s really the only major card the writers had left to play. Now I’m not sure what anyone could still be looking forward to, other than the inevitable "everyone gets cured of Hep V" plot point. Maybe the disenchanted citizens of Bon Temps will burn the town to the ground and salt the earth! A man can dream.

GRADE: C-

Jeff Stone loves cartoons, wrestling and hour-long prestige cable dramas. You can follow him on Twitter @WheelbearGo.

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Comments

mvg

jeff stone, these reviews make me so happy. finally catching up on True Blood and laughing my butt off at your thoughts.

CJ

Butt hurt that characters aren’t carbon copies of your favorite book series heroes and heroettes? Bill didn’t more or less disappear after the first few books and Sookie isn’t going to be with Sam. The show stopped being anything remotely like the book after the first season. Book Bill is not T.V. Bill. Get over it. And before you act like the mongrel you are and accuse me of being Billusional,I don’t much care for either version. I just can’t stand blind ignorance and insult lobbing jackasses even more.

LW

Junie, I simply ignore the ‘advice’ of brainless Billusionals like yourself. And I suggest that you remove the Bill goggles and face the reality that Bill Compton is, was and shall always be an abusive jerk. It is truly pathetic that there are actually women like you with so little self respect and no respect for other women that you would openly advocate for domestic abusers like Bill Compton, fictional or otherwise. What a wonderful epitaph for a show which has become an ode to domestic violence against women and condoned by a hack writer/show runner and a pair of talentless hack actors.

June

If you watch again the scene with Niall and Sookie, there’s a hint to what is going to happen. The flashback was necessary, as well as the sex scene. Put it together, folks, "…miracle…" "…..miraculous….." Hmmm.

KJ

Oh…hey Bill, it’s me Sookie. I want to apologize for the suckie, oops pardon the pun, writing this season. I just don’t understand why the writers expected me to just show up on your doorstep ready to have sex at the drop of a fang…I guess I am pretty much a slut now, with the way I got down to business so quickly with Warlow, and throwing myself at Sam, and then Alcide, and now, with him newly dead and all, well…I guess I have no morals, thanks to those writers! They seem to be hell bent on turning me into something that I was so refreshingly not when the series started and everyone fell in love with me. Well, anyway, just thought you deserved an apology since you were spending all that time thinking about your TRUE love, your first wife, and not me, and then ..there I was all dewy and ready at your doorstep…gosh, it must have been hard to switch gears like that. Love, Sook

Junie

Oh, calm down! It’s a tv show. Bill and Sookie have been and are the core of the show. He is a vampire, remember. Vampires behave differently than humans.

LW

What happened? The bloody boring Bill Compton show is what happened. Because Buckner has become an apologist for domestic abuse with this rank and disgraceful misogynistic garbage. Sookie deserves better than the abusive lying douchebag Compton. That loser should have been staked long ago. True Blood really is True Suck. Moyer and Paquin and Buckner should enjoy obscurity once this turgid mess of a show is put to death. They will all so richly deserve it for being complicit in destroying what once had such potential.

Thaís Andrade

Oh man, it’s so good to see someone else feeling the same way, the reviews here are right on target.
What happened to this show to get so damn boring?!

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