“One thing that makes me hopeful is we know from interviews he’s given over the years that he has, at any given point, held every position on every issue,” Meyers said. “He’s been pro-choice, pro-life, for the Iraq War, against the Iraq War, pretty much his only consistent position has been anti-Rosie O’Donnell. So I’m hopeful that he’s not actually a racist, and that he just used racist rhetoric to court voters. Because when you’re courting someone, you’re always willing to pretend you’re something you’re not. For example, when you first start dating someone, you’ll agree to go apple picking.”
Watch Meyers’ monologue about Trump below:
— Late Night (@LateNightSeth) November 10, 2016
And here’s the full transcript:
Well that was a real grab in the pussy. And I’m sorry to use foul language like that, but last I checked, the Electoral College seems to be fine with it. You know, we’ve been talking about Donald Trump on this show for 18 months, and one of the things I’ve tried to make clear over those 18 months is how I’ve been wrong about him at every turn. When he first came down the escalator at Trump Tower and announced, I boldly said it was a stunt and he would never really run. I then said he would never win the GOP nomination. And I certainly didn’t think he would be our next President. But the good news is, based on this pattern of me being wrong on every one of my Donald Trump predictions, he’s probably going to be a great fucking President.
So let’s just hope this trajectory holds. Anyway, last night my wife and I went to watch the election returns at a friend’s house. And before we left, we put our 8-month-old son to bed and I said to him, “When you wake up tomorrow morning we might have our first female president.” And then when we came home, around midnight, I went into his room, shook his crib until he woke up and screamed, “We have to get out of here!” And then my wife pointed out that wasn’t productive, and she was right. So, I recalibrated and told him for the first time in our history our president would be a steak salesman. And that seemed to calm him down. Then we got into bed and our dog Frisbee, who is an Italian Greyhound, jumped into bed with us.
And usually she provides great comfort to us, but last night she was skittish because being Italian, she doesn’t know if she gets to stay. So we calmed her down too. But I will say, this morning, I realized an eight-month-old was the perfect age child to have, because while we were sitting at the kitchen table solemnly talking about what all of this meant, he was just happily going to town on a pear. We’re discussing the future of the Supreme Court, and he’s just smiling and eating that pear. “I don’t know what you guys are talking about, but I’m with pear.” But with that said, I do feel for the parents who had to explain this to their kids this morning, especially parents with daughters. Because a lot of them, like me, probably thought Hillary would be our first woman president, but she won’t be.
But that does mean that someone’s daughter is out there, right now, who will one day have that title. Maybe you’re a woman who’s currently a senator. Maybe you’re still in college. Hopefully you’re not a toddler, but who knows, with the way things went last night, who knows. The fact is we don’t know who you are, but I imagine this moment today will be a defining one for you. One that will make you work harder and strive farther and whoever you are, I hope I live to see your inauguration. And I hope my mom does too. And, good news to our first woman president, whoever you are, wherever you are; you may have been rooting for Hillary, but now you can still be the first female president. And first is so much better than second. That is the difference between George Washington and John Adams.
You either end up on money or Paul Giamatti plays you in a movie. I felt a lot of emotions last night and into today; some sadness, some anger, some fear. But I’m also aware that those are the same emotions a lot of Trump supporters felt; emotions that led them to make their choice. And it would be wrong for me to think my emotions are somehow more authentic than their emotions. We’re always better as a society when we have empathy for one another, so I would just say to those Trump voters, congratulations. I sincerely hope he addresses your concerns. I sincerely hope that if you’ve felt forgotten, he won’t forget you now. As a white man, I also know that any emotions that I’m feeling are likely a fraction of those being felt by the LGBTQ community, African-Americans, Hispanic Americans, Muslim Americans, and any number of the immigrant communities so vital to our country.
Hopefully the Trump administration will be compassionate to them. And, in general, I am hopeful for President Trump, because hope is always the best possible path to take. And one thing that makes me hopeful is we know from interviews he’s given over the years that he has, at any given point, held every position on every issue. He’s been pro-choice, pro-life, for the Iraq War, against the Iraq War, pretty much his only consistent position has been anti-Rosie O’Donnell. So I’m hopeful that he’s not actually a racist, and that he just used racist rhetoric to court voters. Because when you’re courting someone, you’re always willing to pretend you’re something you’re not. For example, when you first start dating someone, you’ll agree to go apple picking.
You’ll take cute pictures and maybe when you get home you’ll bake a pie together. But once you’re officially a couple, you’re not going apple picking anymore. And when they ask you why, you say, “Because I hate apple picking. I was just pretending I liked it to trick you.” And, let me make it clear, I in no way am trying to say that racism is as bad as apple picking. But again, I can’t stress how wrong I’ve been about the Trump campaign. Just to give you a sense of how wrong, this past June, when Trump was behind in the polls, we made him an offer that if he dropped out, NBC would give him a 13 episode show where he could play a fictional president. Now because the show was on NBC, it would be called “Chicago President.”
And we thought he’d jump at the opportunity because we thought he might not actually want to be president. Well, after last night’s results, I just want to say to Donald Trump…Our offer still stands. C’mon, you didn’t think you were going to win this thing either, and I’m guessing that right now you are spinning out. You’re probably looking at a map of the United States and thinking, “Wait, how long does this wall have to be???” And I can’t imagine the people you had to call this morning to say, “Hey, I guess Trump TV is on hold for now. Why? Because I have to be the president.” Not to mention the fact that you’re going to have to give Rudy Giuliani a job and then hang out with him, and I don’t have to tell you, he is batshit crazy. Just tell people you have health issues. Because for the last year, we’ve only seen you eating out of bowls and buckets.
So, we are upping our offer to a 22 episode order, and we’re giving you the coveted 10PM Monday slot which means you’ll be on right after “The Voice.” And this offer stands until Inauguration Day. Think about it. Now, if you were a Hillary supporter, last night was rough but there were a few good pieces of news. Tammy Duckworth, an Asian American war hero was elected to the Senate in Illinois. In Minnesota, former refugee Ilhan Omar became the first Somali American lawmaker in history. And in California they legalized recreational weed. And not a minute too soon! Plus, legalizing recreational weed in California immediately cured everyone in the state of their Glaucoma. Democracy is a fantastic thing even when it doesn’t go your way. It gives everyone in America a voice, and those voices spoke last night. So I want to say to President-Elect Trump, “Congratulations.” To Melania and the new first family, “Congratulations.” And to Vladmir Putin and everyone in Russia, “Pozdravleniya.”
In closing, Donald Trump made a lot of promises as to what he’s going to do in the next four years, and now we get to see if he can fulfill them. And so, I’d just like to make one promise to him. We here at “Late Night” will be watching.