John Waters Tells Outfest Opening Night To 'ACT BAD'

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• Bruce Spencer | July 14, 2012 10:27 PMReply

  SAVE OUR SYRIA
  (SOS)
  
  FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE (July 13, 2012)
  
  Timothy Kessler, a recent resident of Washington, DC , has announced he is hiring a private army to end the genocide in Syria by capturing President Bashar al-Assad and taking him to The Hague for trial. There he will be tried for the slaughter of thousands of innocent men, women and children.
  He said, “Hopefully, this monster will be given a swift trial and then hanged. His unspeakable and reprehensible misdeeds must be stopped now. While the shelling and suffering are watched by millions on television, the impotent United Nations does nothing but engage in mindless babel. I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any longer!”
  Mr. Kessler had put out a discreet call to veterans from the Gulf, Iraq and Afghanistan Wars to join his crusade. They will serve as mercenaries and he is also footing the bill for transportation, food, housing, weapons and ammunition. He is not willing to reveal where this Special Forces Unit will train, nor how or when they will strike. His commander is a decorated retired Brigadier General.
  Kessler’s German background includes a grandfather who served in World War II with Col. Otto Skorzeny, until he defected to join the French Underground. His diary reveals the intimate details for Skorzeny’s capture of Benito Mussolini.
  “I can only say,” he continued, “that for the past six weeks I’ve had confidential meetings with former Navy Seals, Green Berets and CIA operatives. We have developed a secret attack strategy along with an exit plan for the highly skilled brave soldiers and sailors . They are willing to put their lives on the line, as will loyal Syrian rebels helping us launch this covert operation.”
  Mr. Kessler admits he will face some chagrin from the White House and Pentagon for revealing his intentions. But he adds, “These are times when decent citizens have to take action. Otherwise we are all guilty of malfeasance and obstruction of justice, standing by as thousands are dying from bullets, bombs and deprivation in Syria.”
  Although this Special Forces Unit has already reached its full complement of volunteers, applications for substitutes will be accepted on a website presently under construction.