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by Peter Knegt and Matthew Hammett Knott
November 27, 2013 10:19 AM
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Oscar Bitchfest: 10 Things We'd Be Thankful For This Awards Season

Emma Thompson in "Saving Mr. Banks"

Oprah steps up to the Best Actress category
Knott: Now we’re getting somewhere. But since you’ve ruled out my Best Picture win for “The Butler”, I’m going to have to get rowdy elsewhere. Oprah’s role in that film (I promise I’m not their publicist!) is easily substantial enough to run as lead, and she’d be the oldest black actress ever nominated in that category. The oldest currently is Viola Davis, aged 46, which highlights the shocking lack of leading roles for African American women in their fifties and beyond. And who better to make the point than Oprah? As it stands, all these white former winners are congregating nicely, polishing their Oscars and making room on the mantelpiece for another, and I just feel Winfrey needs to knock on the door and be like "Hey bitches, it's Oprah. Remember that time I wore an afro wig and flirted with Terrence Howard and took the piss out of Jackie Kennedy? Yeah, well now I want an Oscar." And Streep and Dench and Blanchett are like "Get back down to Supporting, it’s where we all started." But Oprah’s like “That Supporting trophy is going to Lupita." So Emma Thompson heroically volunteers to come back next year and try her luck in the screenwriting categories with the "Annie" remake.

Only Jay-Z and Beyonce are nominated in the best original song category
Knegt: That would be such an Emma Thompson thing to do.  But speaking of musicals and of Jay-Z (who is producing that "Annie" remake), how about we shake up the best original song category too. Sure, it was sorta fun last year to have Adele win for a song we'd actually heard of. But this year it seems almost certain to go to that song from "Frozen" that you'll probably only hear one time in your life (when it's sung at the ceremony). So let's just stop even taking this category seriously and use it to give Oscar night some much needed drama between real-life lovers. Remember how fun it was when ex-spouses Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron were competing against each other for best director? Well, let's up that ante and have two people that are still married compete for the prize. Jay-Z and his beloved Beyonce both have eligible original songs this year (his from "The Great Gatsby," hers from that animated movie about weird leaf people). So let's see how crazy in love they really are when one beats the other.

The best supporting actress category gets a reboot
Knott: I’d watch. And since that guarantees an African-American winner, I don’t feel so bad about dismantling the Best Supporting Actress race, which is currently looking at three black nominees for the first time in history with Oprah Winfrey, Lupita Nyong’o and Octavia Spencer in contention alongside fellow frontrunners Margo Martindale and June Squibb. As seen above, I’ve promoted Oprah, which makes Lupita the guaranteed winner. But if the others are going to be also-rans, they may as well be interesting ones. Squibb needs to forget about winning anything for that dreadful Alexander Payne film and settle for an Emmy next year for whatever Lena Dunham has cooked up for her in Season 3 of "Girls." Let's keep Octavia Emmy-fresh for "Murder She Wrote" while we're at it. And sorry Margo, but we need to halt the terrifying trend of rewarding turgid stage adaptations in any form. Who to replace them? Obviously Scarlett Johansson’s voice work in "Her," for novelty factor alone. Then we need someone who's committing outrageous category fraud for the sake of a nomination, for which I suggest Paulina Garcia and her appearance in every single scene of "Gloria." Next, someone phenomenally random and undeserving, in keeping with tradition - I’m prepared to campaign for Quvenzhané Wallis in "12 Years a Slave," because I genuinely didn’t notice her appearance in that film. And finally, someone who's only there so we can see what she wears on the red carpet - with the only obvious choice being "Enough Said"'s Tavi Gevinson.

Is this our best supporting actor winner?

Best supporting actor goes to the monkey in "The Wolf of Wall Street"
Knegt: I'll take your reboot and raise it, Matt.  Let's not stop at a voice or a cameo.  Let's shake up the other supporting acting race and just give it to that monkey from "The Wolf of Wall Street." I haven't seen the film and given its running time probably never will, but that monkey looks hilarious in the trailer. Granted, I also don't even know if that monkey is male or female. Though even better if she's female.  Gender bending roles are so hot right now. Ask Jared Leto. All he had to do was walk in heels and put on some makeup and he's getting an Oscar nomination.

Ellen opens with hilarious musical number "We saw your Cocks"
Knott: Speaking of hilarious, here’s a foolproof plan for Ellen. I’m not advocating an eye-for-an-eye approach to feminism. I want Ellen’s phallocentric retort to be a furious satire on Seth MacFarlane’s song from last year, which topped its own general inappropriateness by making light of nudity in scenes of rape and assault among others. Consequently, I invite Ellen to compile every instance where male full frontals have been necessary features of say, a scene of torture or brutality, and jauntily remind us of each one while the A-list audience squirm in their seats. For example, I distinctly recall catching a glimpse of Michael Fassbender's testicles as he is dragged screaming through the prison in "Hunger," and I'm fondly chuckling to myself as I do. Go for it, Ellen! And if you don’t have the balls, Kate McKinnon can do it as an Ellen impression on SNL, and we won’t need to watch the Oscars at all.

Peter Knegt is Indiewire's Senior Writer and awards columnist. Follow him on Twitter.

Matthew Hammett Knott is a London-based filmmaker and writer who writes Indiewire's bi-weekly Heroines of Cinema column. Follow him on Twitter.

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  • Doah Lynd | November 28, 2013 3:31 PMReply

    I have to add one more personal one here.
    In a segment they call "We got it all wrong back then" we are presented with a montage of clips that acknowledge some horrible Academy decisions in the past. The first clip shows a powerful scene from Saving Private Ryan, and then shows "And the Best Picture goes to Shakespeare in Love" moment. I could give you a dozen more moments, but you get the theme here. However, here's the best part, at the end of the clip reel, Bruce Springsteen walks out and performs "The Wrestler" live!

  • June | December 2, 2013 4:59 PM

    And flashback to 2006, "...and the Best Picture goes to, anything but Crash".

  • Doah Lynd | November 28, 2013 3:10 PMReply

    Love this Peter and Matthew! I enjoyed it and relate. Here's one from me:

    The pundits get most of their predictions wrong and the acting nominations are filled with surprises that nobody called.
    Among those nobody saw coming are Ty Sheridan for Mud and Nick Offerman in The Kings of Summer, both in the Supporting Actor category. Allison Janney grabs a nomination for The Way Way Back for a supporting role. In the lead acting categories both Genevieve Bujold and James Cromwell are nominated for Still Mine. Everyone is left scratching their heads.

  • FP | November 28, 2013 1:49 PMReply

    I guess the cheeks in the tongue-in-cheek aspect of this waste of a read are butt cheeks because it's just coming out of both your asses. Must have been a slow day in crack-smoking Toronto.

  • bob hawk | November 28, 2013 1:11 AMReply

    This bitch fest was a lot of fun, with tongues kept firmly in cheeks. But, to be serious for a minute, Oprah has tons of screen time in L.D.'s BUTLER, and is in no way supporting. Terrence Howard is HER supporting bitch, bitches.

  • June | November 27, 2013 3:45 PMReply

    I tend to take award season waaaay to seriously, so I love reading your bitchfest posts. Thanks, guys! Let's give James Franco an Oscar for Spring Breakers, as long as we're pretending.

  • Paula Merkell | November 27, 2013 1:50 PMReply

    This, on repeat:

    "It gives a lot of time to both sides of the great 20th century black dilemma of whether to assimilate or dissent. But its conclusion is clearly in favor of the latter, which sends a quiet message to its audience that although deferring to authority has its benefits, nothing really happens until you get rowdy. That’s nothing to be sniffed at, especially when you consider the risible racial insight of films like "Crash.""

  • SEL | November 27, 2013 2:31 PM

    and this: How many times have you been on a boat? Seriously? I woke up on a gay cruise once but that's about it. But here we are again, with "All Is Lost" and "Captain Phillips" both in contention and the boating demographic totally overrepresented. Didn't they feel satisfied enough when "Titanic" swept? Or when "Life of Pi" won best director last year? No, they had to get greedy. And at whose expense? Ask the people behind "Rush." They were all but a sure thing for about 18 seconds back in September, and now yet again there will be no car-driven films being represented at the Oscars.

  • tvdinner | November 27, 2013 1:54 PM

    mixed with this. lol. "And if you make people gather round to watch you wank into a cup for two hours, they will probably applaud at the end, but more through obligation than desire."

  • David Glassman | November 27, 2013 10:41 AMReply

    Can we call a moratorium on film critics and film writers complaining about long-ish movies please I beg you?

  • Peter Knegt | November 27, 2013 10:44 AM

    It's a joke making fun of that very thing, David.

  • James | November 27, 2013 10:34 AMReply

    This is the funniest thing (intentionally, at least) that Indiewire has ever posted.

  • SEL | November 27, 2013 2:03 PM