8:36 PST: Best Picture - "The Artist." It pains to me say for the second consecutive year, but #worstoscarsever. Good night, all.
8:32 PST: Tom Cruise takes the stage to put us all out of our misery.
8:22 PST: Colin Firth gives the best actress Oscar to...MERYL STREEP. Her first Oscar since 1982. The only shocking moment of the night. And she delivers a classic Meryl speech.
8:19 PST: Two to go. Probably my best predictions ever (likely 21/24). Sadly, also the worst Oscars ever.
8:16 PST: "I love your country!" - Jean Dujardin
8:10 PST: Natalie Portman gives best actor Oscar to.... Jean Dujardin, "The Artist." I would have won $4,000 in online gambling if Pitt somehow won. Goodbye, dreams of no credit card debt.
8:08 PST: Gabourey Sidibe, the sole representation of non-white America.
8:00 PST: In Memoriam, from Elizabeth Taylor to Bingham Ray to Whitney Houston to Sidney Lumet to Peter Falk... Very sad year.
7:56 PST: Honorary Oscar recap/bathroom break.
7:54 PST: Hazanavicius is expectedly charming. Thanks Uggie.
7:53 PST: zzzzzzzz... Best Director - Michel Hazanavicius, "The Artist"
7:51 PST: FOUR TO GO. Michael Douglas takes stage to present best director...
7:45 PST: Best Animated Short - "The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore"
7:44 PST: Yes, https://twitter.com/angiesrightleg has already been created.
7:43 PST: Best Documentary Short - "Saving Face"
7:42 PST: Scorsese!
7:40 PST: Adorable father/daughter win. Best Live Action Short: The Shore – Terry George and Oorlagh George
7:37 PST: And now begins the best part of the Oscars: The cast of "Bridesmaids" present the short film awards!
7:31 PST: Damn, that score from "Beginners" melts me every time.
7:29 PST: Best Original Screenplay - Woody Allen, "Midnight in Paris" His first win in 24 years.
7:27 PST: Bret from "Flight of the Conchords" followed by the Dean from "Community'! Aka, Best Adapted Screenplay - The Descendants – Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, and Jim Rash
7:25 PST: Angelina Jolie's legs steal it all.
7: 21 PST: FYI: "Hugo" has now won more Oscars than "Raging Bull," "Taxi Driver" and "Goodfellas" combined.
7:18 PST: Bret McKenzie! "Flight of the Conchords" star wins Best Original Song for "Man or Muppet."
7:16 PST: Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell bring down the house with a hilariously bizarre little sketch as they present the 2 nominee-wide best original song award.
7:13 PST: The reign begins? Best Original Score - "The Artist"
7:10 PST: Penelope Cruz and Owen Wilson take the stage for best original score...
7:00 PST: Best Supporting Actor - Christopher Plummer. Expected, but glorious. Oldest acting winner ever, first Canadian male actor to ever win. Sorry, Ryan Gosling.
6:59 EST: At 82, Christopher Plummer looks roughly 2 decades younger than Nick Nolte.
6:57 PST: Wow, they let Melissa Leo back. Here comes Christopher Plummer!
6:52 PST: Emma Stone and Ben Stiller presenting best visual effects... Stone kills it and joins Chris Rock as one of the few people who haven't embarassed themselves tonight.
6:47 PST: Best Animated Feature: "Rango"
6:44 PST: Clearly, Chirs Rock didn't use whoever was writing Billy Crystal's jokes, giving the night a much needed dose of actual funny as he presents best animated feature...
6:42 PST: Best Documentary Feature - "Undefeated"
6:40 PST: Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow make a half-funny entrance spoofing celebrity documentary before presenting the award for best doc feature (perhap the least sewn up award of the night).
6:35 PST: The three words I fear the most at any awards show: Cirque du Soleil
6:33 PST: Kermit and Miss Piggy take the stage, also making it clear they'd be better hosts.
6:27 PST: Fey and Cooper get a third one. Best Sound Mixing - "Hugo," again. That's "Hugo" 4, "The Artist" 1 for those counting. Not a big fan of either, but at least we have hope for some excitement ahead? Minimal, slight hope..
6:24 PST: On to the next... Best Sound Editing - "Hugo" makes it a hat trick.
6:22 PST: Best Film Editing - Shit, a full on surprise! Angus Wall and Kirk Baxter make it two years in a row for "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo."
6:20 PST: Tina Fey and Bradley Cooper take the stage to present best film editing.
6:19 PST: A sketch featuring Fred Willard, Bob Balaban, Eugene Levy, Christopher Guest and Catherine O'Hara! Finally, Oscar 2012 has a high point. Collective hosts, nest year, svp.
6:13 PST: Octavia Spencer is expectedly adorable, even if she can't quite deliver a coherent speech.
6:12 PST: Best Supporting Actress - Octavia Spencer, "The Help"
6:10 PST: Christian Bale onstage to assumingly give Octavia Spencer an Oscar.
6:09 PST: "A Separation" director Asghar Farhadi keeps the politics subtle in an effective little speech.
6:08 PST: Best Foreign Language Film: "A Separation" deservedly brings us no surprises.
6:05 PST: Sandra Bullock takes the stage and explains to us the foreign language film category in German.
6:01 PST: No. More. Montages. What's the point og this one? Explaining that going to movies has been inspiring for some rich white people?
6:00 PST: Fun fact: J. Roy Helland has been Meryl's personal makeup artist for 37 years.
5:59 PST: Best Makeup: "The Iron Lady"
5:58 PST: And now Lopez and Diaz get to present best makeup. How... Ladylike?
5:56 PST: Best Costume Design: "The Arist" begins its potential sweep.
5:54 PST: Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz take the stage to present best costume design.
5:53 PST: Nice showing "When Harry Met Sally" at the end of the montage to remind us Billy Crystal once worked.
5:51 PST: "Forrest Gump," "Titanic" and "Twilight" lead off the first of assumingly many pointless montages.
5:47 PST: "This is for Martin, and Italy" - Francesca Lo Schiavo, art director of "Hugo."
5:46 PST: Best Art Direction: 2 for 2. "Hugo."
5:44 PST: Tom Hanks is just shooting them out... Best Art Direction next.
5:42 PST: Best Cinematography: "Hugo" upsets "The Artist" and "The Tree of Life"
5:42 PST: Tom Hanks on stage to present, looking old and making it once again feel like its 1995.
5:40 PST: Is it too late to go find Eddie Murphy? Or, god, James Franco?
5:38 PST: And now he's singing and dancing. Some (all?) things never change.
5:37 PST: First great line oft he night: "Were here at the Chapter 11 theater."
5:36 PST: Crystal takes the stage in human form, impressively declaring this his 9th time as host...
5:34 PST: The montage is essentially a rehash of what he's done a bunch of times before - except considerably less funny.
5:32 PST: Oh no, a Justin Bieber cameo.
5:30 PST: Morgan Freeman takes the stage to kick things off... Introducing a parody montage -- yawn -- featuring Billy Crystal inserted into various films from 2011.
5:28 PST: The show is about to begin, and for the next 3-5 hours, Indiewire will be bringing you a minute by minute (ish) rundown of this year's Oscars.