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Talkin’ Crash

Talkin' Crash

“The reason we believe we have a great chance of actually winning the best picture Oscar is because people are passionate about the movie,” said Tom Ortenberg, president of Lions Gate Films, which released Crash. “With all due respect to the other best-picture nominees, all of which are terrific and of great merit, there’s a sense that people admire and respect the other nominees, but they are passionate about Crash.”

As I can best remember them, here are quotes from the possible Best Picture–winning Crash, which could end up giving American Beauty a run for its money for most quotably awful Oscar winner of the past decade.

“It’s a good cloak, daddy.” (Angelic little HISPANIC girl, after jumping in front of her father to shield him with her invisible cloak from the bullet of the PERSIAN shopkeeper who came to kill him because he didn’t fix his door well enough)

“Mom, I can’t talk right now, I’m having sex with a white woman!” (Don Cheadle, a BLACK, who is screwing Jennifer Esposito, who in the film is actually a LATINA, from Puerto Rico, when interrupted by a phone call from his, presumably BLACK, mother)

“You’re the best friend I’ve got!” (Miss Daisy, old JEW broad to her NEGRO cab driver, Hoak…er, uh WHITE rich bitch Sandra Bullock to her GUATEMALAN (?) housemaid)

“Shaniqua. Big fucking surprise that is!” (WHITE CRACKER cop Matt Dillon to Loretta Devine’s BLACK social worker Shaniqua, upon finding out that her name is Shaniqua, which is usually of a name used by those who are darker)

“I am angry all the time… and I don’t know why!” (WHITE rich bitch Bullock coming clean about her soul-crushing unhappiness)

“I can’t believe I just pulled you from a burning car wreck the day after I illegally put my hand on your stank cooch. Isn’t it ironic?” (CRACKER cop to reassuringly hot BLACK woman)

I let the words speak for themselves.

(Instead of giving Crash any more face time, I’ve included a pic from some upcoming teen movie about a mermaid. Sweet.)

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