By Karina Longworth
Video game blogs have a way of reminding me that I’m a big girl. The boys at Joystiq (some of whom are former colleagues and friendly acquaintances of mine) drop terms like “microtransactions” and “exergaming” and suddenly my brain turns off and I have an overwhelming urge to watch “Tyra.” Funnily enough, I picked up the former term (which still means nothing to me) from reading this story about a perspective game that would ostensibly be tailored to the girly market. Yes, apparently “Juno,” the little indie choo-choo train that could, the crossover underdog that scraped up $100 million
thanks to a cleverly oppressive marketing campaign on pure pluck alone, is in the process of being turned into a video game.
We could speculate for hours as to what this game might actually look like (you get a jug of Sunny Delight every time you get Michael Cera to wear a blueberry condom!), but I thought it would be more fun to think about what it would be like if actual indie films were to have their brands extended into the gamer realm. Bearing in mind that my knowledge of video games pretty much begins and ends with “Mario Kart,” check out five ideas, for films including “Gummo” and “Mutual Appreciation,” after the jump.
Who wouldn’t jump at the chance to actually be inside the film Janet Maslin said was unmatchable in its “sourness, cynicism and pretension”? In this first-person shooter, you’ll traverse tornado-ravaged Xenia, OH, hunting cats to a soundtrack of wall-to-wall Norweigan black metal. You’ll exchange your bounty for goods and services: a slice of bacon to hang on the bathtub wall, an evening with the finest mentally-disabled prostitute in town. But watch out for the Bunny Boy––every time you let him cross your path, you lose ten points.
A multi-player online role-playing game, just like “World of Warcraft,” but instead of being a Druid, Priest or Palladin, you can be a Prank Caller, a Pedophile, or any number of Insecure Women. Because true, lasting happiness can never be achieved, no one can ever win and the game goes on forever. It’ll be huge!
Your standard fighting game, except in order to move ahead between battles, you have to record stilted, improvised video blogs about the nature of truth.
4. “Mutual Appreciation”
Think Guitar Hero meets The Legend of Zelda. After every performance, instead of moving on to the next song, you have to wander around Brooklyn, battling your way through awkward encounters with girls and weird older dudes who are friends of your parents. Instead of a boomerang, you stun girls and enemies (well, mostly just girls) with imprecise language and inscrutable passivity. This one may do better on the European market.
5. “The Brown Bunny”
It’s just like Excitebike. Except, you’re the only one on the road, and when you finish the race, instead of a trophy you get a an absurdly long blow job from your dead girlfriend. An improvement on all fronts, right?