Ten Reasons to Not Mess with the Zohan while Kicking Angelina off the Hood
Zohan just wanted a taste of Angelina’s Fizzy Bubblech, but the Loom of Fate had a different idea…
1) Wanted is about a pathetic asshole (yawn) who “grows some nads” and kicks about four, maybe five, asses; Zohan’s about a world-class Mossad agent – totally fine on the nads front – who becomes a hair stylist and gets some ass. Way more than five.
2) Most of the ass Zohan gets is over 60 years-old. This is fine, because it’s good to please a woman, no matter how old she is. Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy) doesn’t get any, because all of the women in Wanted are either fat bitches (with staplers!), slut bitches, or Angelina Jolie. I’m not expecting Jeanne Dielman here, but come on, misogynist much?
3) Rodents figure prominently in the climax of Wanted. In Zohan – puppies!
4) People try to kill each other in Zohan because of a historically-specific, millennia old conflict. In Wanted, people kill each other because the Loom of Fate – no it’s an actual loom…no, really – tells them to by weaving their names into a swatch of death. And whatever you do, you don’t question
der Führer the Loom of Fate when deciding whether or not to murder somebody.
5) Adam Sandler shouldn’t be hot in Zohan, but he kind of is; James McAvoy should be hot in Wanted – okay, he’s totally hot, but he’s only shirtless once. What’s up with that?
6) Zohan actively questions the necessity of state-sponsored violence; see #4 above RE: questioning the Loom of Fate. Hello, fascism! Seriously. Not funny, just fascist.
7) A small part of me wept inside to see Terence Stamp in Wanted, but miraculously, I was happy to see Mariah Carey in Zohan.
8) We are constantly reminded that Zohan has a penis; it is constantly implied that Wesley Gibson does not have a penis; by Wanted’s own twisted standards, it is significantly better – and I mean significantly – to have a penis than to not have a penis. QED.
9) Speaking of penises, Zohan may pee on a litter box, but with his last line in the film, James McAvoy takes a metaphoric dump on the face of every person who pays to see Wanted.
10) Did I mention McAvoy’s only shirtless once?