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Blurbformers

Blurbformers

The trashing of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is allowing film critics to craft some memorable put-downs. You can almost envision a bulletin board of notecards, each with a tidy sentence or two of harsh figurative language. And, this film gives them a chance to dust off words they hoped they would never use, but all of them (and all of us) would get a pleasurable kick when they did. Rarely do film critics unite in this brand of heated hatred, and it’s almost as if there’s a collective shouting to say “This movie is going to be a success no matter what we say, and that just makes it even more pathetic!” Some examples:

“The movie is like the playdate from hell, the kind where a crew of children have reduced your home to rubble and are conducting endless bouts of loud war on the living room floor while you ponder the propriety of opening a bottle of wine.” and “The whole experience is like having your nose pressed into Bay’s manly armpit for two and a half hours.”
– Mary Pols at Time Magazine

“It’s like the script was written in one sitting on a Morphine bender, with the writer nodding in and out of consciousness, thinking that he’d already written what happened in his dreams and simply picking back up where the dream left off.”
– Massawyrm at Ain’t It Cool News

“Director Michael Bay’s film — which has two settings, ‘puree’ and ‘liquify’ — is like that scene in ‘Raging Bull,’ when Joe Pesci slams a car door against the guy’s head, over and over. Bay’s sequel is the car door; the audience is the guy.”
– Michael Phillips at the Chicago Tribune

“MaxLite. It’s the brand of ear plugs I’ve found best for defense against deafening movies and the brand I used to protect my tympanic membranes against ‘Revenge of the Fallen.’ If only I’d had protection for my brain.”
– Joe Morgenstern at The Wall Street Journal

“This film is worth watching in two situations: (1) You do not have a brain and must rapidly fill your head with bullshit, (2) You do not have an internet connection and want to watch softcore porn so badly that you are willing to have bad jokes shouted at you relentlessly for two-hours and twenty-seven minutes.”
– Michael Edwards at Obsessed With Film

And, truly something for the one-sheet poster:

“a horrible experience of unbearable length” OR “If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.”
– Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Roger Ebert

Of course, I’ll probably still see the film, because that’s what you do.

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