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If Andy Kindler ran the Oscars

If Andy Kindler ran the Oscars

I’ve written before about my admiration for stand-up comic Andy Kindler. He’s not a household name, almost because his humor is far too inside-baseball, often reflecting the ridiculousness of showbiz. You can get some of that in this piece for the LA Times, wherein Kindler offers his wish list of things he would like to see at this year’s Academy Awards:

L.A. Times: What about for supporting actors? Christoph Waltz seems to be leading that race.

Kindler: I don’t want anything else to increase Quentin Tarantino’s ego. I saw “Inglourious Basterds” win at the SAG Awards, and I assume that the win was based on the most amount of acting — they added up the number of gestures and voices and that’s how they decided. And I reject Alec Baldwin as a nominee for “It’s Complicated” — that’s a movie that will leave you laughing only if you watch something funny afterward.

I want to stress at this point that my choices are not only unscientific, but based on ignorance. It’s a combo thing.

But I want to start a campaign to have James Cameron barred from the Academy Awards. I’m already sick of him — I was sick of him after “Titanic.” He can’t get through an interview without mentioning how large the budget was on “Avatar.” I saw that interview in the Los Angeles Times with the five leading directors, and James Cameron had to go out of his way to mention that he holds two-hour auditions. I think anyone who has to spend that much time in the room with him deserves not only the part, but a severance package. And if he spends two hours on an audition, why doesn’t he spend that much time on his horrible scripts?

L.A. Times: What parts of the ceremony would you change?

Kindler: I would change any introduction of any category that sounds like bad news copy, or the language becomes flowery or would put you to sleep: “Lights. Camera. Action. These are all words that we have heard…” Anything that’s pre-written should be eliminated, category-wise, although then, we’re left with actors ad-libbing, which isn’t so good either.

L.A Times: So what’s the solution?

Kindler: Maybe if they sent the writers to Cliche Workshop. Or Trite Boot Camp. The writing seems particularly egregious during the Screen Actors Guild Awards. It’s almost like they try to create a magical introduction to the category, but it never works. And I don’t know if I’ve emphasized this enough, but there should be a “No Whoopi Hosting” rule. If she could receive a lifetime ban from hosting, that would be nice. I thought they were supposed to have a comedian host.

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