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“Paul” Presumptions, “Black Swan” Gets it Wrong, “Remo Williams” Reboot and More Discussion Fodder

"Paul" Presumptions, "Black Swan" Gets it Wrong, "Remo Williams" Reboot and More Discussion Fodder

– Is there really a wrong way to masturbate if it gets you off? S.P. Ashworth at Pajiba calls out Natalie Portman’s method (above) in “Black Swan”:

Who is masturbating like this?! Are you masturbating like this? ‘Cause I’m not. OK. Listen. If you’re masturbating like this, I gotta tell you something. You’re doing it wrong. That’s all there is to it. What you’re seeing here looks like a dying frog with its arm trapped beneath its body. What woman seeking a comfortable and enjoyable orgasm would think this position is a good idea? Shit – it’s hard enough to get yourself off when a guy rails you from behind, let alone with your pelvis mashed down on the mattress. I don’t care how hot you are – seeing this is just awkward. So stop doing breaststrokes on your bed, flip over, and get ‘er done.

I’m anxious to hear if any males at Pajiba have any issue with how Kent Osborne masturbates non-traditionally in “Uncle Kent.”

– Another person doing it wrong: John Horgan at Scientific American challenges Sebastian Junger’s theory of war. After itemizing the wrongdoing, he writes:

I hope Junger gets the Oscar for Restrepo later this month. I also hope he reconsiders his view of warfare as ancient and innate, which leads too easily to the fatalistic acceptance of war as a permanent part of the human condition.

– This isn’t the best episode of “Between Two Ferns” (I blame Tila Tequila more than Jennifer Aniston), but after watching “It’s Kind of a Funny Story,” it’s still nice to return to familiar Zach Galifianakis comedy:

– Danger Guerrero does a breakdown of the unnecessary and excessive San Francisco chase scene from one of my favorite action films, “The Rock.” Here is an excellent idea he has at the end:

I’ve always thought a mockumentary or a web short following the staff of the local news media in the town a Michael Bay movie takes place would be hilarious. Can you even imagine the headlines the day after this scene took place? A madman in a Hummer — quite possibly a terrorist — led the police on a high speed chase, caused extensive property damage (including multiple explosions), and probably killed a few police officers. The media would be apoplectic.

– Some of the expression-appropriating rom-com titles Dan Hopper of Best Week Ever predicts will one day exist include “Bros Before Hos,” “Sexting” and “That’s What She Said.” I bet anyone a billion bucks he’s right.

– John Gholson at Cinematical analyzes the “Thor” and “Captain America” Super Bowl spots to determine which Avenger had the best commercial:

I’d love to give it to ‘Captain America,’ but to be fair, the ‘Thor’ trailer just conveys more about the upcoming film. Marvel has a tougher sell with ‘Thor,’ and so far, I think they’ve done a good job conveying both its earthly and fantasy elements, especially in this TV ad. Time will tell if the films themselves are as exciting as their well-cut Superbowl commercials, but it’s always fun to see two superheroes slug it out — even in trailer form.

– This clip montage of mostly rom-com scenes is full of slapstick and water and crying (also water, I guess), slapping and other things common to “chick flicks.” But I wouldn’t really classify “Mean Girls,” “Love and Other Drugs,” “Easy A” or “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” as “chick flicks.” [via Slashfilm]

– There is actually not much innovative about Morgan Spurlock’s upcoming doc “The Greatest Movie Ever Sold,” as I note in my review from Sundance. But here’s a story about some additional marketing aspects that Spurlock isn’t the first to do. Still, I wouldn’t say he’s a copycat, let alone a plagiarist.

– Before seeing the film, John Nolte at Big Hollywood is already taking issue with “Paul” based on early reviews. It helps that he’s presumptuous of all modern satire:

what’s looking like a left-wing, atheist polemic disguised as escapist comedy so that Pegg and Frost can get their bigotry on and line us up for a series of sucker-punch cheap shots. Unlike Monty Python, present-day “satirists” are too ignorant and mean-spirited to mock us with the kind of intelligence and affection we can appreciate, so it’s unlikely we’re looking forward to a couple hours of laughing at ourselves here.

According to the IMDb, Ed Lauter, Richard Lynch and Warren Oates are the three most underrated actors (of 230 listed). Can’t place them by name? Exactly.

– Given that Christian Bale is reuniting with director Brad Anderson for “Concrete Island,” let’s look at a feature on Physical Transformations in Film at Anomalous Material.

– In a film that shouldn’t require too much transformation will require considerable weight gain (30-45 lbs reportedly): “American Idol” contestant Fantasia will portray gospel singer Mahalia Jackson in a biopic.

– If the Internet has its way today, “Shark Night 3D” could go to theaters with the simple new name “Untitled 3D Shark Thriller.” I’m all for it. But it’ll still be as terrible as the web-influenced “Snakes on a Plane.”

REMAKES

– Paramount is churning out another remake of “The Man Who Knew Too Much” (Hitchcock himself made it twice), this time as “The Kid Who Knew Too Much.” Que sera, sera, as it were.

– There is a “Remo Williams” (aka “Destroyer”) reboot on the way. Here is how Jim Mullaney at Big Hollywood says it should be done:

So a good Destroyer film adaptation would ideally…

* Irritate British film reviewers throughout the empire
* Anger the enemies of America; like, for example, Muslim terrorists and their squishy soul-mates.

That’s it. Simple formula. Think big and love America. […]

What, didn’t I mention that The Destroyer also does humor and social and political satire from a decidedly conservative perspective?

Get that attitude right, Hollywood, and you’ll have a movie for which fans of The Expendables, Gran Torino, Taken and Harry Brown will be lining up at the box office. If not? Well, if you go in a different direction, you won’t make much money but you’ll doubtless make a whole bunch of mealy-mouthed British film reviewers very, very happy.

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