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In Theaters: ‘Pirates,’ ‘Paris,’ And Not Much Else

In Theaters: 'Pirates,' 'Paris,' And Not Much Else

Yaarrghh! Mateys! It’s time for another installment of “Pirates of the Caribbean: Let’s Cash Some Checks“!!! Johnny‘s got the mortgage on his private island in France to pay off, so let’s get the gang back together. Dig the dreadlock wigs out of storage and rustle up some mermaids, we’ve got bills to pay! So you can go see that in theaters this weekend. Or you can go see the fresh-from-the Croisette “Midnight in Paris,” a delightful entry into the Woody Allen canon. Owen Wilson! He’s perfect for a Woody Allen movie, why didn’t we figure this out before?! Have you checked out our extensive Allen retrospective? It’s tearing Playlist HQ apart! Epithets have been hurled; gauntlets have been thrown. So those are your choices for this weekend. Alternatively, you can re-read the reviews from Cannes and cry that you haven’t seen “The Tree of Life” or “Drive” yet. That sounds fun too.

Rob Marshall directs the latest installment of the ‘Pirates‘ franchise, and it’s shot in 3D! Oh boy! This time around, the pirates are looking for the Fountain of Youth, because between Johnny Depp, Ian McShane and Geoffrey Rush, that’s a whole lot of craggy. Penelope Cruz dons Keira Knightley‘s old tri-cornered hat and britches, and some mermaids are thrown into the mix. Our review says, “‘On Stranger Tides’ isn’t offensively bad, it’s not even poor. It’s just nothing special. And after a while that ‘nothing special’ feels ‘exceptionally dull.'” Rotten Tomatoes: 35% Metacritic: 45

Owen Wilson, Rachel McAdams, Michael Sheen and Marion Cotillard star in Woody Allen‘s latest effort, the magical realist “Midnight in Paris.” Based off the trailer, I’m kinda seein’ what McAdams and Beckinsale see in Michael Sheen. He-llo! In actual film news, it was lauded by Cannes-goers, and our review from the fest says the breezy film “intoxicates you, and it’s hard not to fall under its spell.” I’d like to intoxicate Michael Sheen if you follow my drift… okay, okay, I’ll stop now… No I won’t! Michael Sheen, you look hot with that beard! RT: 91% MC: 83

This is a short one this week, as it seems the entire film world only cares about Cannes or “Pirates of the Caribbean.” Go see “Bridesmaids” so we can have a sequel.

In Limited Release:

— Um… I’m pretty sure I already wrote about this movie months ago, and you guys don’t care, but Rotten Tomatoes says that “Lion of Judah” the Ernest Borgnine-voiced cartoon is in theaters. Cool. I like Ernest Borgnine. Do you know about his fountain of youth? Ew, I just grossed myself out.

— Like “Crazy Heart“? How’d you like it if it starred Kris Kristofferson and Hillary Duff? Well, now you have “Bloodworth.” At least that’s what I can tell from the one-sheet.

— Sexy lady vampires in “We Are the Night“! This will satisfy your thirst until “True Blood” comes back.

— An Iraq-war vet returns home to family drama in Philly in “Cost of a Soul” RT: 30%

— High school slam-poetry documentary, “Louder than a Bomb.” RT: 100%

— Urban lady comedy “35 and Ticking.” I’m betting it’s sassy!

— Oooohhh this one looks fun! Sophie Monk and Cameron Richardson as surfing femmes fatale in “Hard Breakers.” RT: the dreaded 0%

Have fun this weekend, and if anything, you can just watch this GIF wall of Kirsten Dunst reacting to Lars von Trier during Press Conference-gate. It’s mesmerizing.

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