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In Theaters: ‘Drive’ Looks To Zoom Past ‘Straw Dogs’ & ‘I Don’t Know How She Does It’

In Theaters: 'Drive' Looks To Zoom Past 'Straw Dogs' & 'I Don't Know How She Does It'

Hello friends. Your mission, should you choose to accept it (WHICH YOU WILL CAUSE I SAID SO) is to go see “Drive” this weekend. There is no other movie playing in theaters. Nope, not one. There, this column is over. Done! “Drive” is all there is to see. Worth seeing anyway. And I would be remiss if I didn’t champion truly original and excellent filmmaking in this column. Do not go see “Lion King 3D.” We are not children (if you are a child, why are you reading this? Stop now). Don’t you remember that talk we had back when “Green Whatever” came out? We don’t watch movies for kids. Especially not ones we already saw 10 years ago. Ok, rant over. Let’s get down and dirty.

I am deadly serious about this everyone, I did see “Drive” a few weeks ago and it’s such a juicy delicious hunk of raw bloody L.A. noir, like if a space alien (or a crazy Danish person) made it. It’s compelling and dark and so arresting you just might not breathe the entire time. Ryan Gosling is great, the direction by Nicholas Winding Refn is great, the screenplay by Hossein Amini is great, the soundtrack is great and don’t take my word for it, why don’t you just consult our review from Cannes? Our man on the Croisette said “Drive” is “a great demonstration of how, when there’s true talent behind the camera, entertainment and art are not enemies but allies.” And our review from Empire Big Screen says it’s “it’s a shot of pure cinema straight to the eyeball.” I couldn’t agree more. Just trust me on this. With the excellent supporting cast of Carey Mulligan, Christina Hendricks (looking very un-Joan in urban chola wear), terrifying Albert Brooks, Bryan Cranston, Ron Perlman, and Oscar Isaac. P.S. Here’s what Mr. Refn himself has to say about the proper theater conduct. Rotten Tomatoes: 95% MetaCritic: 80

Oh brother. Who wants to rewatch a movie from 15 years ago now with added headachey bonus?! I don’t approve of 3D, rereleasing movies we used to like in 3D or movies for children. So if “Lion King 3D” is compelling to you, then sure, go see it. Our review says the film, “remains a masterpiece of modern animation, and the new 3D presentation, with unobtrusive added dimensionality and a healthy technological spit-shine, perfectly illuminates its artistic and thematic accomplishments.” RT: 89% MC:

Speaking of redos, the Peckinpah classic “Straw Dogs” gets the remake treatment with James Marsden, Kate Bosworth and Alexander Skarsgård doing his imposing Scandinavian thing. Our review says it’s “an intellectually crippling affair, an ugly, irredeemable black hole of stupid contrivances, inconsistent characterizations, and melodramatic bullshit.” RT: 36% MC: 47

I don’t know how they keep making dreck like “I Don’t Know How She Does It.” And with these terrible titles! Sarah Jessica Parker basically plays Carrie Bradshaw with a family and, jeez, is the conflict between work and family a hacky, tired premise. Our review says the film is “wretched claptrap, which we’re fairly certain has single-handedly set the feminist cause back a good 35-40 years.” The bright side: a double dose of Christina Hendricks in theaters! RT: 18% MC: 38

Gus van Sant‘s latest “Restless” stars Mia Wasikowska as a dying girl, Henry Hopper as a boy obsessed with funerals and his friend, the ghost of a Japanese kamikaze pilot (Ryo Kase). Quirky! Get Harold and Maude on the phone! Our review from Cannes says all the film “offers is the titular feeling you’re going to have enduring this at your local arthouse.” Our second review says it is “an unmitigated disaster” in case you were holding out hope the first review was just a fluke. Yikes. RT: 40% MC: 47

Gerard Depardieu stars as the French Forrest Gump in “My Afternoons with Marguerite.” A man considered the village idiot encounters an old woman on a park bench who educates him about literature. Insert peeing on plane joke here. RT: 81% MC: 57

Writer/actor Mark Polish returns to high school in “Stay Cool,” supported by the randomest cast ever including Winona Ryder, Chevy Chase, Sean Astin, Hilary Duff and Josh Holloway. RT: 20%

Norwegian adultery drama “Happy, Happy” made a splash at fests this year and is drawing good notices. Annd, it’s a Norwegian adultery drama. No brainer here, people. We saw and it though it pleasant enough, thanks in no small part to the lead performance by Agnes Kittleson. Check our review right here. RT: 76%

Speaking of adultery, “Run Lola Run” director Tom Tykwer is back with “3,” about a couple who falls in love with the same man. Sexy times! I mean, um, deep, important emotions and shit. RT: 50%

Oh my god, Finnish adultery drama “Silent Souls.” Jesus, these Scandinavians. This one involves a man taking a friend on a road trip to bury his wife according to Finnish/Russian ancient traditions and discovering he wasn’t the only one in love with her. RT: 90% MC: 69

Documentary “Jane’s Journey” follows the incredible life and career of Jane Goodall and her work with chimpanzees. RT: 50% MC: 49

Pieter Bruegel’s painting “The Way to Calvary” comes to life starring Rutger Hauer, Charlotte Rampling and Michael York in “The Mill and the Cross,” directed by Lech Majewski. RT: 75% MC: 82

Documentary “The Weird World of Blowfly” chronicles the life of aging Miami dirty rapper Blowfly. Done and done. So there. That is a magical combination of words. RT: 67% MC: 52

Berlin 36” tells the story of German-Jewish athlete Gretel Bergmann who was the best contender for a gold medal in the 1936 Berlin Olympic games and undermined the Nazi beliefs with her athletic skill. RT: 60% MC: 45

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