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Ten Things We Learned From Our Comments Section In 2011

Ten Things We Learned From Our Comments Section In 2011

Now’s the time when we turn the tables to show a little appreciation for our readers and commenters. Yes, we do what we do because we love writing about film, but getting feedback from our readers makes it all the more fun. And sometimes terrifying. It’s not a one-way street, you see; we learn as much from you lot as you do from us, and in among the many creative ways you find to call us shitheads, there’s plenty of insight, wit, and, as you’ll see below, batshit crazy conspiracy theories. Below; ten things we learned from our comments across 2011.

1. There’s No Such Thing As Over-Sharing When It Comes To The “Fast & Furious” Franchise.
From “Kristina” on this post about Justin Lin‘s possible attachment to “Terminator 5.”
“Woooo! Freakin’ fantastic, can’t wait for Fast and Furious 6! Fast Five was absolutely breathtaking! Oh, God, the only thing that’s going through my head to describe that movie, it’s like sex with an orgasm at the end of it! Whereas the first four movies were like you have sex but you never get the orgasm. A lot of stopping and starting but… oh, I wish I hadn’t said that.”

Funnily enough, we had the same reaction to “The Mysteries of Lisbon.”
2. It’s OK To Have A Crush On “Super 8” Star Joel Courtney. If You’re Ten Years Old.
There are certain actors who inspire commenters (or comment-bots) with a burning desire to express their feelings, inappropriateness be damned! It’s almost wrong to direct you to this thread of Joel Courtney fans getting all breathless over the 13-year-old “Super 8” star… As “Keira” so articulately puts it:

“oh.i LOVE joel courtney…just ask any1 i kno(:but its only like 2&1/2 year age difference….pshh…im mature…right??hahHa<3thanks 4the great movie!i cant ztop thinking about it…like it wuz so freakin good tht i actually like miss seeing it!its a crazy feeling(:haha…i probily sound like a freak now so i guess i’l stop typing…<3yu joel!!i hope yu read thissss.”

In case you’re not keeping count, that means li’l Keira is NINE-AND-A-HALF. We’re not sure we could even spell ‘hormonal imbalance’ when we we were nine-and-a-half.

3. Nothing Brings On Broodiness Like R-Patz.
Speaking of hormonal imbalance, the Courtney Kittens don’t stand a chance when it comes to the Pattinson Cougars (those are the names of our Playlist League softball teams, by the way). No other actor brings out the crazy defensive fans like Robert Pattinson; you can read any Pattinson-related post for hilarity in super-crazy defensive commenting, but we have to admit, we particularly get a kick out of the cougs who like to talk about their biological clocks. Here’s a good example from “Tellar Calcagno”:
“Love Rob! He is so hot! So far, unfortunately, I’ve been dealing with men with no backbone, who make promises they cannot keep. A lot of men can’t handle a strong woman. I won’t cry for all the hunger in my heart. I’m dying to have a baby. In fact, my biological clock is already ticking and I don’t know how to describe it. It’s just becoming a physical need now. I want my son(s) to look like him. I am a 34 year old divorced woman with a young daughter but I’m excited to see what the future brings.”

4. Paula Patton Is The Very Model Of Post-Natal Attractiveness.
There’s one Paula Patton fan-bot who always takes things way too far into the TMI territory, as “Lauren” comments on just about every story on the “Mission: Impossible” star: 

“Paula Patton gave birth to her first child with her toyboy husband Robin Thicke merely five months before filming began. In Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol, she flaunts her post-pregnancy figure that boasts an ample cleavage, fuller legs and a fuller backside. I’m a new mother myself and I highly recommend having children. My hips are bigger…my breasts are bigger. I’m loving it! I feel like more of a woman now. It definitely makes me feel so much sexier than ever before.”

You should bear in mind, those IMAX cameras do add ten pounds… 

5. Scarlett Johansson Is A Clone. Or Something.
Now it’s not all just undersexed ladies and lady-bots getting all hot and bothered in the comments; we have plenty of nonsensical conspiracy theorists out there too! My personal favorite, Serge, always takes the time out of his day to remind us that Scarlett Johansson is stolen biological material. Many may want to dismiss Serge as a simple spam-bot, but I think I just found his Youtube channel. Serge is real! Oh happy day. Just a man on a mission.  A mission to tell us that Scarjo is stolen biological material. We’ve deleted most of his comments but here’s a post where he left us his message, and you can always find some on our colleague Anne Thompson’s blog. His spam (no, he’s a real dude that actually believes this, trust us, we emailed him and asked us to stop and he continues to this day) always reads like this:

“S.J. is stolen biological material, taken against will and formed to clones line 200 pieces total. Sign of dangerous criminal activity. Original Scarlett Galabekian future pediatrician doctor, pediatrician nurse license she obtained in 2008.”

Someone is really into their “The Island” fan-fiction, it would appear.

6. While Aubrey Plaza Is Apparently An Agent Of The Illuminati. Johansson’s not the only ingenue with conspiracy theories around her, as Suzanne points out, Aubrey Plaza is apparently an agent of the Illuminati.
“That bitch Aubrey Plaza suddendly appears everywhere. She’s an ugly no talented person. Boring sarcasm we have seen and been there. She won’t last long, at least until she notices how dull and empty she is. People who like her really don’t know that she’s simply another illuminati puppet. All no talented, under-loved celebreties are. She has no personality and she is shown as the new “funny” comedian that is the opposite of pop stars like britney spears, so people will think she is better then britney cause she is not the typical all sexy person. But that’s what the illuminati want you all to think. She sold her soul to the devil to have “sudden” fame! Cause if that didn’t happen then all the nobodies, non-talented people like she is would also become a “star”! She is simply a big parasite and the illuminati want to promote more people like her, because they simply don’t have better use in this world then to be manipulated and used.”

As our Associate Editor Jess pointed out, this comment “is a masterpiece of circular arguing, broken english, hatefulness, random comparisons, paranoia and batshit insanity. Jackpot!”

7. “Alvin & The Chipmunks” Fans Find Kermit & Miss Piggy’s Relationship Morally Abhorrent.
Of course it’s not all alien clones, Illuminati and sexy ingenues – there’s the heated ‘Chipmunks‘ lobby as well, whose agents, such as “Phantanos” are both emphatic and creative in their comment wordplay.

“Dred this! They will continue to make Chipmunk movies; ‘till you trolls soil your pompous pants and die!
You so eagerly attack them, yet you approve of a Frog and Pig relationship. How much did that Orange County Rat, Pay you to write this. I want to see you all squirm when the Fourth entry is released.”

Well, not only are there those over the age of seven who like the ‘Chipmunks’ films, but also they’re deeply offended by the decades-long love affair between a frog and a pig. Who are fictional.

8. There Is No Subject That Cannot Somehow Be Connected To “Starsky & Hutch.”
Really, the purpose of the comments is to serve as a place for sounding off on whatever films or actors we may be chatting up that day… or whatever film our readers feel like bringing up. In this post on Bryan Bertino‘s latest found footage effort, “Dawn Everett” takes the time to remind us of a film with some really great qualities, “Starsky & Hutch.”

“Bad acting, bad music, bad camerawork, pathetic studio sets and all the other bad stuff about found footage is getting a bad break. Starsky and Hutch should be in that catagory, but they had two things, only two thing that made it great. They broke laws for the common good and had a relationship that anyone would envy. I haven’t seen that again. The series didn’t preach and tell you how to behave or dress or how to live your life, which is after all, in my opinion,is the point. Series these days are about clothes and hair and doing the right thing and teaching with great actors who are our moral compass. I like knowing the other side.”

What “Starsky & Hutch” has to do with found footage, we honestly don’t know, but we’re sure some hungry studio exec has just greenlit a franchise reboot from the “Paranormal Activity” team. 

9. Skynet Is Awake, And It’s Commenting On Movie Websites.
While the date of nuclear apocalypse has been pushed further and further back as “The Terminator” franchise has been extended past its natural lifespan, the time to stock up on canned foods might be coming; if this post is anything to go by, Skynet is live, and taking an interest in the fifth installment of the series.

“ple make new terminator film soon, we are egarly waiting”

Well, either that, or, by the spelling and grammar, it’s one of the screenwriters of “Terminator: Salvation.”10. Fuck Is Not The Most Offensive F-Word.
Sometimes, when necessary, our language does get a little blue, we’ll admit, but even we’re surprised by the hot-button words for some. “Rohan” clutches his or her pearls about the use of the f-word in a recent post.

“(While yes, there’s that annoying “Inception”-sounding BRAAAAM fart in it) – What a nice piece of journalism! I am pretty sure you could use a different word instead of ‘fart’ here, because not everyone likes to read that when it comes to journalism. You didn’t only disrespected the people behind the films you mentioned, but disrespected the readers as well.”

The moral majority can be rest assured that the intern responsible was sacked on the spot. Even if he was Peter Bogdanovich‘s nephew, that shit won’t fly around here. Oops.

We’re aware that our opinionated writing keeps it honest and interesting around these parts, and that this is what also inspires some haters to come out and play. We’re cool with that, but just remember to play nice, okay? We do appreciate the feedback, laughs and interaction from all of you. Even our copy-editing team (WE DO EXIST!) appreciates the fact-checking back-up, and this just wouldn’t be as fun without a little healthy debate.

See you in the comments in 2012.  

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