Yes, indeed we are in the thick of awards season, kicking things off with one of our favorite awards shows, the wild and woolly Golden Globes. What’s not to love about the Globes? Everyone’s drunk, wandering from table to table, in a festive and jovial mood, Ricky Gervais is offending everyone, the Hollywood Foreign Press always nominates someone insane, and everyone’s fresh and excited and no longer beaten down by E! reporters. For film nerds, this is our playoffs, which I have gleaned from Facebook newsfeed is a football thing that is happening now. Is that what is happening now? Confused. Here’s hoping someone Tebows at the Globes tonight. I wish it would be Ryan Gosling, but I have a feeling George Clooney is the more likely character.
Our liveblog will be starting around 7pm EST/4pm PST so we will see you right here for all of the action! In the meantime, here is a humorous Ricky Gervais sketch from SNL last night. Enjoy!
7:05 PM Oh, Zooey. Prada dress is great, you’re looking gorgeous, but good God, what is that hair? Are those sideburns? Is there a B-52s convention happening after the show?
7:07 PM Julianne Marguiles is apparently wearing a dress made by Spanx. Laryngitis makes Charlize Theron even sexier, if that’s even possible.
7:09 PM Ricky Gervais, nice suit. But Badgley Mischka, what on earth is that green thing you dressed Melissa McCarthy in? Did you find it in your garage?
7:15: Steve Buscemi going to the Globes as a zombie apparently?
7:16: Nicole Ritchie is relevant? Kind of into her hair through.
7:17: Elton John is wearing a panther brooch. That is all.
7:18: Dr. Aida Takla-O’Relly from the HFPA is wearing too much neckwear.
7:19: Seth Rogen is Rogen-y. He claims he’s going to get drunk, no surprise there.
7:20: Rob Lowe should have put the top up on the convertible. Everyone’s talking about getting schwastey.
7:21: Evan Rachel Wood in a green feather raven outfit.
7:22: Octavia Spencer is a vision in lavender.
7:22: Thank you Salma Hayek for taking the “Golden Globes” thing seriously by wearing a golden Gucci breastplate.
7:23: Madonna and Andrea Riseborough…Madge sporting tons of cleav and Andrea wearing some weird bustle dress.
7:24: Morgan Freeman is STRAIGHT PIMPING with shades on and TWO bitches, one on each arm.
7:30: Claire Danes cleaning up nicely per usual. BTW, this manic Asian lady red carpet reporter is kind of insane.
7:31: Fave couple Amy Poehler and Will Arnett knocking it out of the park with the Old School Hollywood glamour.
7:33: Remember when Calista Flockhart was a big deal?
7:35: Snooze, Leo DiCaprio’s lecture on Hoover was about as boring as the movie; at least he looks good doing it.
7:36: Natalie Portman is wearing 1.5 evening gowns.
7:40: Is the Betty White Night commercial this years Charlie Sheen 20-20 ad? For craziness factor?
7:41: Matt LeBlanc, silver fox status, me-OW.
7:42: Tina Fey always wears the same dress in a different color. This one has a crazy poof train!
7:42: George Clooney, speaking of silver foxes, looks way too short next to his lady-wrestler girlfriend.
7:43: Unf, Ryan Kwanten, bring me back “True Blood” right now! My Jason Stackhouse fantasy is being complicated by his native accent.
7:44: Emma Stone, best dressed of the night, calling it now. Where’s her best accessory, Andrew Garfield?
7:50: Glenn Close, femme-ing it up. Ha, this ladybot reporter just said “nice to be a woman.”
7:51: Adam Levine, take off your sunglasses, you douche. Carson Daly called him a homeless person who wandered onto the carpet.
7:52: Ohh, a bearded Bryan Cranston may have hit the sauce early. Why is Sophia Bush lurking in the background?
7:55: Never stop talking, Sophia Vergara. Every lady’s lady crush. Gorgeous dress, but the bottom of it is a little toooo fishtail-y.
7:56: FIVE MINUTES, AIYEEEEE!! Herd, herd the stars!
7:59: GO AWAY, red carpet reporter-bots!
8:00: Here we goooooo…. And here’s Ricky! Blood red was an interesting choice… also, can we talk about the giant glass of booze on the podium?
8:01: And he starts in on the NBC/Golden Globes digs. Boos at the Kardashian:Middleton:: US:UK analogy.
8:02: Viola Davis did not enjoy the joke that Eddie Murphy/Adam Sandler played all the roles in “The Help.”
8:03: At least Jodie Foster has a sense of humor, but Elton John does not look amused.
8:04: Everyone loves a James Cameron joke! And a Justin Bieber joke, ew.
8:05: Amanda Peet wearing glasses and randomly there. Former nominee status?
8:06: Is Ricky being nice? And yes, Johnny Depp looks ridiculous. Takes a sip of Ricky’s mystery brown liquid. Ricky asks him if he’s seen “The Tourist” yet. And Johnny attempts to chase him offstage. Johnny Depp is doing a parody of Johnny Depp. Presenting “Hugo.”
8:08: Gerard Butler (looking like Desmond from “Lost”) and Mila Kunis presenting Best Supporting Actor… and it’s Christopher Plummer! Why is he rambling about King Kong and Rin Tin Tin? Ken Branagh looks adorable. He calls Ewan MacGregor a “wily Scot.” Christopher Plummer is the BEST. AND woah, HOT wife of 43 years!
8:12: Ashton Kutcher and Elle MacPherson presenting Best Comedy Actress… swear to God, if Zooey DesChanel wins… and it goes to LAURA DERN for “Enlightened.” In a crazy crazy green sequinned dress. AWESOME shout out to her mom, the Goddess Diane Ladd.
8:19: A giggly Rob Lowe and Julianne Moore are presenting… something but the prompter isn’t working… oh Miss Golden Globes, the daughter of Andie MacDowell. Ok let’s go, Best Mini-Series or TV Movie… and the winner is…DOWNTON ABBEY. No surprise there. Wow, this guy accepting the award is super Britishy. Miss Golden Globes looks very confused among all these old British people.
8:22: Rob and Julianne presenting Best Actress for Mini-Series or Movie… never heard of half of these. The winner is emphatically stated by Rob Lowe– KATE WINSLET. Fianlly some love for the excellent “Mildred Pierce.” Love her dress. Why is she always out of breath for these things? She shouts out Todd Haynes for being “calm.” And she gets played off. First one to get played off.
8:26: A gorgeous but wooden Freida Pinto presenting “Midnight in Paris” for Best Pic. Why is she allowed to sell anything other than energy water or Chiclets?
8:31: Jeremy Irons escorting Dr. Aida Takla-O’Reilly (I’m butchering her name, I’m sure), to introduce some shit about the HFPA. Jeremy Irons is getting A LITTLE TOUCHY with the good doctor.
8:33: Jake Gyllenhaal presenting “My Week With Marilyn,” Michelle Williams looks adorable as usual.
8:34: Ricky Gervais giving speech advice, he says to thank God and your agent and that’s it. Why is Madeline Stowe sitting next to William H. Macy? WHY DOES RICKY KEEP BRINGING UP THE SHITTING IN THE SINK? And why is Ricky Gervais wearing a red vest? Ew, red vest.
8:35: Paula Patton and Melissa McCarthy presenting Best Actor in a TV drama… WOAH Kelsey Grammar!!! Straight stole that from Cranston. And why is Paula Patton so excited?
8:37: And now they present best TV Drama. I love you, Melissa, but this dress…. just, no. No. The winner is “HOMELAND.” What is Paula Patton on?
8:39: Blah blah blah random TV guys with some shots of Claire Danes. Tina Fey looks bored too.
8:40: Emily Watson pounding champers like a champ. Partay in full swing.
8:44: Adam Levine and Jimmy Fallon presenting Best Original Score. Jimmy is riffing on “Moves Like Jagger” and Clooney is NOT AMUSED. And “The Artist” wins! Kim Novak is PISSED. This random French guy is reading a whole page of thank yous and making kissy noises and getting played off.
8:47: And now it’s time for Best Song…. lyrics by GLENN CLOSE??? HAHAHAA, “Albert Nobbs.” And MADONNA wins for her “W.E.” jam. WOW, Madonna is wearing black fingerless gloves like it’s 1985. Can’t believe this film won anything. Latifah and Mary J. NOT amused. Madonna’s face is scary and she is just not even accepting the fact that she’s getting played off. She does call Harvey Weinstein “The Punisher.” That would be a good version of “The Punisher.”
Here is a short one-act play written by the staff of The Playlist:
Madonna is gonna have some intern fired for the music going up on her. Or roasted. “GET ME RICKY GERVAIS!!” “Madonna, he doesn’t have anyhting to do with the music.”“JUST DOOO WHAT I SAAAAY.”
8:51: Who is this Turkish lady?
8:56: Katherine McPhee and Deborah Messing presenting Best Actor in TV Mini-Series or Movie. AHHH, IDRIS ELBA WINS! British accent… swoon. Yes, Stringer Bell, FTW.
8:58: Enjoying Mike White in the background of all the shots of famous poeple.
8:59: Hippie longhair Brad Pitt presenting “Ides of March” for Best Pic.
9:00: Seth Rogen and Kate Beckinsale presenting Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy. Jodie Foster’s kids! Michelle Williams wins. Upset! Is that even a musical or a comedy? Somehow Michelle Williams pulls off navy blue shiny velour leopard print. And, it’s the same award that Marilyn herself won for “Some Like it Hot.” Thanks for that fun fact, MiWi.
9:07: Two horrible dresses on Piper Perabo (I think) and Sarah-Michelle Gellar presenting Best Supporting Actor for Mini-Series or Movie. Peter Dinklage wins!
9:09: Dinklage is so great, shouts out Guy Pearce. And Dustin Hoffman is about to fall asleep. Dinklage got played off in a flurry of uhs and ums.
9:10: Ricky Gervais introduces Giorgio Clooney who comes out with a pimp cane. He’s intro-ing buddy Brad’s “Moneyball.” Angelina Jolie’s dress is… interesting. She’s totally the third wheel in this Clooney-Pitt lovefest.
9:12: Jessica Alba and lego-head Channing Tatum introducing best Animated Feature… and the winner is “Tin Tin.” Hey who’s this guy accepting the award? George Lucas or something? (KIDDING).
9:15: Party shots! Paula Patton acting cray cray, JGL making weird faces.
9:20: Ewan MacGregor presenting “50/50.” Seth Rogen either makes a serious or drunk face.
9:21: Clive Owen and Nicole Kidman presenting best Screenplay. I’m slightly scared of Nicole Kidman’s bodice. And the screenplay goes to “Midnight in Paris.” Woody’s not there so Nicole says “thanks, HFPA.”
9:22: William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman sing a song about Best Supporting Actress in mini-series or movie… and Jessica Lange upsets Maggie Smith! Jessica’s all… “yeah, that’s it! Whatevs!”
9:30: Ricky intro-ing the Queen of Pop and mentions “not you, Elton.” Elton YOU MAD. Herrrrrre’s… Madonna! Ooohhhh she takes on Gervais! “If I’m just like a virgin, why don’t you come over here and do something about it? I haven’t kissed a girl in awhile.” BURN. Ugh, Madonna is rambling about foreign films, name dropping Truffaut, bah, shut up.
9:32: And the winner is “A Separation”! No surprise there! Wow those dudes are mad serious. Is that his bodyguard?
9:33: Grampa Dustin Hoffman is presenting Best Actress in a TV Series Drama… Madeline Stowe better win. Claire Danes wins… I feel like she wins everything these days. Except Oscars of course. Danes is talking about winning this for the first time for “My So-Called Life.” Random. Claire just shouted out hubs Hugh Dancy and they cut to a shot of someone who was clearly NOT Hugh Dancy.
9:41: Wonderful and possibly drunk Emily Blunt intros “Bridesmaids.” Of course they cut to Melissa. Missy. We can call her that now.
9:43: Jane Lynch and Tina Fey try to convince us they are nothing like their TV characters and high five a penis joke. Presenting Best Actor in a Comedy Series. WHY is Thomas Jane wearing a tiny cowboy hat inside? Woah, Matt LeBlanc wins for “Episodes.” Random! And strangely low-energy.
9:46: Sexiest Man Alive (TM) Bradley Cooper (sporting a “Three Musketeers”-esque Van Dyke beard) presents Best Supporting Actress to… Octavia Spencer! Standing O! And someone randomly shouts “OCTAVIAAAAAAAA.” Melissa McCarthy tears alert! O shouts out Dr. King, says she’s going to fall off her heels, rapidly reads a list of names and I think she may have also won Speech of the Night.
9:53: Hottie Reese Witherspoon presents “The Descendants,” because of her “friend” Alexander Payne.
9:55: Sidney Poitier…. takes a moment of silence before intro-ing “Morgan. Freeman.” He is talking… very… slowly.
9:57: Morgan’s “Red” co-star Helen Mirren shows up to be sassy and hot. Amazing. These jokes, though, no, Helen. She intros the Morgan Freeman montage. Best part of the montage? Bitch slapping Denzel in “Glory.”
10:02: Oof. Montage over. BTW, who let Chris Tucker in? Morgan Freeman is possibly hammered, hitting on Helen Mirren.
10:04: Does Sidney Poitier age? Oh, it’s the Cecil B. DeMille award, good to know. Freeman is awesome. He just said “Hey Elton!” randomly in his speech. Def drunk. Winner. Awesome. And WHO is sitting on Ben Kingsley’s lap?
10:10: Robert Downey, Jr. is doing his mumbly RDJ thing, presenting “The Artist.”
10:12: Angelina looks scary. Beautiful but scary. She’s presenting Best Director. Ohhhh that’s how you say Hazanavicius… and the Globe goes to Scorsese! Apparently the HFPA love preserving cinema.
10:13: Scorsese is his cute Scorsesian self. Doesn’t everyone love when Scorsese says “the picture”? Can he just talk about everything, forever?
10:15: Gervais is back! He’s escaped his restaints from backstage. And he has beer in a wine glass I think. And something just cut out while he was intro-ing Banderas and Hayek. Banderas responds to Gervais with the longest string of Spanish expletives (?) ever unleashed on the Globes stage.
10:17: Globe goes to “Modern Family.” At least it wasn’t “New Girl”! Wait, if Sophia Vergara and Salma Hayek are on the same stage, does the world explode? Sophia thanks everyone in Spanish. And the showrunner translates. Foreign press indeed.
10:23: Michelle Pfeiffer intros “War Horse.”
10:24: Mark Wahlberg and Jessica Biel in a lumpy tablecloth present Best Actor Musical/Comedy to… Jean Dujardin! He is so charming and French. Most foreign Globes ever. He is literally the best, just obliterated Octavia Spencer for speech of the night. Can he please win everything and charm us always? His wife is taping this on her phone… um, they have NBC cameras for this.
10:31: The Queen intro’s “The Help.” Latifah that is.
10:32: Gervais, so drunk. No jacket, wine glass full of beer. Intro-ing Colin Firth and says that he’s racist. Har, funny? Maybe? Firth pretends to kick him. At least he can kind of roll with it.
10:34: Firth presenting Best Actress, Drama…. OH MY GOD TILDA SWINTON LOOKS AMAZING. And Meryl Streep wins! Charlize looks unamused. OH DAMN they bleeped Meryl saying “Oh shit I forgot my glasses.” Does George have Meryl’s glasses? WHAT IS HAPPENING? She’s trying to remember all the best actresses, and someone shouts “Rooney!”
10:37: Meryl thanks her agent, Kevin Huvane and “God, Harvey Weinstein. ‘The Punisher’.” Ha. Thanks England for coming over to “trample all over their history.” Meryl is rambling, gets played off, and says “I love you Viola, you’re my girl.”
10:39: Damn, Jane Fonda could beat all of us up. She’s presenting Best Comedy/Musical. “Formidable! ‘The Artist'”!
10:40: OMG THE DOG FROM THE ARTIST! UGGIE! Is this Michael Hazanavicius? No it’s the producer. Harvey is having a great night. Look at that smug motherfucker. Btw, a little bird told me that was Thomas Langmann, son of Claude Berri, Producer of “The Artist,” accepting the award.
10:46: Gervais intros Natalie Portman, that lazy bum who took time off to have a baby and consequently wasn’t nommed for anything. She presents Best Actor to George Clooney for “The Descendants.” #FirstWorldProblems is all I’m sayin.
10:48: Clooney continues to fellate Brad Pitt during his thank you speech. And shouts out a buzz-cut sporting Michael Fassbender for his penis. Weird. Fassy wuz robbed.
10:54: Harrison Ford intros Best Picture, and it goes to “The Descendants.” Like I said, #FirstWorldProblems. Who is this random producer? Anyway, he thanks George, of course. George having a great night. Thanks Alexander Payne standing right next to him, holding a globe. Alex Payne thanks Hawaii. Thank you, Hawaii!
10:57: Drunken Ricky Gervais says, “I hope that took your mind off the recession.” So random!
GOOD NIGHT ALL! Sleep off your drunken stupors! xoxoxo