Hey y’all! Are you ready for some OS-CARS?? This year, Billy Crystal hosts, Meryl Streep, Glenn Close, Nick Nolte, Christopher Plummer and Martin Scorsese number among the celebrated nominees…. WTF is it 1985?? Yes, the Academy is going retro, celebrating the history of movies, and not just by lauding “The Artist” and “Hugo.” Yeah, there are some newbies and left-field pics, but those kinda feel like shots in the dark at attempting to stay relevant (Rooney Mara, so edgy right now). Who could forget the breaking news from this week that the Academy is only old white men? TOTAL SHOCKER. But we will attempt to find some fun in the proceedings, and dream of a George Clooney and Tilda Swinton hosted ceremony, where they perform a song and dance routine in matching tuxedos… what, oh sorry I drifted off into a daydream there. Instead, we will try and muddle through Crystal’s hosting and focus on the positives, even though we’re STILL bitter about the spurning of Fassy and Charlize. Hopefully Sacha Baron Cohen brings the pain as The Dictator on the red carpet. Won’t you join us for the good, the bad and the glittery?
11:42: And that’s your Oscars! Harvey Weinstein cleans up AGAIN (“The Artist,” “Iron Lady,” “Undefeated”), dude’s gonna have a good night. Thanks for joining everyone, twas fun. Now, go to bed!
11:40: Pharrell Williams and Hans Zimmer as music producers– gotta wonder what that first meeting was like. Random!
11:38: Jean Dujardin and Uggie could not be cuter! And Michel’s thank you speech to Berenice. Aw.
11:37: I appreciate the French for bringing so much man kissing to the Oscars.
11:36: “THE ARTIST” takes it! Of course. And Harvey almost took Thomas Langmann’s arm off with that high five.
11:34: The final montage: the Best Picture Montage.
11:33: Tom Cruise is presenting Best Pic? Huwhaaa?? Dude does NOT age! What the hell Scientology Fountain of Youth does he have access to?
11:30: Wow, Meryl is so self-aware about all of our collective reactions to her winning, but she don’t care. Gotta love that broad even if she is overrated for this award. I mean, I guess 30 years is long enough between Oscars to win. Kinda love that she is teary and overwhelmed after all these laurels.
11:29: Oscar goes to Meryl, of course. She totes made out with her husbo too.
11:29: Aw, Michelle Williams is getting all breathy while Firth talks about their first time working together, she was 12, he was 35.
11:27: Colin’s speech about “Mamma Mia” to Meryl is amazing. “We danced, I was gay, I probably fathered your own child. It was confusing times.”
11:26: Zach G.’s girlfriend, secrets secrets are no fun, when you are caught on camera during Rooney’s reaction shot.
11:24: Now Colin Firth gets to pontificate on the Best Actress noms. Ahhh, Albert Nobbs flashback, nooooo.
11:20: Oscar Moment Alert: Jean Dujardin shouting in French at the ceiling.
11:19: Please let “The Artist” keep winning so Jean Dujardin and Michel Hazanavicius can keep making out with each other’s necks. Love that Jean gave us a little Oscars history lesson.
11:18: HOLY SHIT. JEAN DUJARDIN! VIVE LA FRANCE!
11:18: Brad Pitt for Best Wearing of Unflattering Pleated Pants.
11:17: Jean or George? George or Jean? WHO WILL IT BE? Quit with the speecifying and get to envelope ripping, Portman!
11:14: Mmmkay, so Natalie Portman gets to give a little speech about all the Best Actors. And we get a clip reel too! Please please please do your dork laugh, Nat.
11:12: These talking heads things are getting increasingly grating and self-congratulatory.
11:11: What I wouldn’t give for a Tilda Swinton cutaway right about now. Always thinking of U, Tildly. Miss you and love you.
11:05: Very classy death montage this year. Enjoying the whitescape background. I wonder how they choose who gets lines. And why is Steve Jobs in this? Elizabeth Taylor Cleopatra wink to top it off, very classy. She wins!
11:04: Let’s GO DEATH MONTAGE! Who is this singing?? Oh, Esperanza Spalding. “Who?” seems to be the continuous reaction to her.
11:00: Homestretch, people, so with the director win in place, seems like “The Artist” will sweep the big awards.
10:58: Oprah and Meryl in gold– trend alert for the mature lady!
10:55: Billy intros greatest actress of our time/award hoarder Meryl Streep, who presents the honorary Oscars. Why can’t we see James Earl Jones and Dick Smith on the real telecast??
10:53: Michel Hazanavicius takes Best Director, no surprise there. Poor Marty. But I appreciated that shot of Jean Dujardin kissing up on his neck though. This is kind of amazing, he thanks “Uggie, ze dog,” and he also thanks “ze movie.”
10:50: Michael Douglas pontificates on Best Director, yo are we at this stage in the game already?
10:45: Animated short goes to “Fantastic Flying Books.” Totes called it.
10:44: Doc short subject… dude is like “I should let the Pakistani talk… but” and then blah blah blahs.
10:42: I was just saying “who wrote this?” when Rose Byrne and Melissa McCarthy pulled mini bottles of Grey Goose out of their cleav for a drinking game– awesome.
10:41: I could not be more charmed by the father-daughter duo accepting the award for best live action short.
10:39: The Bridesmaids come out to present the shorts and make a variety of short penis jokes. Keeping it exciting for this trio of awards.
10:37: Milla presents her presentation of the technical awards and sounds like she’s been hitting the sauce or something.
10:30: Woody Allen takes Original Screenplay for “Midnight in Paris.” Not there, of course.
10:30: Oscars, get it together, is there feedback on the mic?
10:27: Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay goes to “The Descendants.” Guys, the dean from “Community” is now an Oscar winning writer. Of course Alexander Payne dominates the whole speech.
10:25: Billy intro’s Angelina Jolie as “the original girl with the Dragon Tattoo,” so true. She femme fatales it out and displays some leg.
10:19: Brett MacKenzie wins Best Song for “The Muppets”! Yay, Flight of the Conchords! But they nommed the wrong song from the movie.
10:18: This giant music stand is insanely hideous. I love Ferrell and Zach G. though.
10:17: Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis in white tails and cymbals. Everything about this is already amazing.
10:12: Just gonna move on from Billy Crystal, WTF, and now Owen Wilson and Pen Cruz are presenting Best Score. Oscar goes to “The Artist!” Take that, Kim Novak! Apparently Ludovic Bource has no official training and learned music from playing the accordion. Amazing. Thanks Robot Lady voice!
10:10: Academy president speech, wine refill time!
10:08: Great, Billy Crystal is doing a psychic routine with nominees and famous people in the audience, retreading a lot of the same old jokes. LOL at the Scorsese and Nolte bits, though. Damn you, Crystal.
10:04: We need to talk about the weird classical techno band in the balcony next to Shelia E and Pharrell.
10:03: Jonah Hill needs to work on his reaction shot stank face problem. Oh yeah. and every second of Plummer’s speech is golden. I love that he always calls his agents, “agent provacateurs.” Best best BEST speech of the night.
10:01: Oscar goes to Christopher Plummer! No surprise there. Cannot believe this is his first Oscar, AND at 82 he is the oldest actor to win an Oscar ever. Standing O indeed! He says to the statue: “you’re only two years older than me darling, where have you been all my life?” Speech is already the best!
9:58: Melissa Leo in sparkly cap sleeves (no, I am not letting this one go). She’s presenting Supporting Actor. Ken Branagh and Evan Mac are total doppelgangers, no?
9:56: Put it on the board! “Hugo” takes it and we are at 5 for the film.
9:55: Way to bring some entertainment to the Visual Effects awards presentation. Stiller was a pretty good straight man too.
9:53: Hahahaha Emma Stone is infinity taller than Ben Stiller. She’s soaking up this First Time Award Presenting thing. Best presenter of the night by far. BY FAR. And she just made a “Superbad” reference to buddy Jonah Hill. AMAZING.
9:46: Best Animated Featured goes to “Rango!” Gore Verbinski, come on up here and accept your first Oscar.
9:45: The crowd greets Chris Rock like “please God, take over this ship, save us from this torture.”
9:41: RDJ does a bit with a steadicam pretending to do a “bleeding edge” doc called “The Presenter.” Gwyneth’s bitchy routine is scarily realistic. Guess what, they present Best Doc to…. “Undefeated.” (PS. RDJ’s Formal Crazy Glasses get crazier every year). Hey, these young whippersnappers were the first to get played off.
9:39: Obligatory Oscar dance routine is the best Seventh Inning Stretch. Also, I am just choosing to ignore Billy Crystal’s groan-inducing jokes.
9:39: Jean Dujardin amused by the contortionist perched on his armrest.
9:38: What are we watching? They should at least have Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen tripping on mushrooms doing commentary.
9:34: Kermit and Piggy introduce the Cirque du Soleil “going to the movies” routine. Um, oh my god “North by Northwest” aerialists. Do I hate this or is it awesome? Let me know.
9:33: True confessions time: I laughed at the ABC TV comedies ad with all the iconic film lines.
9:28: Time for sound mixing…. “Hugo” again! We are at 4 for “Hugo,” we predicted 5 for “Hugo,” so they will probably at least get up to that.
9:26: And now for sound editing…. “Drive” gets ROBBED and “Hugo” takes it. Okay, fine, whatever.
9:22: Tina Fey and B. Coops present Editing aka the loveless marriage between a director and editor. The Oscar goes to… Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall from “Girl With a Dragon Tattoo.” Total surprise– was not expecting that. Amazing, one of them just said “there’s the Roons!” and pointed at Rooney Mara. Then they mumbled some awkwardness, and said “let’s get out of here, we’re editors!” Why is everyone cutting off their own speeches? Band ain’t got nothing to do!
9:20: People, why are we doing a “Wizard of Of” focus group sketch with the Christopher Guest Players? This show needs to move! Nine Best Picture noms! Only okay because of the genius Christopher Guest Players. Put them on the list for Oscar wishlist hosts. And less Billy Crystal bad humor time.
9:18: Yo, is Billy Crystal’s garbage comedy routine racist?
9:13: Octavia gets a standing O from the crowd. She’s so adorable and crying. And oh my goodness, she cuts herself off because she is freaking out. Has that ever happened in the history of the Oscars?
9:09: Billy Crystal makes a crack about Christian Bale’s eyeline… OH DANG NO HE DINT. Quickly, cut to Nick Nolte and his long haired companion! He’s presenting Supporting Actress, I have to admit I enjoy these little performance clips, just go with the classic, screw all those weird friend intro thingies. Christian presents Best Supporting Actress to… OCTAVIA! Woo!
9:06: Sandra Bullock is presenting Foreign Film, she busts out her fluent German skills… the Oscar goes to “A Seperation,” no surprise there. And whyyy did they cut to Spielberg’s reaction shot for so long? Awkward technical director fail there, buddy.
9:00: Stars reflecting on their first moviegoing experience montage. Montage montage montage. Movies movies movies. People, go to the movies in theaters, that is what this montage is saying. Please give us money. Adam Sandler’s got a thing for Connery’s chest hair apparently, and it seems Brad Pitt is aching to do a commentary for the Gargantuas.
8:57: Here we go for makeup… I mean “Albert Nobbs” is gonna take this… what?? “The Iron Lady” straight SWIPES that award. Also, can we talk about how J.Lo and C. Di did that little booty turn around thing? Is this gonna be loosey goosey like the Globes?
8:54: Billy’s 14 year old boy humor is not funny. Here’s his “recurring dream” Cammie D. and J. Lo presenting costume design. The winner is… Mark Bridges for “The Artist.”
8:51: So, I love a montage, but what the hell theme is this montage? Famous movies?
8:47: Um, exsqueeze me is that Sheila E playing the drums in a random balcony? God, I love these WTF shots going to commercial.
8:45: Time for Best Art Direction and Set Design… still reeling from this order switchup. Back to “Hugo”! It goes to long time Scorsese production designer Dante Ferretti. Who is this crazy blonde Italian lady?
8:44: “Hugo” takes cinematography. Robert Richardson’s silver mane is sooo working for me.
8:42: Here comes newly minted Silver Fox Tom Hanks. He shouted out 59 year seat filler vet Carl Swabo in a POWDER BLUE TUX. Amazing. He’s presenting BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY!?!?!? WHAT!?!? Do not switch this up on me!
8:41: Couldn’t they spring for some showgirls for this? He’s now shouting “THAT’S 9! THAT’S 9!”
8:38: Here comes this old song routine. I mean, I guess if you want to go for Least Offensive vs. Potentially Most Offensive (Ratner/Murphy) this is what you get. Not gonna lie, I enjoyed the walk up to Scorsese. He’s so adorable. This is probably killing it with the over 75 crowd. Snooooooze.
8:37: James Earl Jones reaction shot FTW. This monologue is sooo Billy Crystal standard.
8:36: Meryl in GOLD! Why didn’t we see her on the carpet?
8:33: NO JUSTIN BIEBER AT THE OSCARS! In “Midnight in Paris” no less. Do you think that’s the first time he has said the word “Hemingway”? And why does it sound like his voice is changing? Isn’t he like 18? They are really working overtime to stuff every movie in this thing.
8:31: Billy Crystal is doing the old insert-himself-into-all-the-movies routine. Didn’t this die with the 2000 MTV Movie Awards?
8:30: Morgan Freeman introducing the show, a wink from Freeman is like Christmas.
8:26: Here we gooooo…. after these messages.
8:25: Chris Rock and Brad Pitt are vying for this year’s George Clooney Memorial Terrible Hair at the Oscars Award.
8:24: Why are they boring us with this technical director garbage?
8:23: Brian Grazer is a miniature elf. OMG HE CONFIRMED AN OPENING MEDLEY AND A CIRQUE DU SOLEIL NUMBER.
8:22: Woah, that moment with Tom Hanks was kind of bizarre. Love the gray goatee and double breasted tux jacket though. He is giving a tour of the backstage. Tom Hanks = King of the Oscars.
8:16: So I was watching the ABC broadcast but apparently there was an ashes incident on E! with Sacha Baron Cohen aka the Dictator so we were DENIED his presence on ABC. Shenanigans. Dammit. Thank God for Youtube.
8:13: Sandra Bullock in cap sleeves. I called the trend. I CALLED IT.
8:12: No to Brad Pitt’s hair. That guy was really excited to be standing next to him too.
8:12: Stacy Keibler dressed as the Oscar statuette. Clooney will have two gold statues later in the evening (Stacy and Oscar).
8:06: Holy God, I am obsessed with Glenn Close’s tuxedo gown thingy right now. I’m sure her publicists were like, “we need to make you look as womanly as possible.”
8:05: Gwyneth Paltrow looks amazing, I hate to say. And apparently she is BFF with Cammie D. BREAKING NEWS?
8:03: I literally just shoutgroaned OHMYGOD when I saw Bradley Cooper’s mustache. He looks like Freddie Mercury. I wish you could have heard it.
8:02: Jason Segel and Nick Stoller are red carpet BFFs on the red carpet too.
8:01: Cammie D. Just not into it. Maybe cause I finally saw “Bad Teacher.”
8:00: WTF this isn’t happening for another 30 minutes?
7:57: Penny Cruz going super old school glamour in a ginormous lavender number. Kind of ages her up a bit, though. Like maybe Meryl Streep should wear this instead of whatever frumpety old thing she pulls out of her closet.
7:54: Yesss, Galifianakis. He looks thin. And says he is wearing Garanimals. I think he has been waylaid in the Architectural Digest Green Room. He’s presenting tonight. YES to the awkward humor at the Oscars.
7:53: NOLTE! Nolte Nolte Nolte. Rocking sunglasses and is that a plaid bowtie? He’s actually like so confused by this British gal. Pet birds?
7:51: OH MY GOD what is J.Lo wearing?? She’s serving Oscars 1977 realness.
7:47: Nina Garcia just breathlessly declared “God is in the details” when discussing the little bow broach on Michelle Williams’ gown. Ok, people. It’s a gown.
7:45: That was the sound of all the panties in Los Angeles dropping as Jean Dujardin busts out his French accent on the red carpet. I think he just said he loves cinnamon rolls? And Robin Roberts is verklempt.
7:44: Pulling out the chubby precocious child card with “Modern Family” kid. NOPE.
7:42: Britishy Britishness with Colin Firth and this red carpet Brit bird. Totally scared of his wife’s voluminous red gown. Too much red.
7:41: Nice to see Tina Fey working a different silhouette in this plum Carolina Herrera number. And NO, everyone stop calling for a Billy Crystal song and dance number.
7:39: “Bridesmaids” screenplay nominees Annie Mumolo and Kristen Wiig seem a little bewildered. I’m calling another trend: nude dresses. And red carpet BFFs.
7:38: WHERE IS THE DICTATOR???? IS ABC BOYCOTTING HIM?? NO!!!
7:35: And now here is Melissa McCarthy with her mominee. I don’t want to be a hater, but this mominee’s jacket is a little rough on the eyes. Melissa looks lovely in blush drapery. She’s really cute with her mominee (no, I won’t stop saying that).
7:32: Mominees… I would enjoy this segment if it was not called mominees.
7:31: Hello, all gentleman, here is Christopher Plummer to SCHOOL your asses in a velvet jacket. Rowr rowr Captain Von Trapp fantasies… this silver fox has. Still. Got. IT.
7:30: Not totally sure about Michelle Williams’s floofy, ruffled, coral number. Just not sure at all.
7:28: I am LIVING for Viola Davis with natural short hair. In emerald Vera Wang. WORK.
7:25: I wonder what Bruce Villanch is up to right now. Putting on his tuxedo tee? Short anecdote: I saw Bruce Villanch in West Hollywood on Monday night. He looked… Villanchian.
7:22: Oh, Emma Stone straight MURDERING the red carpet game. She described her dress as “Giambatista Valli, it’s fuschia, and it’s got a bow!” She = best.
7:21: Nevermind Milla (a little birdie told me she hosted the tech awards), but WHY is the Prince of Monaco here?
7:16: So, whyyyyy is Milla Jovovich here?
7:15: Let’s relive all the Worst Dressed Oscar moments with all these designers.
7:13: Jessica Chastain is KILLING it in gold and black brocade, loose wavy hair and winged eyeliner. LURVE.
7:11: Rooney Mara is so Method, she’s still in character. Do you think David Fincher put it in her contract that she has to stay in character through awards season? Also she HATES football so STFU Robin Roberts.
7:09: Glimpse of The Dictator arriving!
7:07: Glittery cap sleeves on Maya Rudolph! Calling the trend now. She is our second choice to host the Oscars (after Cloonton).
7:06: Jonah Hill in the black on black, and with his matching mom on his arm.
7:04: Enjoying the cap sleeves on Octavia Spencer’s draped rhinestone encrusted gown.
7:02 Oh, the Architectural Digest green room. Can only imagine the debauchery that place is going to see tonight. Bets on who will defile the Architectural Digest Green Room first?
7:01 Thank God Robin Roberts is here to class up the joint. And hot British gal. I approve.
6:56: These red carpet reporters are absolutely ridiculous. Why are they in a helicopter wearing headsets?
6:55: Rooney Mara continues to be terrifying. Terrifying bangs.
6:52: Michelle Williams and Busy Phillips’ Best Friend Red Carpet Date thing is so adorable. I’m all about it. I’m all about Michelle Williams pixie cut too.