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An Open Letter To John Travolta

An Open Letter To John Travolta

Dear John,

I’m sorry you are having such a really bad week. 

First, an unidentified male masseur sued you for a trio of things no one likes to be sued for: assault, sexual battery and intentional infliction of emotional distress. And he sure didn’t leave out any details, did he? Those documents he filed read like a porno directed by Todd Solondz!

“Travolta, had removed his draping and was masturbating. Travolta’s penis was fully erect, and was roughly 8 inches in length, and his pubic hair was wirey and unkempt. Sweat was pouring down Travolta’s neck, and he asked Plaintiff again to say something nice to him”

Yikes! Wirey and unkempt? Don’t you have some “Wild Hogs” money left to get you a nice electric trimmer? Though look on the bright side… Now everyone knows you have an 8 inch penis!

But while it’s genuinely possible this dude was simply great at writing disturbing erotic fiction, it don’t look so good now that today another masseur has come forward, saying he has substantial documentation and numerous witnesses “regarding the substance” of your actions.

But look, in all seriousness: I feel really fucking sorry for you. I bet you’re pretty messed up. Who knows what you’ve seen and done and gone through over the past 35 years you’ve been an on-again-off-again star.  Or what Xenu and his buddies have put you through. It can’t be easy, and — if what these two masseurs are saying is true — you clearly have fallen into a place of remarkably poor judgement.

First of all, why a massage? That’s clearly not what you wanted. Why not take a page from 95% of Hollywood and discreetly get yourself a prostitute. They probably won’t sue you when you show them your boner.

And did you really need to go all “Battlefield Earth” on this dude when he clearly was not receptive to your advances? That’s not how you make friends, John!

I just gotta warn you: Shit might be about to go down. It’s not cool to sexually assault people, and you might not be able to dance your way out of this one.  If what these men are saying is true, the jig might indeed be up. And if that ends up being the case, I think it’s probably time you take a long, hard look at yourself and decide to finally take the high road. And I know that must sound really fucking scary. But it really does get better, John. Look at Neil Patrick Harris! Coming out was the best thing he could have ever done for his career.  And let’s face it. You’re not “Saturday Night Fever” Travolta anymore. Or “Pulp Fiction” Travolta. You are “Old Dogs” Travolta and there’s really nowhere to go but up. So if you are indeed gay, coming out — and apologizing in a Oprah’s couch kind of way for what you did to those dudes (blame emotional stress! it’s a 100% valid excuse all things considered!) — might give you some career longevity. And, more importantly, some peace of mind.


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