Barbed Wire is the place where Criticwire celebrates the art of the pan. Here’s where you’ll find the roughest, toughest, funniest reviews, with easy access links to both article and author so you can follow more of their work.
Johnny Depp and Tim Burton are back! The guys you loved from “Edward Scissorhands” and “Ed Wood,” and then mildly enjoyed from “Sleepy Hollow” and “Corpse Bride,” and then begrudgingly tolerated from “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” and “Alice in Wonderland” have a new movie: “Dark Shadows,” based on the supernatural ’60s soap opera that quiet guy you went to college with loved. Depp and Burton have made more movies together than almost every other actor/director pairing in history, but critics don’t seem to think that’s a good thing. Given their track record, maybe Depp and Burton should just stick to movies about guys named Edward.
Here are ten great lines from ten bad reviews of “Dark Shadows.”
“When Tim Burton and Johnny Depp decided, ‘Oh, wouldn’t it be fun to make a movie out of the campy ’60s TV show ‘Dark Shadows’,’ the correct response should have been the following three words: ‘Wild Wild West.’”
“Not the worst movie that Tim Burton has ever made, but that’s only because there’s nothing worse than ‘Alice in Wonderland.'”
“The formula is all that matters, you see. ‘Tim Burton’ + ‘Johnny Depp’ + ‘remake of something you’ve heard of’ = ‘instant blockbuster.'”
“Illustrates the fine line in a pop reboot between ‘relaxed’ and ‘lazy.'”
“The movie plays as if Hollywood executives said, hey, a ‘Dark Shadows’ movie would be a fun project — and never looked in on it again.”
“Like sucking blood from a corpse.”
“‘Dark Shadows’ looks as beguiling as a deserted mansion on a lonely hill, but it’s every bit as empty, and permeated by an unmistakably musty niff.”
“Burton, specifically, maybe needs to take a step back and try to remember what made him so excited about working in the movies in the first place. Because that goth kid who always felt like such an outsider? He now sells insurance to movie stars, and he’s not nearly as good at it as he used to be.”
“Manages in two hours what the TV show took six years to do: become irrelevant and remembered only for how sloppy it was.”
“[Burton and Depp] should bury all thoughts of future collaborations. Maybe not for 200 years, but for a long, long time.”
“Dark Shadows” opens in wide release tomorrow.