This week marks the less-than-eagerly awaited release of “Alex Cross,” which sees inexplicably popular drag artist Tyler Perry take up the mantle of the titular police psychologist played by Morgan Freeman in “Kiss The Girls” and “Along Came A Spider.” There are many amusing/baffling things about the film, but perhaps first among them is the poster tagline: “Don’t Ever Cross Alex Cross.” Presumably thought up by a frazzled intern during a toilet break after alternatives like ‘Don’t Make Alex Cross Cross,” “You’re Across From A. Cross” and “Cross Alex Cross Alex Cross Cross Cross,” it’ll be impressive if anything dumber appears on a movie poster this year.
To pay tribute to the so-dumb-it’s-brilliant splendor of the line, we’ve picked out ten of our favorite bizarre, ridiculous or just plain crappy tag-lines from the past, and you can check them out over the next few pages. Did we miss your favorite? Let us know in the comments section.
1. “The Day Of The Dolphin”
“Unwittingly, he trained a dolphin to kill the President of the United States.”
Look, it was a silly premise anyway, but it’s not really doing itself any favors with the word “unwittingly” (the film, directed by Mike Nichols, is kind of fun, though).
We almost feel sorry for poor the self-esteem of “Earthquake.” Was “Airport” bullying it or something?
“Slow Justice Is No Justice.”
We really hope no one at CBS Films’ marketing department ever has to do jury service.
4. “The Flesh Eaters”
“The only people who will not be STERILIZED with FEAR are those among you who are already DEAD!”
Sterilized? You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“Hombre means man. Paul Newman is Hombre.”
Thanks for clearing that one up. We hope we get a knock-off of this for the poster for the “Arrested Development” movie. “Hermano means brother. Michael Bluth is Hermano.”
“Nobody does it better… thirteen times.”
We can’t quite pinpoint what’s grammatically wrong with this sentence, but there’s definitely something up. Also, “Octopussy” was ten Bond films ago?
7. “Running With Scissors”
“Don’t disturb them. They already are.”
Wait, what? And yet, somehow the tagline is still better than the movie.
8. “Silent Rage”
“Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him.”
Sadly, the plot of the film doesn’t actually involve the actor Chuck Norris having to track down and kill a test-tube baby, so it could only ever be a let down.
9. “The Specialist”
“The government taught him to kill. Now he’s using his skills to help a woman seek revenge against the Miami underworld.”
Guys, that’s not a tagline, that’s a treatment.
10. “Tourist Trap”
“Every year young people disappear.”
This definitely feels like another line got left off by mistake.