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Stream These: 10 Worst Date Movies for Valentine’s Day

Stream These: 10 Worst Date Movies for Valentine's Day

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Magnolia Pictures (tongue firmly in cheek) released their domestic trailer for Lars von Trier’s epic sexual downer “Nymphomaniac,” inspiring us at Indiewire to come up with a list of ten of the worst date movies to watch with your loved one on the biggest date night of the year. All of our picks are available to stream online. List your picks for your worst date movies below in the comments section.

Really, just about any Lars von Trier film would do for a list of bad date movies, and from the looks of it, “Nymphomaniac” doesn’t seem likely to change that. But it might be hard for even a director as brazen as Lars to top “Antichrist,” which shows a couple (Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg) grieving over the death of their son and retreating to a cabin in the woods. There’s a lot of unsettling psychosexual and (possibly autocritical) misogynistic material at play here that makes it a rough viewing experience single, let alone with a date. And that’s before all of the really bad stuff happens, including not one but two instances of genital trauma that’ll put a damper on the romantic mood for most couples.
Where to Watch: Netflix

One of the most shocking Oscar-nominees in recent memory (not to mention most unlikely), Yorgos Lanthimos’s black comedy “Dogtooth” is still deeply unnerving nearly five years following its debut. The story of a family who keep their children isolated from and ignorant of the outside world, the film is like a chocolate box of mood killers: self-performed tooth-removal, self-harm, beatings, prostitution, and incest, to name a few. Cat-loving couples in particular might want to steer clear.
Where to Watch: SnagFilms

“The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover”
Peter Greenaway has never been the warmest director around, even at his most (relatively) accessible. His cult film “The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover” stars Michael Gambon as a sadistic crook who takes over the restaurant of Richard Bohringer’s head chef. Gambon’s wife (a never-better Helen Mirren) despises him, and meets and falls for a bookshop owner (Alan Howard), with whom she arranges secret trysts with in the backrooms of the restaurant. These are brief moments of respite and sensuality, however, in a film that follows lovemaking with graphic sadism of the worst kinds: torture, murder, and cannibalism.
Where to Watch: Netflix

Noah Baumbach is the king of the brutally awkward comedy, and 2010’s “Greenberg” might be his most awkward. Ben Stiller plays the prickliest and most unlikeable jerk in Baumbach’s collection of curmudgeons, a black cloud of a person whose behavior tests the patience of everyone he comes into contact with. Greta Gerwig (whose next project with boyfriend and creative partner Baumbach, “Frances Ha,” might work a bit better on Valentine’s Day) co-stars as the effervescent woman who Greenberg alternatingly walks all over and declares his affection for. Baumbach allows for the possibility that Stiller and Gerwig’s relationship might not be hopeless, but not before some spectacularly uncomfortable scenes between the two, including unsolicited oral sex and more than a few scenes that turns Gerwig into Stiller’s verbal punching bag.
Where to Watch: Netflix

“The Honeymoon Killers”
Well, it isn’t without romance – just without anything that’ll most people feel good about romance. Based on the true story of Martha Beck and Raymond Fernandez (Shirley Stoler and Tony Lo Bianco), a couple who conned and then murdered as many as twenty women in the 1940s. Leonard Kastle’s sole foray into filmmaking still retains its grungy power and ability to disturb 40 years later, with Lo Bianco’s smooth-talking sociopath and Stoler’s lovelorn, manipulated nurse murdering a pregnant woman, an elderly woman, and a widow and her daughter, among others. To top it all off, it isn’t even a happy union between killers (not that that’d make it any more bearable), with Lo Bianco cheating on Stoler left and fright.
Where to Watch: Hulu Plus

“Fatal Attraction”
There’s no doubt, even twenty-seven years later, how big of a ripple effect this thriller had on every married man in America. Most of the credit is justifiably due to a stellar Oscar-nominated performance by Glenn Close, whose sultry bare-breasted performance was enticing enough to win over her male viewers, but whose quick turn to psychotic stalker was enough to instill a sense of terror and shame that will inevitably kill any possible romantic urge you might have.
Where to Watch: Netflix

“American Psycho”
The film’s touch of satire might get lost somewhere among its vulgarities and brutalities. Despite the array of beautiful women throughout the movie and the suave charm of Christian Bale’s Patrick Bateman, there’s no getting around the fact that the only thing less romantic in this world than the gruesome murders of innocent young women is watching grown men fondle their own business cards.
Where to Watch: Hulu

“There Will Be Blood”
Daniel Day-Lewis’ towering performance is never to be taken for granted, but even he can’t make up for the long, dark, dreary story of oil prospecting in early 20th century that has him scaring the living daylights out of clueless townsfolk (when he’s not just plain killing them off) or the fact that this movie is a sure way to remind someone how awful human beings can be – and how differently you’ll drink a milkshake after watching it.
Where to Watch: Netflix

“Super Size Me”
Documentaries are always a risky choice for romantic dates, but perhaps never riskier when watching a man you never heard of stuff his face on a daily basis with food that he is compelled to show you is disgusting. It’s a great documentary, mind you, but for anyone who plans to follow up their movie with a romantic dinner, neurosis and nausea will inevitably abound.
Where to Watch: SnagFilms

Maybe it’s not fair to say that this is a terrible V-Day movie when there’s never really a good day to see it, but between the unbelievable premise and the fact that it stars Tara Reid in an abysmal performance, “Sharknado” promises to disappoint on more levels than any romantic evening could possibly compensate for.
Where to Watch: Netflix

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