David Sedaris took to Reddit yesterday to promote the tour he’s about to embark on for his latest book “Let’s Explore Diabetes With Owls,” and it was expectedly amazing. Read the whole thing here, but here’s some highlights:
What’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to anyone including yourself?
“I hope you die alone.” I said that to my father when I was 13. And I’ve thought about it ever since. I don’t think he remembers it, because as a parent of 6 kids, you’re gonna hear a lot of things like that. But my fear is that my father will die alone. And…I’ll be forced, for the rest of my life, to think about that terrible thing that I said. Does anyone know a woman who might want to marry my father and stay by his side night and day? He’s 92.
I saw you in Orono, Maine in 2011. You signed a postcard that said “Abortions $3″ for my girlfriend with the inscription “A special price just for Kait.” I seriously considered taking it back when we broke up, but I chose to be mature instead. I regret that choice.
I thought about having more of those made, but then it felt too much like…taking a step back. I’d like to have a NEW series of postcards made, maybe for my next tour. Those were pretty good though. “Abortions, $3.” That is an amazing price for an abortion. At that price, you can’t afford NOT to have an abortion!
Mr. Sedaris, what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever considered writing about, but decided it wouldn’t fit well in one of your books?
I have a tumor on my side, it’s completely harmless, it’s called a lipoma, I want to have it surgically removed, and I want to feed it to a snapping turtle. This is something I want to write about. But in America, it’s against federal law to give you a tumor removed from your body. And snapping turtles only live in North America. What am I to do?
What’s the oddest interaction you’ve had with a fan?
A woman in June, during my paperback tour, gave me an owl made of a pinecone and her daughter’s teeth. She said “I understand you’re on a tour, and you can just throw this away if you have to” but it was made of her daughter’s teeth, so I couldn’t throw it away! So I brought it home and put it in my curio cabinet, which is exactly where it belonged. She said “I wanted to use some of the molars, I thought they would make good talons, but she hasn’t lost those yet.”
What’s one thing you wished you knew about writing when you first started out?
I wish I’d understood that people were actually going to read what I wrote. For some reason, that came as the biggest surprise to me! I got that they would buy the books, I would see them at the cash register, handing over their money. That I understood. But it never occurred to me that they would actually read them. That’s terrifying. Especially when you get older as a writer and you look back at things that you wrote 30 years ago, it’s so embarrassing for you, and the thought that somebody in Lincoln, Nebraska, is reading that right now… makes me want to cry BLOOD.
What’s the oddest thing you’ve seen in an airport recently?
The strangest thing I’ve seen in an airport. OH. I was at Heathrow, and I saw a blind fellow who had no holes for his eyes, it was all just skin there. Well, that’s the nice thing, you could stare and you didn’t have to worry you could get caught! It was such a good look. It’s just a good look. I think if I were blind, I would say “Just cover ‘em over. Just pave ‘em with flesh.” Because it’s a really good look.
David – does Amy really put marbles in the medicine cabinets before guests come over? Dying to know.
Because I live in Europe, I haven’t been there for one of her dinner parties in a number of years. I can tell you, though, that she didn’t do it last night.