Lifetime knows that when they make a film starring Letoya Luckett and Method Man, Black Twitter is certain to give it the ratings it desires, if even only to deride the film the entire time. Unfortunately, this film is such a dud, it’s not even worth the memes.
Directed by Princess Monique, “Seasons of Love” is a tedious love story that doesn’t have the drama nor excitement of even ten minutes on the F train. It opens with Ms. Angie (Gladys Knight going through the motions) and Pop (the lovable Richard Portnow) celebrating their kazillionth wedding anniversary at their restaurant in NYC.
Ms. Angie and Pop’s dopey light skinned, pretty-eyed son Amir (Cleo Anthony) is never embarrassed by the constant remarks by his family members of how he needs to get a girl. But he is the BFF of some spicy, annoying Latina, Randi (Ana Isabelle, who looks uncomfortable in every sexy outfit) so he’s just that kinda good boy, waiting for love. Randi whines to him about leaving her seemingly awful boyfriend Big Rob (Method Man) but won’t, because he is promising her a record deal. Yawn. She sings twice in the film, so we know she’s not getting that deal.
Kyla (the able Letoya Luckett) is a friend of a friend of a friend and shows up to Ms. Angie and Pop’s anniversary party, but she is in a white pants suit, and on her cell phone the whole night, discussing her possible merger to become a Fortune 500 company, which we never hear details about. We’re supposed to dislike her because she’s single and putting her career first, as her married bestie, Imani (Shannon Kane from “All My Children”), encourages her to meet one of the men at the party, like her eggs are going to dry up at midnight. Kyla and Amir have a few brief encounters, but nothing that warrants their friends and family pushing them toward each other like they’re on the Make-a-Wish List.
Of course, there is a tragedy in Amir’s family that pushes him and Kyla closer together. We don’t know what they even see in each other, and there is no chemistry, but we are supposed to believe that they are in love. Amir even asks her to move in together… but into her apartment. I didn’t know that’s how it works. She gives in, but it seems that Kyla isn’t as invested as Amir.
Soon, we find out why. Her ex boyfriend Miles (Robert Christopher Riley), is “stalking” her. We don’t know what the threat is, but we’re supposed to be worried because Kyla is tense whenever he comes around. And he’s dark-skinned, so even though they went to college together, he’s some kind of animal they never explain.
Method Man’s Big Rob is the highlight of the film. He is some kind of music producer or executive or something that isn’t really clear, but he speaks in fun colloquials and has great energy, especially with the absolutely awful, ratchet Asian gold digger Tweety (played by Elizabeth Ho).
When we find out why Kyla and Miles broke up so long ago—why she’s so “scared” of him—it’s so boring, it doesn’t even matter. Amir and Kyla’s break up to make up isn’t at all interesting because we never believed they were a couple in the first place. Kyla ponders, “Maybe we moved too fast?,” which is so meta, I laughed. She really meant, maybe Lifetime needs to stop throwing together films in two weeks to elicit ratings from those who love a good train wreck.
But with “Seasons of Love,” there’s nothing to see here. So keep it moving.
“Seasons of Love” premieres on Lifetime this Sunday, November 23, at 9pm ET/PT.