Hey, squirrel friends!
Mama Ru is back and she’s brought a fierce pack
of blood thirsty queens with her. You can check back here weekly for our recaps
and readjusted Queenly Rankings.
Now, let’s read these bitches for filth! Or, at
least assign a totally subjective ranking based on their performance in week
All Shade—Here’s the Recap:
As the girls walk into the workroom, everyone
seems unfazed by Sasha Belle’s departure. She left a message, “Ging for the
win!” and at least a few of the girls are displeased. “Opinions are like
assholes,” says Kennedy Davenport in bitter mode. “Everyone has one. But it
don’t count ‘cause she’s gone. Next!”
In fact, the editors waste no time making
Kennedy and Jasmine both seem pretty bitter as they moan about the younger,
pretty girls, saying they hope to see Pearl, Violet, Fame, and Trixie leave.
“I’d love to send all them bitches home in one walk,” spouts Jasmine so
emphatically that I officially dislike her. “Next!” is right.
The next morning finds Mama Ru making her best
entrance ever…on an automated scooter. She explains that even after a queen’s
“charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent”—C.U.N.T. in case you hadn’t caught
up—“gets old, dry, and dusty,” every girl’s gotta have a little life left in
them. So, the 12 remaining contestants are tasked with putting on their best
old lady drag and participating in a soul train dance line: #sissythatwalker!
The mini-challenge stand-outs are definitely
Jaidynn Diore Fierce’s attempt at old-age twerking, Pearl’s Elaine Stritch
realness, Max’s walker lap dance, and Violet’s wholly convincing old-age
The eventual winners are Max and Kennedy
Davenport, so they’ll be picking their teammates for the main challenge of the
week: #ShakesQueer. The queens will be performing in adaptations of two
Shakespearean classics, “Romy and Juliet” and “MacBitch” (which is a fucking
awesome title, and super fun to say).
shake down as follows (in the order in which they were chosen):
Team: Jasmine Masters, Katya, Pearl, Kandy Ho’,
Team: Ginger Minj, Trixie Mattel, Mrs. Kasha Davis,
Jaidynn Diore Fierce, Miss Fame
Violet says she has “no idea” why she is getting
picked last again! Cause you are
still a bitch. You know this. Byeeee.
Once the girls get into groups we realize a few
things. One, Pearl has never even heard of Macbeth
which is deeply disturbing, but she looks cute admitting it (“Call me young,
call me illiterate or whatever…”). Two, Kennedy and Jasmine have it out for
Violet and Violet is not wrong for thinking that—could there be two new top
bitches this season? Three, apparently Max, Trixie, and Ginger have all performed Shakespeare before. Everything
suddenly makes sense.
Max’s team, performing “Romy and Juliet,” is up
first. They are pretty fabulous, especially Max as a kind of southern belle
Juliet and Ginger Minj as a butched up Romy. Then Jaidynn Diore Fierce comes in
and forgets every line she has…and starts to sob. Max calms her down and when
she gets back on track she is very funny. Brava!
Next up, Kennedy’s team performing “MacBitch.”
Train. Wreck. Times one thousand. Pearl does some weird deep voice, I think as
an imitation of a butch coach? Anyway, it is low energy and doesn’t work. Then
Jasmine forgets every line and stumbles over her words when she does get some
out. And everyone else is just awkward and stiff. Whoops! Ru says it is the
worst performance of this kind she’s seen in seven seasons.
For the runway, category is: Bearded and
Beautiful! The guest judges are actress Kat Dennings (Two Broke Girls) and Scary Spice herself, Mel B.
The best: Max’s twisty little white beard, Katya’s Babe-raham Lincoln realness,
Pearl’s devilish red paper mache, Kandy’s long black Rasputin beard
Kennedy’s sad “couple of pubes” beard, Jasmine’s
Max’s team is obviously on top this week, and
Kennedy’s is on the bottom.
Accordingly, this week’s clear winner is…Max!
Huzzah! She deserved it. I don’t know that I have faith in her just yet, and
she wasn’t as spectacular as some of the theater queens from past seasons, but
this week was her’s and she owned it.
After Max’s team leaves the runway, Ru yells at
Kennedy’s team. Like, really yells. “For all you girls up there, I don’t want
to hear any god damn excuses,” she says. “Make it work. Fucking make it
The bottom three are Pearl, Kennedy Davenport,
and Jasmine Masters. “You’ve been sleepwalking,” Ru tells Pearl. “Wake up!” And
I hope she will. Pearl is safe.
Kennedy and Jasmine lip synch to Kylie Minogue’s
“I Was Gonna Cancel” and it’s really uninspiring. Their tight gowns keep them
from doing any real dancing, but I suppose Kennedy is somewhat more poised.
Kennedy Davenport, shantay you stay! Jasmine
Masters, sashay away!
It was her time, and Jasmine says she was happy
that her friend was the one to send her home. I’m also pretty sure that she
would have just gotten meaner and meaner as the season progressed, and I’m not
convinced we won’t see the same happen to Kennedy.
All in all a real downer of an episode that
caused a big shake-up in some of our rankings! (Turn to the next page)
Definitive Ranking of Ru’s Queens (Season 7 Style): For our purposes, the
eliminated queen will be ranked last; everyone else’s spot is fair game!
12. Jasmine Masters —
I am glad that she saved at least a little face
by leaving now because she was just so damn unpleasant. Talented, yes, and a
nice shot of energy, but it was definitely her time.
11. Kennedy Davenport —
The biggest drop in the rankings belongs to Miss
Kennedy, who, I’m afraid, showed her true colors this week. She was rude,
inarticulate, and really dismissive of her teammates, not to mention pretty
lame in her lip synch (which I never would have imagined).
10. Pearl –
I feel like going into the whole Tyra Banks “we
were all rooting for you!” speech, but Pearl’s dull performance thus far
doesn’t even warrant it. I hope she heeds Ru’s advice and wakes up next week.
But hey, at least she’s on the judges’ radar now.
9. Kandy Ho’ —
She improved this week, but I still have no
reason to think she will go far. She was a slightly better part of her awful
team’s performance, and her look was on point, but not incredible.
8. Jaidynn Diore Fierce —
Ru herself applauded Jaidynn for getting out of
her own way and delivering an engaging performance; that indicates that she
could overcome many of this season’s challenges. It also indicates a certain
lack of experience and/or confidence, so I will leave her here for now.
7. Miss Fame —
I thought she was genuinely funny in “Romy and
Juliet,” and her runway look—a red-bearded harlequin get-up—suggested an
underlying intelligence to her aesthetic creations. Overall I am continually
impressed by Miss Fame.
6. Trixie Mattel —
Her performance in the play was neither here nor
there, but her runway look was softer and more traditionally beautiful than
she’s exhibited before. That shows range, and combined with Trixie’s clear
talent, I think she could go far.
5. Mrs. Kasha Davis —
Hilarious once again, with a middle-of-the-road
but polished runway look, Mrs. Davis is a joy to watch. I will be happy if she
sticks it out ‘til the end.
4. Katya —
She is so self-aware and her sense of humor is
always smart and witty. Her looks are killer without being totally costume-y
and she was the best part of her otherwise awful team. Katya’s in it for the
3. Max —
I struggle to place Max this high because, as I
explained, I don’t see her schtick taking her very far. That being said, it was
a strong week for her, she was a friendly, composed leader for her team, and
her runway look was cool and chic. Props.
2. Violet Chachki —
She was dull in “MacBitch,” but she knew her
shit and she delivered it, unlike most everyone else on the team. She also
tried to direct Kennedy, the team leader, toward a better performance, and for
the first time we saw her struggle with the reality that no one likes her. If
Violet turns around her attitude, continues to deliver jaw-dropping looks, and
shows she has talent in other arenas of the competition, she will be a huge
threat for the win.
I just love this little bundle of joy. She is
hilarious: snarky but never rude, and whip smart. Her’s was my favorite overall
performance in “Romy and Juliet” and she is no danger of going home anytime
soon. Basically, she’s chilling, if not excelling. You go, Ginger!