HBO’s “Last Week Tonight with John Oliver” tackled the issue of doping in the Olympics on Sunday by admitting that, in all likelihood, a lot of people probably don’t even care if their country’s Olympic athletes take performance-enhancing drugs.
“If we don’t really care enough to make changes, we should at the very least make our syrupy athlete promos a bit more honest,” Oliver said. Cut to a hilarious sketch with “Veep” star Matt Walsh playing the coach of an Olympic runner named Brandon Schmidt.
“I discovered him sprinting across a playground,” Walsh says. “That’s how I used to find my runners–just hanging out at playgrounds looking for the quickest kid. I can’t do that now of course.”
Going through a typical day in training, Schmidt explains his routine. “First I do cardio, then weights, then it’s just all the pills I can fit into my mouth,” he says. Walsh goes on to list all the bizarre ingredients he’s used to try and improve Schmidt’s performance, from “lizard dick” to “badger balls” to “a five hour energy shot straight into his eyeball.”
The sketch ultimately gives a more accurate description of what it feels like when a doping athlete wins gold. “It would be a Cinderella story,” Schmidt says, “but like, if the slipper didn’t actually belong to Cinderella, and she took a lot of drugs to change the size of her foot to fit into the slipper, and Prince Charming fell for it.”
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Check out the hilarious sketch in its entirely below.