Have you ever seen a movie so bad it made you realize you were dead? The Onion’s film critic has, and it’s “Fifty Shades Freed.” Peter Rosenthal describes the steamy romance as “a film that has brought me to the profound realization that I am dead — I am dead, and as a punishment for my sins I have been trapped in some kind of film purgatory where I’m forced to review these derivative sequels and disposable franchises over and over again.”
Rosenthal briefly snaps out of it from there, describing the franchise-concluding film in more standard terms. It doesn’t last long: The movie’s narrative is “so poorly constructed that, as I watched it, I suddenly shook from my years-long stupor and realized I have never, in all my existence, left this cosmic hell that is this movie-review studio.”
“For as long as I can remember, I’ve been imprisoned here, forced to watch an endless cavalcade of rote, insipid filmmaking — one after another after another. Indeed, this is my whole world. Every DVD that I watch it slipped in on a tray through a crack in the door over there. And recently, for some baffling reason, they’ve also been putting this revolver on it, too.”
He then goes on to reveal that he’s never seen another person, doesn’t eat or sleep, and isn’t even sure that anybody is watching. “Is there a single living soul out there listening?” he asks.
It all derails from there, as Rosenthal gives up the pretense of reviewing “Fifty Shades Freed” and repeatedly asks whether anybody can hear him. Eventually he coughs up a key that finally leads him beyond the confines of his studio; once he’s made it out the door, he’s treated to disorienting strobe lights and a recursive loop that makes him realize he can never truly escape. Watch the full nightmare below.
The Onion Reviews ‘Fifty Shades Freed’ pic.twitter.com/QawqLw0M4K
— The Onion (@TheOnion) February 9, 2018