It’s April Fools’ Day, and you know what that means: The headlines today are slightly less troubling than they are the other 364 days of the year. In 2018, that includes Netflix acquiring Seth Rogen — which is to say, “full ownership of his personal autonomy” — Redbox announcing walk-up movie theaters, and the Criterion Collection re-releasing Jim Jarmusch’s “Stranger Than Paradise” the way he always meant for it to be seen: in glorious 3D.
Netflix Acquires Seth Rogen
“World-renowned Canadian person, prolific marijuana-doer, and winner of the 2015 MTV Movie Award for ‘Best Kiss’ Seth Q. Rogen has entered into a lifetime deal to transfer full ownership of his personal autonomy to Netflix, Inc.
“’I have known Seth for many years,’ said senior Netflix Development Executive Jareth Chumley. ‘After a wrap party in late 2017, Seth approached me and said something like, “Jesus Fucking Christ Jarbear, I would sell my soul for a fuckin enchilada right now.” And so basically that was how the idea was born. In the end we settled on a price a little higher than a standard Chili’s To-Go entree, but I’ll be damned, not by that much.’
“’As a general rule, I don’t really “read” anything before I sign it,’ replied Rogen when asked about the deal, spilling some beer on his own head as he does the finger-symbol equivalent of air quotes. ‘That’s what Danny is for, he handles that for me, mostly,’ gesturing toward an elderly man in a poncho sleeping on the couch behind him. ‘Hey Danny!’ he shouts, unable to wake his senior contract advisor. ‘I really hope he didn’t fuck this up. He’s the reason that ‘Zach and Miri Make a Porno exists.’”
Redbox Announces Walk-Up Movie Theaters
“Redbox, America’s new-release home entertainment authority, will be pranking customers on April [Fools’] Day, Sunday, April 1, with the news of Redbox walk-up movie theatres now being available!”
The Criterion Collection to Re-Release Jim Jarmusch’s “Stranger Than Paradise” in 3D
“The Criterion Collection is proud to announce that it will be releasing one of the landmarks of independent cinema, downtown icon Jim Jarmusch’s epic ode to everything ‘Stranger Than Paradise,’ in the form the filmmaker originally intended.
“While working on Criterion’s upcoming release of ‘Dead Man,’ Jarmusch revealed that his breakthrough film had originally been conceived as a 3D experience. ‘When we originally filmed the movie,’ he said, ‘we tried duct-taping two Bolex cameras together, but at the time we just weren’t able to combine the two images correctly for 3D . . . until now!’
“Criterion’s Jon Mulvaney says that by any measure this will be one of the company’s proudest achievements. ‘Here at Criterion, we’ve always been committed to presenting each film as its maker would want it seen, fully restored, in the correct aspect ratio, and so on, but this isn’t just a matter of a few dirt and scratch fixes or an alternate shot here and there. This is a chance to make a filmmaker’s dream come true.’
“When it was released in 1984, ‘Stranger Than Paradise’ set the standard for immersive indie experiences, but few knew that they had only seen half the film. The secondary camera reels, long thought lost, were discovered in Jarmusch’s basement in stunning mint condition. Scanned in 4K, the reels were composited using state-of-the-art 3D-Lineator® MARK IV™ software to create the ultra-real impression that Jarmusch always hoped for. You can practically smell the sidewalks of the East Village and the shores of Lake Erie! Look for ‘STP3D’ at select theaters later this year.”