For reasons that surely have nothing to do with him being a thin-skinned narcissist who can’t handle criticism, Donald Trump once again broke with tradition by choosing not to attend the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. (Sarah Huckabee Sanders did, however, and host Michelle Wolf held nothing back.) “Our Cartoon President” decided to show what might have happened had he chosen to show up which he’ll only if certain conditions are met: CNN’s Jim Acosta is tranquilized, Trump gets two shovel-sized scoops of ice cream, and Jeff Bezos serves as his personal napkin.
“Of course I’m going,” Trump tells Sarah Huckabee Sanders in the clip. “What am I gonna do? Hold a rally to harden my ego before I watch it the moment I step offstage?” (Note: That’s exactly what he did.) He breaks into song at the event, devoting much of it to Maggie Haberman of the New York Times and asking, “Where did we go wrong? Was it when I called you a Hillary flunky? Stop pretending your paper has integrity — you work with Bret Stephens.”
“Congratulations to tonight’s honorees,” he says at the end. “I look forward to locking you all up in the coming years!” Watch the full video below.