A week after decrying anyone who disliked “Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again” as a “miserable killjoy,” The Onion Film Standard is back with a review of “Mission: Impossible – Fallout.” This critique of the Tom Cruise vehicle finds Peter K. Rosenthal wearing a neck brace and cast as he discusses the film, which he describes as being “so packed with thrilling action sequences that it caused my adrenaline levels to spike, leading me to sprint out of my local mall’s theater, leap from the second-story balcony, and attempt to land on an Auntie Anne’s on the level below.” Some missions really are impossible.
So “electrifying” is the sixth entry in the “M:I” franchise, in fact, that it kicked Rosenthal’s adrenal glands “into such a high gear that, before I knew what I was doing, I had run out of the screening, punched a mall security guard, and in front of hundreds of screaming shoppers, shimmied onto a 30-foot ledge to launch myself towards the ground.” That stunt doesn’t appear to have gone well, either.
Rosenthal shifts between praising “Fallout” and describing his own injuries throughout, including crashing onto a phone kiosk and having a broken phone case puncture his lung; there’s a reason viewers are advised not to try these things at home, after all.
“Indeed, while my doctor, lawyers, and psychiatrist may caution audiences against seeing ‘Mission: Impossible – Fallout,'” Rosenthal adds, “I can honestly say that I would gladly do it all over again.” Watch the full review below: