Hi kids! Didya miss me? I have to first apologize for slandering “Rise of the Planet of the Apes,” that movie was great! More cartoon faces of apes played by Andy Serkis please! Who was your favorite ape? Mine was Maurice the orangutan. Okay, so there’s a ton of crazy stuff opening this weekend so let’s get right to it! “Conan!” “Fright Night!” “One Day!” “Spy Kids 4” in Smell-o-vision (I’m glad ‘Apes’ wasn’t in smell-o-vision, nah mean?)!
Jason Momoa lends his large pectoral talents to the reboot of “Conan the Barbarian.” I guarantee the majority of this box office will come from women wanting to ogle his bod, much like they will ogle the cast of “Magic Mike” (God bless and keep Steven Soderbergh). Rachel Nichols, Ron Perlman, Rose McGowan and some other people back up Mr. Momoa. Our review from Empire Big Screen says the film “comes across as half-assed; a quick, cheap, cash-grab with nothing but contempt for its audience, something that would look shoddy even if it were the direct-to-DVD movie it so often resembles. And you should stay away from it like it was a horde of bandits coming to burn down your village.” Don’t be shy, tell us how you really feel! Rotten Tomatoes: 25% Metacritic: 37%
Hey guy…Colin Farrell makes yet another comeback as a creepy vampire in the remake of “Fright Night,” now in 3D! I hope everyone packed their 3D glasses and Advil for this weekend filled with random shit flying at your face. Anton Yelchin, David Tennant, Toni Collette and the adorably adorable Imogen Poots co-star. Our review says, “like the cinematic equivalent of popping candy, it fizzes for an instant, and then it’s gone. And we don’t know about you, but we like even our low-ambition horror-comedies to have at least one truly memorable scene, or even a line. Sometimes, just doing your job isn’t quite enough.” RT: 77% MC: 66
Jim Sturgess and Anne Hathaway have a decades-spanning love story in Lone Scherfig‘s “One Day,” and Anne has five different hairstyles to go with it. Our review says the film is “treacly, oftentimes predictable, lacking real chemistry and sporting a narrative conceit that never really serves the movie well,” and that it “would have worked better with one fewer conceit and two better characters.” RT: 29% MC: 48
Robert Rodriguez offers up “Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D” starring Jessica Alba and Joel McHale. Apparently there will be scratch n’ sniff cards as the 4D element to the film. What’s 5D? A tasting menu? RT: 9%
John Sayles‘ latest film, “Amigo,” stars Joel Torre as a Filipino mayor in the heat of the conflict of the Philippine-American War. Our review says, “Sayles unfolds his story with patience and an observational eye,” and the film “isn’t a critique or an editorial but almost a report; one that looks back into the past to see what we’ve done and what should be changed, for both America and the world, to move forward.” RT: 63% MC: 64
Spanish scary scary clown movie “The Last Circus” also hits theaters this weekend, about a lovelorn clown whose father was killed in the Franco regime. Our review says, “The movie never sits still long enough to create its own silly-gory groove, and everything is so over the top with extreme violence playfully mixed with equally extreme sex and terrorism portrayed as one part of a very loud, very political three-ring circus, that it’s hard to ever get a handle on anything that’s tangibly relatable.”
RT: 94% MC: 79
Mumblecore horror? Sorry, I’m sure Joe Swanberg and Adam Wingard don’t want to be shoved into the mumblecore box for the entirety of their careers, but every time I see their names, that’s what I think! Anyway, they are in theaters with “A Horrible Way to Die” about a serial killer and his ex in AA, and oof does that sound depressing. Our review says the film is, “a familiar type of independent picture, one that works almost entirely on atmosphere, in lieu of details,” and that the horror movie ending “at least lives up to its title in those final moments, but otherwise, it’s a horrible way to end a movie.” RT: 50%
Rupert Friend stars as an American journalist in the conflict between Georgia and Russia in Renny Harlin‘s “5 Days of War.” Our review says, “as a tribute to the people of Georgia and the journalists who aided them, ‘5 Days of War’ is certainly vital with Harlin’s notable gifts used in service of a story not of survival, or violence, but of preservation.” Co-starring Andy Garcia, Val Kilmer, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Dean Cain, Richard Coyle and Jonathan Schaech. RT: 50% MC: 39
Also in theaters…
Patrick Dempsey and Ashley Judd star in bank robbery rom-com “Flypaper” directed by Rob Minkoff. Okay. RT: 23% MC: 37
The wonderful Ryan Kwanten turns in his Jason Stackhouse sleeveless shirts for a superhero getup in “Griff the Invisible,” playing an average guy who wants to do extraordinary things. He meets a girl, falls in love, yay! RT: 72% MC: 54
A young girl forms an unlikely friendship with her building’s concierge in “The Hedgehog” RT: 87% MC: 60
Ghosthunter type TV shows get sent up in the horror flick “Grave Encounters,” directed by a pair apparently called “The Vicious Brothers.”
Period drama “Mozart’s Sister” about the overshadowed and equally talented older sister of that Mozart guy. RT: 85%
Doc “Programming the Nation?” tackles the issue of subliminal messaging in media. What are they trying to tell us? RT: 20% MC: 27
Billy Bob Thornton, Tea Leoni, Kyle MacLachlan and Ed Helms star in the long shelved comedy “The Smell of Success” about a cosmetics company. I just don’t know what happened here guys, I just don’t know.
“Born and Bred” is a doc following the young boxers training in Los Angeles. RT: 40%
And the award for the most embarrassing ticket to request at the box office goes to… “3-D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy!” Oh brother, this film claims to be inspired by the “Carnal Prayer Mat,” an ancient Chinese text. Enjoy, you crazy kids! RT: 57%
In the “Seven Up” style of docs, “The Boy Mir: Ten Years in Afghanistan” will follow one boy for 10 years as he grows up in Afghanistan.
Indie comedy “World’s Best Dad” about a son attempting to blast his father’s ashes into space.